I have issues emotionally caring about people...

[Thenewguy]

In my bout of insomnia I decided to make this post... sorry for it being long, it's just something that's honestly been bothering me for a while and I just want to express myself somewhere.

I started noticing this a lot lately... I think it's some psychological issue... It really hit home while I was visiting my grandmother in a hurt home yesterday where they nurse elderly people recovering who can't take care of themselves. She's getting very old and frail with Alzheimers, she doesn't have many years left. yet, I didn't feel one bit of emotion for the women who's been there since I was young, is the father of my father, part of the reason of my existence. While I feel logically that I should care, especially now that she's 90, and I really want to, I don't.

This applies to my parents too. They raised me from birth, they always give me what I need, and I know they love me. But for some reason, while I logically care for them. I don't feel a burning feeling inside to. I never call them to see how they're doing while I'm at college. If something serious with them is going on, I act like I care but I don't inside. I don't have any resentment towards them. I love them, even like them. But I never feel anything emotionally.

Even my closest friends, we help each other, we have laughs for each other, share our deepest secrets, but if for whatever reason, they're in some serious trouble, I wouldn't really care, I'll care MENTALLY, just because logically, it's someone that gives me good emotions that is in trouble, but deep inside I feel nothing. same for my grandmother, same for my parents. And it really bothers me to feel this way.

I feel as if I psychologically suppressed my emotions and sympathy towards people. I hardly ever feel sympathy. If I walked outside and saw an old lady getting beat up. I would fight to protect her, but only because I feel it would be the right thing to do, not because I TRULY care.

This has caused many situations where I am getting really close to a girl, she gains feelings for me, and while logically in my head, I like her, even put her above girls because she's more interesting, yet I never feel it in my gut. So I eventually just cut it off because I don't want to lead her on.

Any interest I EVER have in other people is usually feigned, for the sake of becoming their friend or picking them up. I HATE THIS.

For some odd reason... I just can't connect with people on an emotional level. I did the conversation program, I learned how to talk to people on a deep level, I have absolutely NO problem sharing about my life, my emotions, my past, everything. And I am able to get girls to do the same. But even after a deep convo where she shares her deepest self, she starts to feel things towards me, and I feel nothing. I just only learned things about her and learned we have a lot of things in common with our motivations.

I keep planning on going to therapy but every time I call an office to set an appointment, they never call back.

I feel this is also a link to my extreme insomnia I've had for the past year and a half. My mind just lacks the ability to feel sleepy, even when my head is HURTING from lack of it.

I just want to fix this problem so I can enjoy genuine relationships with people... And sleep naturally again.

---

The last time I ever remember being able to sleep well and having emotions towards people was in high school and with my high school girlfriend.

[Jean DeCuir]

Well, i study psychology and it would take more time to get to know you and understand you, but what you describe is not really anormal in my opinion. In my opinion Love is an over rated feeling wich people expect to be burning non-stop care and it isn't. I never call my grandparents either. I visit them sometimes, but they are the ones who keep calling and honestly i kinda think it's boring. That doesn't mean i don't care about them. I love them and i know i'll cry when they die.

It's ironic, you're worried about not feeling empathy with your family and other people but the fact that you're sharing this with us it's a sign that you already care. And the fact that you suffer some insomnia usually means anxiety, probably derived for this issiue in your mind. It's really okay.

Still, visit a psychologist, this is just my opinion but it can derive from a lot of stuff ( like repressing feeling on your childhood, specially showing feelings) and lack of empathy is really a big deal.

[Zelazny]

Talking with a friend of mine whom is recovering from near-fatal anorexia, I get the impression that most psychological problems people have stem from simply having a thought of "How things should be" and stress when they are not like they think they should be.

You feel that you do not love enough, or do not connect enough and this seems to cause you stress. But you can't will yourself into feeling something. A feeling should arise naturally, which cannot happen when you try to force a standard upon yourself that does not fit you. Let it go, don't be afraid, and see what actually remains when you feel relaxed and just try to experience life as yourself instead of trying to be someone you're not.

Consider it screaming loudly in an empty concert hall, because it shouldn't be quiet there. If you'd actually stop screaming, you'd hear the soft background music having a chance to build up to a crescendo, which is basically who you are but you're not allowing yourself to be.

I'm not sure if I can bring it any less vague-easterny-guru-style than that, but don't spend your life trying to be something for others. Be yourself and let them enjoy that.

[edit]
Maybe, if you can't connect, try telling that to people? That you'd love to feel an emotional response and think there should be one, but that you don't really feel it. That is sharing too. Who knows, maybe more people feel this or can actually relate to?

[Chaos]

Quite honestly, what you talk about is too serious to discuss it on an Internet forum, or o take by advice from it. Take it to an specialist, don't let it pass. Maybe it's nothing or maybe it's something... But let a specialist, and not a bunch of guys in a forum, tell you that.

[Mark]

What Chaos said. You should only take advice from a qualified professional on this. Not us.

BUT

I have a couple questions that may help you:

1. Have you always been like this? If not, can you think of a time in your life where you did feel emotionally attached to your family and people around you? Childhood?

2. Do feel an emotional investment in anything or at any time right now? Can a movie get you excited or a bit misty-eyed? Can a professor make you angry or annoyed? You said that if you saw an old lady getting beat up you'd help her because it'd be the "logical" thing to do (I'd actually disagree with this), but you wouldn't actually care about her. Do you think you'd have any emotional response? Or would seeing an old woman get beat and robbed in front of you feel exactly the same as seeing a dog taking a dump on the sidewalk?

[Thenewguy]

You guys are right, I will try harder to find a specialist. And yes I do tell people this, they can't truly understand where I'm coming from.

(06-24-2012 04:08 PM)Mark Wrote:  What Chaos said. You should only take advice from a qualified professional on this. Not us.

BUT

I have a couple questions that may help you:

1. Have you always been like this? If not, can you think of a time in your life where you did feel emotionally attached to your family and people around you? Childhood?

2. Do feel an emotional investment in anything or at any time right now? Can a movie get you excited or a bit misty-eyed? Can a professor make you angry or annoyed? You said that if you saw an old lady getting beat up you'd help her because it'd be the "logical" thing to do (I'd actually disagree with this), but you wouldn't actually care about her. Do you think you'd have any emotional response? Or would seeing an old woman get beat and robbed in front of you feel exactly the same as seeing a dog taking a dump on the sidewalk?

1. I'm afraid I don't... I've always been a loner in my childhood. My dad is a loner too, in which he influenced my mom to become non-social also because he didn't like her having friends around. I'm sure I somehow developed some traits from this. My older sister is VERY social though, but then again she's a girl, I believe it's somewhat easier for them by a degree because she's pretty. It's only now since senior year of high school and college that I actually started developing genuine friendships with people. I'm still learning even now how to develop bigger networks (the conversation program helped a lot). I'm not naturally a social person but I want to be, and I LIKE to be social when I am. But for some reason the lack of interest in people usually keeps me from being motivated from keeping up with friends I meet and strengthening bonds. Since I'm unmotivated to really learn more about them. So everyone pretty much just stays good acquaintances.

Well.. actually The only time I feel I truly felt emotionally attached to someone was my first REAL relationship in senior year of high school. Probably the only person I can think of that I can remember going to sleep thinking of all night, and thinking of all day. I haven't liked anyone enough yet since then to the point that I want to date them. But then again, it's only since about a a few months ago that I'm actually getting better at talking to women, so my quantity of interactions is increasing. But I never really care more about the girls than just friendship and sexual things. They never give me that "feeling" that I had in high school. It's only a logical attraction.

2. Yes, I feel an emotional investment in my future, my aspirations, usually to the point where I get really hyped and start studying. I CAN feel emotions. I do feel emotions when I'm watching movies and something tragic happens, or indignation. Usually because I guess I place myself as the character and imagine it happening to me. While it's ironic that this doesn't apply in real life, I have no idea why.

The main problem I feel is with feeling genuine INTEREST, and EMPATHY for real people, but people CAN make me happy, sad, and angry.

Surprisingly, I CAN feel attachment to a girl if she's interesting, but not feel emotionally connected... but either that's a neediness thing, or I'm suppressing something. I feel like if our relationship between us as friends/lovers ended though, I wouldn't truly care. It's like if you're watching an extremely good action movie, then it cuts off halfway through, yes you're gonna feel bummed that you can't keep watching it, but it's not REALLY gonna bother you that badly.

As for the old lady question. I guess I would feel SHOCKED that someone is beating up an old lady... just because... y'know, someone is actually beating up an old lady, it's like breaking some huge norm and it's wrong. But I don't know if I'd really feel indignation for the lady, just the situation. I WOULD want to save her life because I don't want anyone to die. But I don't know if the motivation for that last sentence is really because I, as a person, would feel bad if she did. I just think it would be bad in general.

I honestly think that society is convincing me that I should save that lady. Because society sees it as bad.

[Stanley]

Hi,

so it seems like you can have a connection with other people like with your ex girlfriend. Your feelings seem more supressed - maybe after the break up with your girlfriend you protected yourself - so that could explain your emotional withdrawal.

You mentioned that you like to be social, travel the world, find new passions but there is always something that stops you ("travelling is too expensive", "I have to undergraduate first of all"). So maybe there's also a strong resistance to change.

Maybe you have fallen in a apathy pattern like: "Being social is fun, but I'm still not motivated to follow relationships, I have a lack of interest". I think that's the voice of resistance and fear. Maybe you don't want to get hurt if you open up.

Apparently there seems a "wave", you want to travel the world, being more social, find new passions...I think this is a drive to break through the bubble you stay in.

Your father seems to be problematic role model, so there's maybe always a unconscious pattern of emotional and social withdrawal that you should pay attention and keeps you away of taking the wave.

Do you have other signs of depression? The insomnia and the feeling of emptiness towards other people look like that.

[Mark]

Well, the good news is you're not a sociopath. You feel something and feel something for other humans, even if it's very subtle or not very clear.

The fact you enjoy and crave to be more social yet don't have an over conscious interest in the people you're social with makes me think that you may have some sort of mild case of Asberger's (and perhaps your father too).

But yes, see a specialist.

[rocklobster]

You couldn't sound any more like me. I was also sitting here thinking about how I can fix the EXACT same problem. If you have gained any enlightenment on this issue please let me know, I am not going to go to therapy for it but I do notice it.

---

(06-25-2012 02:59 PM)Stanley Wrote:  Hi,

so it seems like you can have a connection with other people like with your ex girlfriend. Your feelings seem more supressed - maybe after the break up with your girlfriend you protected yourself - so that could explain your emotional withdrawal.

You mentioned that you like to be social, travel the world, find new passions but there is always something that stops you ("travelling is too expensive", "I have to undergraduate first of all"). So maybe there's also a strong resistance to change.

Maybe you have fallen in a apathy pattern like: "Being social is fun, but I'm still not motivated to follow relationships, I have a lack of interest". I think that's the voice of resistance and fear. Maybe you don't want to get hurt if you open up.

Apparently there seems a "wave", you want to travel the world, being more social, find new passions...I think this is a drive to break through the bubble you stay in.

Your father seems to be problematic role model, so there's maybe always a unconscious pattern of emotional and social withdrawal that you should pay attention and keeps you away of taking the wave.

Do you have other signs of depression? The insomnia and the feeling of emptiness towards other people look like that.

I have the EXACT same problem as Mark so you can take everything he said and apply it to me, haha. When you said : "Maybe you have fallen in a apathy pattern like: "Being social is fun, but I'm still not motivated to follow relationships, I have a lack of interest". I think that's the voice of resistance and fear. Maybe you don't want to get hurt if you open up."
It is not fear of being hurt if I open up I just generally don't care, I am not worried that if I invest feelings in someone that I might get hurt, I don't know how to describe it.

I have been kind of a introverted person until after high school. When I was in school I would be very social and always the class clown and cracking jokes but when I went home I did not care one bit about hanging out with other people. After High school When I first started really going out I had to kind of force myself to do it which is why I think you got a little close with the resistance to change line you said. Also I think it might be that I don't want to accept any "baggage" from anyone else, like I want to go on my own path and if you can't carry yourself then I don't want to help or listen. That sounded a little harsh, haha but even that sentence doesn't sum it up. It is hard to describe, I just have a disconnection with people. I will laugh with them and have a good time but when trying to listen or help I truly couldn't care less. Maybe because I don't put my problems on other people so I expect them to return the favor, maybe that is just selfishness, but I don't see how I can make myself care. Like this has really been the most social year of my life, I am out doing something almost every night, but still have no concern or emotional connection with anyone. I find it hard just to listen and get to know someone new, which kind of makes me think about the resistance to change thing again, But how can I open myself up to change more? I only talk to girls really for sex alone and I don't want to be like that. Laying all that out makes me sound almost psychotic, Haha! Hopefully you can pick something out of that.

[jhonkerry]

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[inbozemanfun]

I too feel similar to how the OP feels quite often.

I might word it differently. Not that I don't CARE but more that I don't allow my self to INVEST or gt ATTACHED. I have noticed within myself that I might be quite selfish, which if I said to some of my friends they might not see it or agree with it. This might be because it isn't that I'm some self-seeking egotistical ass but more because I just care more about what is going on inside me more than what is going on outside of me or inside of others.

Sometimes I feel "socially broken". My girlfriend gets irritated because she can tell me something be it a small comment or a big story and I rarely have a response.

It's like the best responses I can muster are things like: "..oh, cool, you did xyz today..how was that?" *She responds* Me: "Oh...uh-huh..". And this is after she has told me that she NEEDS me to show some sort of acknowledgement - so it is almost forced. Again, this seems to relate to how much time I spend in my head.

Do you notice being fully invested in what is happening in your head Thenewguy?