Thanks playmaker and Edmond.
Edmond Dantès Wrote:@Halo: It's interesting, I use a very similiar concept. Well written and good advice. But I'd like to add that it's equally important that you share personal stuff about yourself as well, so it doesn't become an interrogation.
If you mean by "interrogation" that it becomes unpleasant for the girl, then this depends on the girl. Some girls do
love it if you just keep listening and asking and empathizing. They feel amazed at how much you care about them
as opposed to just caring about getting in their pants, and the longer you talk with them this way, the closer they feel to you. (I've had conversations with girls who wouldn't stop talking about themselves. I could hardly get a word in. But they DID develop strong attraction for me.) On the other hand, delving deeper into feelings will make some girls uncomfortable. Just like there are guys who feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings, there are girls like this too! Asking deep questions will put them on guard.
But the ideal situation is when things are in balance; when you both share stuff. Although, if a girl is not completely self-centered, it's natural that things will go back and forth in a conversation. If you never share anything about yourself, this can probably be attributed to a lack of assertiveness and/or an issue with being vulnerable on your part. Most people actually talk too much about themselves. Like when a girl says: "I love traveling", you say "Oh, I love traveling, too. I went to Australia and Thailand and..." That's a good way of making her feel unheard and unappreciated, especially if you do it often. In a situation like this, I will feel an itch to talk about MY experience. I will suppress it and satisfy my interest in her and only then talk about what her remarks made me want to say about myself.
There will be natural points where you can start talking about yourself. For example, she asks you a question (duh), or you heard what you wanted to hear from her on the current topic and now you want to share about yourself.
If you are asking her questions, that doesn't mean you aren't showing your own feelings. You can combine connecting with her with asking questions. After she says that she loves traveling, you can say: "Oh I love traveling too! That's awesome!". And then
you follow up with a question, like "Which places have you travelled to?" Then you can listen to her, and you either start talking about yourself afterwards, or more likely, she will ASK you about your experiences afterwards. Usually, as you ask open questions and get to know more about her, you will find out things that you connect with. These can be hobbies, passions, experiences, but also values and opinions and so on. As these things come up, you can show your sincere interest, appreciation or enthusiasm, or whatever it is you feel. (Note the difference here with teasing. She shares her "true self" and you connect with it with your "true self". You handle her vulnerability with care. Your reaction is sincere and creates an emotional connection!) You can then share about yourself. If she's a good conversationalist (and is interested, but let's assume she's interested
), she will show interest back and ask good questions so you can talk about yourself. (And yes, this is not in the first two minutes! This is after you've had some superficial conversation and teasing and so on. But it can be quickly.) Some girls will just start talking about themselves again. Again, just like there are men who aren't good conversationalists, there are women who are not good conversationalists.
Note how being attentive and being a good listener and connecting with her emotionally is completely congruent here with qualifying her and "being the selector". You ask her questions about herself. You show your sincere appreciation when she says something that you connect with. But when she can't arouse your interest in any way - if she's not compatible with you - then you lose your interest in her.
Quote:Actually what you've written here:
And I would say: Don't go into deep questions to quickly at the beginning of the conversation (first two minutes). The vast majority of people won't share with you their intimate stories when they don't know you that well. So start with some usual small-talk, then use Halo's method and never forget to talk about yourself as well. This was a huge sticking point for me a few months ago. I was just so interested in the other person and what she told me that I forgot to add my stories to the conversation.
The effect of it was that the conversation didn't go any deeper, until I became more vulnerable and shared my emotions, stories, etc...
Yes, sharing your own stories and being vulnerable is important. You can take the lead in this way, and as you show more vulnerability, she can feel safe showing her own vulnerability too. Also, she can feel a bond with you as you confide in her (you make her feel special). And also, it can make you
feel emotionally connected to her
when you show your vulnerability and she accepts you and is interested in you.
But I must say, I think you can connect, too, without telling too much about yourself (although I do share stuff about myself in conversations, but just making a point here). Usually, if a man is uncomfortable sharing his feelings and talking about them, he is also uncomfortable talking about her
feelings. He will keep things superficial, period. The difficulty with vulnerability shows itself both in talking about himself as well as talking about her. What I said above, about showing enthusiasm and sincere interest as she says something you connect with, that's
vulnerability too, in a way. You're putting your emotions out there.
Let's say she shares a story of how a loved one died. If you shamelessly and sincerely show true empathy and connect with her and tell her what you think of it and ask her more questions, that can be as powerful as sharing your own vulnerable story. Similarly, if she shares a story of how she did something slutty, and you simply listen unfazed, with acceptance and understanding and then ask interested questions in a mature way, this can also be at least as powerful as sharing your own stories.
Quote:My sticking point isn't to have deep, emotional conversations. My problem is that I find it very difficult to transfer it into a sexual conversation. Has anybody some tips for that?
Before I make this post even longer, what kind of situations are you talking about? Can you give an example of a situation?