How to deal with manipulative guys?

[dr. love]

I have a problem with a guy, let's call him Mike. We both have the same major at university and started our studies at the same time, so we pretty much have the same peers at the campus. I began my studies 2,5 years ago and it didn't take me long to realize that this guy is highly manipulative and someone everyone should avoid. He has ruined a lot of his relationships with other people (including the guy who was his best friend still two years ago) with all his talking-behind-back-action and jerky behaviour, but he's got at least decent social skills and is still a guy who can be really poisonous to his surroundings.

A year ago I was one morning on the campus talking with Mike and one other guy. Mike said something about sleeping too little and I replied: ”Yeah me too, I only slept for 5 hours last night.” He then asked what did I do at night. I answered: ”I had sex.” I heard him say ”jesus” to himself and then he walked away immediately. Two seconds later I told the other guy I spent the night at my girlfriends place, but Mike didn't hear it and thought it meant that I got laid and was bragging about it.

Last autumn I was having a party at my dorm and accidentally Mike was at another dorm party very near. A good friend of mine was smoking cigarette outside when he heard Mike (whom he had never met before) talk about me: ”Dr. Love is having a dorm party too? Haha, last winter that guy told me he ”I had sex” when I asked him why he didn't sleep at night." A little bit later that friend of mine pointed out Mike and told me he was talking about me in a really disrespectful tone and basically trying to make me look like a loser who's walking around telling ”pussy stories”. I once told Mike ”a girl called me and told me to come over, but she only wanted to watch tv with me” when he asked ”why did you leave the party yesterday?” But I've never actually bragged about getting laid when he's around. So basically he's just jealous or looking for excuses to make me look bad.

The next day I sent Mike a message on facebook. I told him: ”I heard from a friend of mine that you were talking shit behind my back. You can come and say everything straight to my face if you have something against me. Don't need to be a 'rumour-bitch' (it's a finnish word that means a nasty woman who's always telling rumours).” He replied to me: ”Dr.love, I got nothing against you. You get irritated way too easy. Everybody in our peer group talk like that since we have a weird kind of humour.” He was basically just trying to push buttons and make me feel like I was some overreacting pussy there, when my friend had told me very clearly that he was really trying to make me look bad there. I then replied to him: ”It doesn't matter to me how many people talk like that, I still disrespect that.” He replied to me saying he didn't mean to hurt me.

After that he was trying to avoid me the best he could. But I still realized he's probably talking even more shit about me. A few weeks ago another good friend of mine told me Mike was a few days earlier at a party talking shit about me to him. He'd said stuff like: ”That Dr. Love is an idiot. He's always telling those pussy stories.” Of course that was not true and in the end Mike left when my friend told him. ”Listen, Dr.love has a job, his studies are progressing well and he has a beautiful girlfriend. That guy has nothing to prove.” So he was basically trying to turn a good friend of mine against me there.

Later I sent Mike another facebook message: ”Hi, you've been lately talking shit about me to a friend of mine. This is getting quite pitiful. You remind me of girls in their early teens. P.S. That pussy story from last winter wasn't a pussy story at all. You should know at least what you're talking about if you go around talking shit about someone. (and then I told what I'd really said a year earlier).”

He replied with: ”I haven't talked anything behind your back. He asked me what happened and I just told my version of the story. Try to get over it. I have nothing against you. You are taking things really out of proportion. It's getting really ridiculous. A dude really thinks that someones walking around trying to systematically make him look bad. Come on.”

Of course he didn't tell the whole truth there and just tried to manipulate me into thinking I'm paranoid and overreacting. If I was any weaker he would've probably got me with stuff like that. I replied to him: ”Hey it's no use denying anything. My friends don't have any reason nor need to twist what they heard.” He never replied to that.

I know he's a guy with a bad reputation and not really someone who could turn my friends against me or anything, since most of my friends also think he's a manipulative asshole. But it still makes me angry and a little bit nervous too that a guy like him is trying to turn people against me. How do you deal with manipulative guys like him? Is there any way to bring them down for good? I know he can hurt my reputation (even if he's doing more harm to himself than me) and probably has already. In my youth I was unable to deal with manipulation and ”amoging” in any reasonable way. In my teenage years I was quite depressed and built passive-aggressive defenses for a long time since most people were able to pretty much destroy me with their words, so I really appreciate any feedback. Thanks.

[Matty]

Hard to tell since none of us are actually there and know the guy, but it sounds either a.) you ARE overreacting, or b.) this guys just trying to get under your skin and kick up some shit. And if that's the case, it sounds like he's succeeding. I would honest to God just ignore it; your just stoking the fire by getting sucked into the drama. It's pretty hard to tarnish someones reputation if they're visibly taking the high road and everyone else can see that.

[NakedAndFamous]

With confidence in yourself!
Seriously, there are always people who will try to make you look bad if you're somewhat successful. Just take it with a smile and ignore it.
You shouldn't care so much about you're reputation, people honest to god don't think that much about you as you think they do. And don't forget that drama/gossip sometimes is just used to get a conversation going, and there's really no bad intention behind it.


Some advice on your situation:

1) Stop messaging him Facebook. If you think he has crossed a line, tell him in person, its just way more effective.
2) Only talk about girls with friends you can trust.
3) You have obviously don't get along with him very well, so minimize the time you spend with him. Saves you alot of time.

Overall, i think you're making it worse than it is. He may have told some storys behind your back when he was a little bit drunk, who cares? You say yourself that he's known for stuff like that. As Matty said; just take the highroad and matters will take care of themselves.

[Alvar]

I always keep this saying in the back of my mind: "what you think of me is none of my business."

[dr. love]

I thought about it for a while and yes you're right, I'm overreacting. According to my friends that guy really is trying to make me look bad but so what. Deep down I've known it all the time that I shouldn't worry about what a guy like that has to say about me, but this thing has occupied my mind for some reason. I guess I'm afraid everybody will turn against me, which is of course a really childish belief when I think about it now.