How to be the life of the party?

[Jack Sparrow]

Actually I don't need to be the life of the party, but just pump up the energy a bit. Or whatever suggestion you guys have.

So yesterday my friend invited me to a birthday party. The thing is, he barely know the birthday girl so here's 4 dudes who don't know many people at the party. There are quite a few cute girls, but they were all talking to dudes they know. It's like one big clique and everyone is having a good time. People were getting bottle service, drinking, and just partying away. All this time, my friends and I were just standing there silently scamming the girls. We were like a energy black hole just waiting to suck fun vibes from girls.

I have other friends who are pretty fun, who likes to talk, and initiate random topics of conversation, but I am usually the one who jump in the conversation, not the one starting it.

So in this situation, how would I pump up the energy of our little group. I could have approached the core group and started introducing myself, but I felt "If I can't even have a good time with my close friends, what am I doing walking up to other people? Just to panhandle for some good vibe? "

I felt if I can have a good time with my friends, then I can build up some party momentum to join the big group. Their energy level was quite high.

Any suggestions?

[Creatine Dreams]

I am actually pretty decent at this.

Here are my suggestions.

1. Go in with the intention of having fun. Do not worry about meeting girls or hitting on them. The goal of the night is to have fun.
2. Have some drinks. Not enough to get sloppy drunk but enough to have a decent buzz.
3. Now once you are in a good state, talking with your friends and having fun, just go and start talking to people. Talk to everyone, both guys and girls. Being in proximity to other people can help too, so do not isolate yourself away from the main group.
4. Once you have established yourself within the group and are in the flow, talk to girls if you feel like it.

[SeXyBaCk]

hmm well you gotta introduce yourself. What I do is I scan the room and whatever catches me eye, usually a physical attribute, like a really tall guy, or a hat, or a dress or make up ...whatever, i go over and make a comment and introduce myself, even if i'm not even remotely interested in that person. What will happen is that person will introduce you to their friends (if they have any), then you call over your friends and introduce them in return. Even if the first person you actually approach has zero interest in making new friends, someone in the other group will. What Crea says though is golden, I wouldn't go in with the intention of hitting or meeting the girls. Naturally other guys and girls that aren't being hit on don't like that behaviour so much.

[Dizzy]

Man I can relate to what you are talking about.
Reading PUA stuff had me brainwashed (and still has me sometimes) that I would need to be a fun guy all the time. So when I went to a party, I had this thought that I had to be, or at least seem to be confident, social, high energy and all that jazz. And then I was all in my head and couldn't enjoy myself because I couldn't live up to my expectations. Plus, this bullshit gave me excuses to avoid introducing myself to other people.
And then there was this evening, when I just wanted to grab a beer with a friend, after a stressful week. I wanted to relax, wore some comfortable hoodie and didn't shave. The bar we went to was quite full, we found a place a a sofa, where some girls where sitting, and asked them if we could sit down. They said sure. Some minutes later I found ourselves talking to them, and it was a fun night, we were having a good time and I was suddenly "high energy". That was the first time (and until now last time), I approached a group of girls in a bar.

You see, I'm not an expert or have many experience, but my rule is: If you want to meet people, meet them. Whenever I introduced myself to others, some where friendly, with some I had a good time, some were rather cold, with some I didn't click. I don't think, being already "high energy" is important, it's just helpful because you have less anxiety.

[SeXyBaCk]

Going over this again, you know what also always works, honesty. You just go over and say you don't know anyone at the party. People at parties want to have a good time, they want to meet people. Even if you're completely alone at a bar, you just say you are, there's also a mother hen who wants to take you in under her wings. 2 drinks later no one remembers how you go into the group or who you know.

[Jack Sparrow]

The situation I am presenting is actually a bit different. It involves a existing group of friend that's not having fun, and others in the the bar who are having fun.

If I was by myself, which I have done many times, I just role up to the most approachable group of 2 girls and start my spiel. From there I may get introduced to other people or roll to another group.

The question here is - How come I am not having fun in MY GROUP? How do I make my group fun?

Of course I can ditch my friends and go introduce myself to other group, but that's like saying non-verbally to my friends and the group I am meeting - my buddies are lame, can I come party with the cool kids?

I suppose another strategy is just tell my friends - Yo, let's stop holding our d#cks and go meet some girls.

I still need to develop some leadership characteristics among my friends, and somehow make people around me have a good time. Maybe I just don't know how to have fun without other people leading the way.

I remember in college people would just play games or ball busting each other to have fun. It seems like a lot of guys cannot have fun in a bar without the presence of females or getting piss drunk. Guys just say to each other, "What have you been up to? What did you guys do last night?" Then everyone turns towards the fun groups with the cute girls and started scamming them....

[SeXyBaCk]

No idea here, I ditch lame friends in bars, just meet them elsewhere in future, its not for everyone, you don't owe them the whole evening either, i think 20-25 minutes with friends is enough, that's one pint, then you can mingle.

[Alexander]

That's a fascinating question, Jack. Probably one with a really complex answer, but let me just throw out a couple of things that come to mind.

Here's how it works for me:

First off, I have different groups of friends. Some are more thoughtful/shy. They are probably my favorite people, and with them I'm going to be having deeper conversations and I won't be going around hitting on girls for sure. But we can still have a ball. So, I think that's one important thing to consider - which TYPE of group of friends are you with? Don't expect the shy people to become the life of the party or to hit on girls with you, meet them where they're at, and have the kind of fun with them that they like to have.

Second, I like to provoke my friends a bit. Find something to disagree about and argue about it, playfully. Make fun of your friends for something - just do it with love. Find the point of tension and make that tension more tight. This will stir the pot of the conversation, set off sparks, and before you know it you're yelling at each other (lovingly) and having a blast.

Third, being in a "fun" crowd is not all about making small-talk. When you're with your friends (and you know this), you want to go deep. So tell them about some shit that's been bothering you. Tell them about something you sometimes hate yourself for. Tell them about the voices in your head and the arguments they have. Become vulnerable with them. Vulnerability is exciting, and hopefully they will reciprocate it, and suddenly you're having this moving conversation, and that's another kind of fun. And then maybe from there you can go and connect with other people too.

Fourth, call it out. Just like, "Damn, we've become THOSE GUYS, haven't we? The creepy mother-fuckers that come to a party and stare at the girls and don't do a god-damn thing and look mad shady." Point out the situation and laugh at it, that will take away some of its power.

Those are a couple of thoughts - hope they help!

Alexander

[Creatine Dreams]

What is the point of going to a party if you do not socialize with people outside of your immediate social circle?

[IdEngager]

I can personally confirm that Creatine Dreams knows how to party.

[Jack Sparrow]

I thought about this, and I read over the response from your guys. I came to a revelation...

Part of what F- me up is again the stupid RSD teaching - "self-amusement", "be your own party!!!WHooo!!!".

That stupid thought was still in my head when I went to that birthday party.... "Oh, no! If I can't have fun with my friends, how do I justify going up and talk to other people and suck their fun energy."

I thought of this analogy....

A lot of time you see a guy in a bar with a hot girl, and they are not chatting, just staring into space, into the crowd. Guess what? They been dating for a while. They don't always have to have something fun to say to each other.

To stretch this analogy further. If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in a country where no one recognize them, where people don't even think Caucasian's are attractive, and they were just chilling by the bar, staring out into the crowd. Maybe they see a group just laughing and having a good time, and they want to go see what's up. Brad Pitt would probably just go up and ask, "Hey, what's up?". He doesn't need to self amuse, bring the party. The fact that he is not having as much fun as the local Amigos has no bearing on his value. It is what it is.

Man, sometimes I think the stuff I learned in the seduction community does me more harm than good.

Of course I want to have fun with my friends, but if I just saw them last week, and we have nothing else to catch up, it's all good to just chill. And if I want to talk to some girl in other group, it makes sense to just say hi to anyone member in other group, and socialize. Of course bring a smile and good energy, but I don't necessary have to SELF-AMUSE.

This not a RSD bashing thread, but man, their stuff is still messing me up.

[Alexander]

Good shit, Jack. That stuff messes me up all the time - but you're totally spot-on.

[John]

Hey guys,

I'm new here. Have lurked for a few days and registered to reply to this thread.

I agree with JackSparrow.

The biggest struggle I had over the years learning all this stuff was with trying to turn myself into an extrovert and the life of the party. Everyone knows that being an introvert is bad right? Especially when it comes to socialising? WRONG!

It's the unspoken assumption by many gurus that you can't get success unless you are basking in the nimbus, the center of attention and entertaining everyone around you with high-jinks.

I'm not saying it isn't valuable to take on those behaviors for a while, and learn from them.

But at the end of the day some of us are naturally more introverted. (I really hesitate to label stuff natural... but I've been around for a while and can't ignore the evidence).

Again, believe me I'm very hesitant to put labels on myself or anyone else and to link behavior with identity.

But you need to realize that introversion does not mean shy or quiet. I used to be shy, quiet and an introvert.

Now I'm no longer shy, I can make small talk with people all day long... but I'm blatantly not the life of the party.

Quick Note: It's not binary, it's a sliding scale. We can move along the introversion - extroversion spectrum depending on circumstances in the short term and long term. But on the whole we have base line where we tend to reside.

Why is it not bad to be introverted?

People who are more introverted have a strong focus, creative side, will to make things etc.

These are very male attributes, exactly the attributes that attract women.

There are two kinds of attractive people, those that entertain a group people in order to provide value to a social situation and those that explore a more intimate relation between one or two.

Don't misinterpret this.

I'm not saying never move out of your comfort zone with the excuse that you are an introvert.

Make small talk with the cashier, shake hands with everyone at the party, be the first one on the dance-floor. Learn to let go.

But once you've done all that some of you may find that you are more naturally a low-key, chill kind of guy. And that's ok. It's great in fact. It helps you fly underneath the radar.

Also this does not mean you have to get all deep and meaningful when you have a conversation with someone. You can be laughing your ass off. But it just tends to be with one or two people that you can get into a fun zone with, rather than entertaining a large group with stories and actions.

[Creatine Dreams]

The answer to this thread is one word.

Cocaine.