How do you rid yourself of the self-development addiction?

[Tim]

So I've been re-reading David Allen's 'Getting Things Done', which is a fantastic system/ideology on being organized. When I first read it last year I gained a lot of really great habits, and became a lot more organized as a result. I highly recommend it to anyone who feels at all overwhelmed by their to do list or who's looking for a way to boost their productivity.

Anyway that's a side note to the main story, which is that this time reading it there was one chapter that really caught my attention. In it Allen talks about how writing down future commitments or things you want to try is necessary for peace of mind, because, as in anything else in the Getting Things Done system, if it's not written down then it's somewhere in your head, potentially worrying at you, if only in a minor way.

This got me thinking about how I first got into personal development, and how I got really excited about the idea of learning or practicing a lot of things, from learning multiple languages to writing a book, being a great cook, finding my life purpose, getting good with women, being an excellent listener, learning an instrument, and the list goes on. The problem with that is that it left me really overwhelmed; I felt like there was so much to achieve, and it left me paralyzed from getting started, because I was so far from being able to accomplish so much and so quickly. I also gave my fantasizing no boundaries; I told myself that I would achieve all these things and much more.

Over time I realised that my ego was just using dreaming of being able to achieve all these things as a way of making me feel better about myself; I could dream of the day when I would be this amazing renaissance man, and I would feel thrilled by the idea of being so amazing. I also realised that if I ever wanted to achieve any of these things I would have to really want them for what they were, instead of just because it would look cool on the virtual resume that is my personality. I began to accept that in my life I would achieve very little of those things, and that was ok; a great life doesn't mean racking up achievements, it means enjoying the journey as you go along and increasing it's potential at the same time. Focusing on accomplishments was just a distraction, and would actually lead me to be unhappier.

So I stopped thinking about all the things I could achieve if only I set my mind to them, and started focusing on improving one or two things in front of me. And that's served me much better.

The issue is that I still have that feeling of unresolved promises within me. I feel like back then I was making all these promises to myself that one day, when I was more capable, I was going to take all these things on and achieve them. I still feel like there's all these things out there I owe myself to do, which is stupid because I know most of them I don't really want. Now I wonder, how can I get rid of that feeling that I have all these half-opened doors I need to close?

I asked a similar question in a thread a couple of months back, but I feel this is different from that in a small but significant way. It's also about feeling happy with where you are while also still making an effort to improve, but it's more specific than that. It's about getting rid of the idea that I have unresolved commitments to myself to meet. Will this come about from making the things I want work in my life e.g. dating, my job, my friends, my passions, etc, or is it an insecurity I'm going to have to do some self-therapy on? Or both?

Any responses are appreciated.

[Halo Effect]

You seem to be at a similar point right now as I am. Going from always wanting to improve (and being unhappy with the current self) to accepting who you are now and finding happiness NOW (while still enjoying self-improvement). And I also have Getting Things Done. I haven't finished the whole book, because the entire system is pretty complex, but one thing I do regularly is writing down to do lists and thinking of next steps in stead of end goals. That alone is priceless advice.

I find it very hard to give advice on this specific question, because it is very personal and specific for you. I could throw advice at you, but I am not aware enough of everything that's going on inside your head to do that, and furthermore, you probably already know what you WANT to believe, but it's about being ready for that advice that is the key.

If I were your coach or therapist I would now start asking open questions, about what your unresolved commitments are, how these make you feel, how it makes you feel to consider dropping those unresolved commitments altogether, what you really want in life, and so on. The questions by themselves are not that important, but by speaking freely about this subject and going deeper and just seeing where things go, motives, desires and beliefs may come up that have to do with the issue, that you weren't aware of before, that give more clarity and maybe eventually closure.

Right now you have conflicting beliefs floating around in your brain from different times in your life and the old beliefs aren't congruent with the new beliefs or desires, so there isn't a unified internally consistent belief system yet. I guess you should either see if all your beliefs/wishes can be somehow unified into one belief system or disprove some of the older beliefs and go with the new ones. But I'm beginning to believe that you do this in the first place not by working with the beliefs that you are conscious of now and consciously trying to change them, but by digging deeper and becoming more aware of everything that you think/belief/that motivates you. Simply becoming more aware can bring insight and clarity. And I think there's something especially potent about sharing these things with a person who listens and asks good questions and tries to understand you. I think it's like with all teaching; before you can teach it, you need to understand it. You may think you know yourself already, but you will need to be able to explain yourself clearly to get your point across to the other person, which means you also develop more clarity for yourself. And the other person's questions and insights can bring a new perspective that can be enligthening as well.

I suggest you just write out all your thoughts out here, or for yourself in a journal or word file. And talk with people in real life who are good listeners and just dump the entire problem into the conversation and just keep talking. That tends to clear things up for me.

---

Back to the topic:

Quote:The issue is that I still have that feeling of unresolved promises within me. I feel like back then I was making all these promises to myself that one day, when I was more capable, I was going to take all these things on and achieve them. I still feel like there's all these things out there I owe myself to do, which is stupid because I know most of them I don't really want. Now I wonder, how can I get rid of that feeling that I have all these half-opened doors I need to close?

- What are the things you feel you have to achieve?

- For what reason do you want to achieve these things exactly?

- What do you envision or feel when you think that you won't ever achieve them? (Not necessarily rationally, I'm sure you can come up with a very intelligent, correct answer. But what do you FEEL then?)

[Zac]

I would also add the questions:

What things in your life do you get the most fulfillment out of?

Have you been doing a good job tracking your progress so far and being grateful for it? All of the promises you have kept for yourself already?

This could be entirely off base but I see this so much. I find this paradigm of mindsets and advice in men's development, PUA, and Buddhism/enlightenment discussions.

You get better every day, every week, every month, every year. The problem is you are always in the mindset of "I could be better" "there is more to do" and you don't ever take the time to sit back and appreciate what you have done, how far you have come, and what that says about you as a person so far. Day to day we don't look at ourselves as clearly as we could because we worry about the future.

Have you ever read the tao of Pooh? I'm not going to be an asshole and pretend to sum up the entire Taoist philosophy because I read a book written in Winnie the Pooh style children's explanations but the main thing I got from it is most people just kind of have to chill out. That's it. We all worry about doing stuff so much. Just do what you can every day and focus on that. If you are doing well and working hard, that's all you have to do. Enjoy that. You are on the right path.

"While Eeyore frets ...
... and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
... and Owl pontificates
...Pooh just is."

Just be is.

[Creatine Dreams]

I think I may have this problem too.

Funny thing is, I tend to make more progress when I am not reading self help materials.

Not that those materials are bad, but I am more prone to action when I am not over-analyzing myself.

The materials do provide a good framework for future action. It just takes a while to internalize them and internalizing those lessons seems to require real world action.

[Mark]

I think it'd help if you gave specifics. Some goals and achievements are superficial and all in your head. Others are very worthwhile and gratifying. I've never bought into the "don't set goals" school of thought. I think *WHY* you're setting certain goals is far more important than the actual goals or the fact that you're setting goals.

I also think feeling the desire to improve yourself and being happy with yourself are not mutually exclusive. Again, it comes back to what's driving you? Do you feel the need to improve yourself because you think you're not good enough? Or do you want to improve because you genuinely love improving and accomplishing new things. I get a lot of joy out of improving. I also see it as the more I'm able to improve myself, the more I'm able to influence the world in a positive way. Self-improvement can and should be a very humble activity.

I talk about this false dichotomy in these posts:
http://postmasculine.com/the-zen-dilemma
http://postmasculine.com/why-self-help-sucks

Both are old and aren't that well-written, I could probably give the topic a better treatment now. But this apparent paradox used to come up ALL the time with people in my zen practice, and I never saw it as a paradox.

Ironically, I thought "Getting Things Done" was terrible, but everyone I know who's read it swears by it. Not sure what the disconnect is there.

[Tim]

Thanks for the in-depth responses guys, appreciated.

I think Halo Effect gets it best; this is about a disconnect for me between what I used to believe and what I am coming to believe. It's not about being unable to be happy with myself and still wanting to improve. I've got that to a decent level now, though I'll build on it over time. It's similar, but not the same.

What is a problem is that feeling of having to be all things all at once. I can't be specific because the point is that the insecurity is driven by desires I don't have yet feel I should have. Like realising that while getting better with women is definitely something I wanted to work on in my life, it wasn't the huge priority I had made it into. That it was just a cover for feeling disempowered and directionless. And now I know when things matter to me, and when they don't. I actually want to learn Spanish, increase my typing and reading speed, and be more present in the moment. I don't really care about being a good cook, understanding European politics, or being very popular. These were all false goals I set myself.

What I'm still struggling with is the goals I never really sat down and set, but subconsciously decided at some point that they were necessary for me to feel complete. Like being materialistic; you can say you only need this Apple gadget or this designer suit to feel complete, but of course that's not true. There will never be that material possession that gives you the fulfillment you are looking for. So even if you buy things that you do really want, you're still going to give something else, which you don't currently have, that worship believing it it can give you the satisfaction you are looking for. My question is how do I stop placing that value on something I don't have, and don't know what it is?

To put it in simpler terms, it's a feeling of lack, which can manifest itself in goals, or material possessions, or whatever. You're right that wanting to improve and being happy with what you have don't HAVE to be mutually exclusive Mark, it's just that on some level for me they still are. How do I move from where I currently am, which is to be relatively satisfied, to being almost completely satisfied?

As I've written this reply I've been starting to think that it might be that there are still areas of my life I'm not expressing myself in the way I want. With women might be one, but much less so than in the past. I'm wondering if it's to do with music, or my social life, or something else. I'll have a think about this.

[Mark]

Yeah... I don't think it's possible for any of us to answer this for you.

But what it does look like is that there are still some blind spots in your identity and emotions you want to express. It's about finding your values and lining your life up to fit those values. If there's still something "missing" but you don't know what, then it problem means there are still some values you're unaware of, and therefore not catering your life to address. Instead, you're taking shots in the dark (materialism, being popular, etc.).

[Halo Effect]

Have you gone through this process, Mark? Have you found values and lined up your life to fit those values? (I'm guessing yes.) Can you tell us more about how you did that?

I probably have a lot of that to do as well. Becoming aware of my desires and becoming more assertive is something that is still fairly new in my life. I bet there is a lot that I haven't discovered yet.

[Mark]

I think I've done it, but I don't think I was ever conscious of doing it. I think if you cultivate two habits: 1) question yourself and your motivations regularly and honestly and 2) push yourself to reach and attain new goals which align with your values and desires regularly, then this will straighten itself out eventually on its own.

I definitely was not always clear on what my values were or what I wanted to do with my life or what would make me happier or not. But I also didn't think about it too much. For me it's always just been a process of doing what I want followed by "Is this making me happy?" and if the answer is no, dropping it and finding something else. Slowly but surely I've become a retardedly happy and satisfied person.