How Did You Stop Being a Nice Guy?

[Alexander]

Hey Peoples,

As a result of some unskillfully handled dating stuff over the last couple of weeks, I've come to the conclusion that I do have some Nice Guy traits.

It's a little tough to separate the strengths from the weaknesses. I'm a therapist by profession, and my compassion, ability to listen and real desire to help are huge strengths in my job and bring me a lot of joy.

On the other hand, I definitely people please sometimes. I've tried to do a lot of work on myself, and I'm not really sure how much I still have to go. I think when it comes to other guys, I'm okay. But when it comes to girls I like, I guess I can come off as too Nice Guyish. I definitely can.

So I'm curious how you guys overcame this. I know there's the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. Haven't read that one yet. What else did you guys do?

Cheers,

Alexander

[Creatine Dreams]

Looking to do this too. And actually probably gonna see a therapist to do it. Probably of the cognitive behavioral psychology school of thought.

[Zelazny]

Well, I listened to the no more mr nice guy audiobook. Several times over.

For the rest it's a matter of keeping an eye out for "nice guy" behaviour. Not that you always need to second-guess yourself, but I try to be aware of any of these moments in a moment and later on decide why I find this behaviour toxic and how I feel I want to be reacting instead. The next time I encounter that situation, I can follow through on the behaviour I chose, instead of defaulting to nice guy mode.

Just stay aware of analysis paralysis. Determine behaviour you want to alter and decide how you want to alter it. And simply follow through. No change will come without action.

[Alexander]

@Creatine Dreams,

Awesome idea dude. How does the Nice Guy thing show up in your life? I'm still kind of trying to figure out to what extent this applies to me. And, out of curiosity, why cognitive-behavioral specifically?

[Creatine Dreams]

Well, for me the Nice Guy thing manifests itself in a lot of different ways.
Over the years, I have done very well at cultivating an image to people that I am a confident, assertive person. But the truth is, I am not. And it manifests itself in a lot of ways. Here are some examples.

1. I often try and seek approval from other people. This has to do with my cultivated persona, as I largely do that because it is what I think people like. But true friendships with people require taking that mask off and that is why I have many acquaintances and few friends.

2. I have problems with women. For example, in my last (and only relationship), the girl fell head over heels for me. But once I was in the relationship with her, I started becoming needy and she lost interest. I made self depreciating jokes, and I often tried to get her approval. And sure enough, she got bored with me. Plus, when she left I got pretty bummed because I was relying on her affection to prop up my self esteem. I also need to approach more women.

3. I do not have a strong ambition and purpose in life. For the last ten years or so, I have drifted through life with no real plan. And I still do not know what I want to do. I need to find something that makes me feel fulfilled that is not based on external validation.

Intellectually, I know that I am a relatively good looking guy, who is intelligent, creative and with a good sense of humor. But I have not cashed in on those traits and I do not want to look back on my life and think about what could have been.

As for cognitive-behavioral therapy, it seems like it is the quickest and most effective way to make some positive changes in my life. I realize that I do need help so it is time to take some action.

[Alexander]

Wow, Creatine Dreams, thanks for the detailed answer.

Yeah, I'm a shrink myself, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is good stuff. Though for some deeper issues, other models might be better. Anyway, the most important thing is not the type of therapy but how awesome your therapist is and how good your connection is with them.

You said a lot of interesting stuff. To reflect where I am at the moment:

1. I'm very good at taking the mask off. My close friends, of which I'm blessed with many (they're seriously my greatest wealth and treasure, the possession I am most proud of), pretty much know all of my weird compulsions, fears, jealousies, etc. I love taking the mask off! That takes power away from our demons.

2. Once I'm with a girl, I'm good at developing really warm, close, sincere connections. What I'm not good at is approaching. I'm also not good at being vulnerable in the sense that Mark talks about. I'm good at doing that with dudes, I can initiate friendships and hang-out sessions and stuff, but with girls it's so much harder. There's actually something at stake (in my mind).

3. I have a pretty clear and powerful sense of purpose, as well as ambitions. So that's a nice thing.

I guess the thing that I'd really love to overcome is my anxiety when it comes to approaching. I'm getting some coaching in this area soon (June), so I'm hoping I can improve. It can be so frustrating sometimes.

Good luck with the therapy stuff dude. http://Www.psychologytoday.com has a great therapist directory, if you need one.

Alexander