Help me Make a Decision Please

[James]

This is something that's been on my mind for a long time now.

I went to a really small school from the age of 7 to 18. Small social circle from that.

I went away to a party university but I had been reading tons of pick up stuff and had totally been brainwashed. I thought I was wasting my time there and had to become amazing at pick up. So I dropped out and took a bootcamp.....where I realized how much fear I had. So that year basically sucked.

Went back to the same university the next year and stayed for most of the year. Was super reserved and wasn't drinking so I didn't make any real social circle. Left there and decided to go somewhere in my city for the past 3 years.

So now I'm 25 and in the past year or more I feel like I've finally starting acting how I should have been acting all this time. I have a good dating life now and feel like I've realized a lot more things.

The thing is, I always feel this huge regret thing, firstly that I missed out on highschool parties, girls etc (for the most part) and also missing out on an awesome university experience.

Basically I'm scared of getting to the age where I realize that I've totally wasted my youth.

So what I want is to have a really fun, very social life with lots of parties etc.

I have the option of going to Europe for school but I'm not sure if that would be isolating or a good opportunity to socialize. Or do I go back to a party university? But at 25 I feel that's a little old to try that again. So my thoughts are all over the place. I'd appreciate any advice.

[Jon]

Wait, what would you go to school for? Do you have a degree?

[Mark]

Why is partying and socializing such a great thing? You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have the ideal "party life" that you see on TV and movies and read about online when I get the sense you wouldn't actually enjoy it. Who says a 30-year-old social life isn't better than a 20-year-old's social life? I know 40 and 50 year olds with amazing social lives. You can have a great social life any time and any where. You can have it at a university in the US or in Europe. You can have it in a small town or a big city.

It seems to me that you're trying to have something that other people have told you that you want, rather than actually pursuing what you want.

My vote is for Europe. Hands down. And I think you should stop worrying so much about some ideal social life you have in your head, and focus more on just being happy and meeting people you like. You seem to have replaced the PUA dogma with some sort of "have a party lifestyle" dogma. Just be you.

[Thor]

James you mentioned that you left university and decided to go somewhere in your city for 3 years. What were you doing in those 3 years ? Were you working ?

Like yourself I missed out on the years of dating and partying between 16 years and 27 years. I look back and think those are wasted years I mean getting drunk at parties and getting laid when your drunk. Its hardly exciting right ?.

Europe is an amazing place to study and socialize !!. If your not totally convinced it might be a good idea to backpack around europe for while if you can afford it and get a taste of europe.

I have travelled around europe on my own lived in various countries and met some amazing people.

[Zelazny]

James, you seem to fear that you threw away a large portion of your life. I have the same fear, spending many years more on my education than I should, because my social life was much more interesting than my academic life.

In retrospect, I fear that I missed out on the next steps in life, that I'm somewhat of a loser for being so late to get into the game of careering and building my own nest.

But the whole point is, I cannot go back and undo history. Just like a child that never had a childhood, or an adult who missed his or her 'wild' period. All you can do is accept that you made life choices that set you on a different path and that you are now in a position to shape your life in the way you want to.

But don't let the past you feel you missed become a hangup. Accept and move on, lest it become a regret that sticks with you for many years from now on. There's only one way you can go : Forward.

[IdEngager]

The "university is the greatest four years of your life" dogma probably fucked me up more than anything in my life.

I can totally relate cause I was once the quiet, straight A high school kid who could generously be described as awkward. But once I got to college that went all out the window! Thankfully I never got into anything really hard (substance wise, I had a friend I knew from high school who killed himself cause he got way deep into that shit) or do anything I could never recover from, but waking up dead hungover and failing a bunch of classes all the time is no fun. I was able to recover my wits somewhat before I did anything truly stupid, started to get things back together academically (though I left before finishing cause I got a full-time job offer that paid very well), and got that career thing going.

I think what was driving that all was that "this is the best 4 years of your life!" and some sort of need within me to make up for lost time and I get that same sense from you. What I realized though after I got settled a bit into the working world and started to fend for myself is that a) once you're out of university, your social life doesn't have to die and b) my social insecurities issues still weren't resolved. Sure, I have friends who partied hard in college, found their love of their life there, got a nice job, got married, got settled down, and are done with that, and that's fucking awesome for them. But that's not for everyone! Once it's done it's done, and you gotta do what's best for you right today.

I started to make some new social circles after college and started to realize, hey, maybe those don't need to be the best four years in my life. Why was I fretting to get it all out right then? Maybe my college friends didn't need to be my BFFs 4EVA, Hangover style. I'm still friends with most of them, but we all grow separate ways. I made friends in their 30s and 40s who still had great social lives. Maybe they didn't go out and get blackout drunk all the time, but they still got out and got down, they didn't spend all their time at home watching Two and a Half Men.

I can't say all the college partying was a waste, I have some great stories and great (blurry) memories and hell, that first job was through a college drinking buddy of mine (despite myself I can network like a champ). And I still like to go out, get down, get drunk, all that jazz. Hell, now that I'm not college student broke and don't spend all my time with broke college students, my party life has gotten BETTER. Once some of the parties you go to start to resemble something from VICE Magazine (sometimes quite literally), you wonder why the hell you were so worried about getting into some little apartment or frat party.

If I were you, I would go to Europe. Or finish your degree cause you really want that fucking degree and sometimes, it really helps to have it in your pocket sooner than later. Or do what I did and hop into the working world and start a band and start DJing on the side. Or do what Mark did and start a business and turn into an international globetrotter.

The one thing I would absolutely not do is jump back into college, Van Wilder-style, JUST to party it up. No matter what, there will always be another party. There will always be more pretty girls and there will always be more people to talk to. My favorite memories are never just being at some cool party with a ton of people, it's those moments you connect with people. The time you decide to race your buddy down an empty hotel hallway on a roadtrip like schoolkids. The time you meet a pretty girl who will break your heart. The time you and a friend stumble into the best taco truck or street food in the city. The time your dad finally says "let's have a beer" and sing 90s R&B karaoke together (this really happened and will be my favorite memory of my dad til the day I die).

Connect with people. This can happen anywhere. You don't need a wild and crazy college party life to do that.

[Thor]

Didnt learn much from my 3 years at university. Got a degree which I guess was an achievement but that was about it. I learned more from travelling, helping my father run the business, fending for myself when I was living alone in a foreign countries.

Whats so clever about going to a party and getting drunk ? what can someone possibly learn or achieve from that ?.

[James]

Really thought provoking answers guys. I'll have to re-read them a few times. Thanks a lot.

I guess it's the idea of being in a place full of young people/girls and having so many opportunities for socializing. Also reading pickup stuff about college game being so much easier and that once guys leave, they don't realize how good they had it.

I understand I should be able to create the lifestyle I want anywhere, anytime though. Hm I've always thought of Pick up in those terms but never thought about consciously creating a social circle that I want. I'm not in school at the moment and don't have a normal job so that limits how much I can expand my social circle.

Are there any books/articles on this topic. Something like best jobs/hobbies to have to meet people? I seem to have this thing about wanting to meet people/girls 'naturally'. I don't like the idea of joing a meetup group or online stuff for some reason. Thanks again.

[Mark]

You're thinking waaaaaaaaay too hard about this. You already know how to talk to people. There's no reason for you to be sitting home reading books about how to talk to people. Here's what you do:

1) Find a group or organization or activity and join it.
2) Go and introduce yourself to two people.
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you meet someone you really enjoy talking to.
4) Ask them to hang out some time.
5) Repeat all of this for as long as it takes (usually a couple months).

You can do this today. You can start now. So do it. Sitting around and thinking you need to read books on how to meet people is just procrastination.

The way you build a social life is by getting off your ass. Join every club, every event, every activity you can think of and you think you'd be interested in at all. Book your schedule to the point that you're NEVER home.

[SeXyBaCk]

If you have a chance to go to france, italy, spain and uk you'll have a blast at all the larger unis. I'd aim for italy myself, they know how to live there. A university city like bologna, padua, florence etc is what you should be looking at. Go somewhere where there's a large amount of foreign students. You'll meet people from day 1. Stop thinking, start planning and getting the info.

[James]

Thanks Mark for the detailed steps. I will definitely keep this and put it into effect.

Sexyback - I have already applied to a school in Manchester and a school in Cologne/Koln, Germany. I here Cologne is an awesome party city but very German, as in, not many English speakers. I'm learning German as a second language but I don't know how easy it would be to fit in etc. I'm in an arts field where I generally have to choose small schools or conservatories so I kinda have to pick by school and program instead of by fun university etc. That is another thought...do you choose your location/school/work for enjoyment or for your skills?

From the past 3 years, I went to a small school for my skill and I didn't end up building a big social circle. Kinda sucked. But I guess it's up to me to make it happen wherever I am.

Yeah I'm noticing my thoughts, motives, and decisions are really scrambled right now. The answers are really helpful.

[SeXyBaCk]

yes, Köln is a big party town, loads of fun to be had there, and smack in the center of europe, 2-3 from paris, amsterdam, berlin, frankfurt and an hour from all the other major german cities in the ruhrgebiet (dortmund, essen, bochum etc). All the carnival stuff is there too in february. I'm British but I'm not big fan of manchester or lancaster as a whole (liverpool is about 40 min from manchester). If you already speak some german... this would be a great opportunity to really adopt a foreign language. And you could do a lot of exploring and traveling out of out Cologne. But at the end of the day your career considerations should weight heaviest. With either of those options, I'm certain e you will have a great time.

Personally, when I was younger I often tried to 'get away', at least for a few months, I always had that urge, I did a number of internships in different places. I can't say I did them strictly with my career in mind, but I'm sure having that on my CV hasn't hurt me. I've followed a woman too on occasion but always made sure I had a job lined up. I'm a physician and I did the USMLE right after I graduated from medschool in europe so once I sort the paper work out it's pretty easy for me to get a job practically anywhere with a EU passport. But I'm not the most career driven person, and I did let my private life influence my decisions so far. No regrets though about that though. But you need to be sensitive towards your own ambitions because that is what will come to haunt you later in life if you do not factor them in.

One more thought, you will need some cash to play with. Europe is expensive... I'm guessing you're from the US or CA and you will find that cost of living is higher here, especially if you want to get around a bit and see stuff. So in order to really enjoy yourself I think you will need some savings to feed off. That reality obviously has to come into consideration.

Are you a classical musician or something?

[Mark]

Plenty of people speak English in Cologne. I went there in 2009 and had a good time. Hooked up with a girl without knowing a word of German.

Manchester's fun as well. Good night life and party scene. If given the choice, I'd lean towards Cologne though.