Help for online dating

[barney stintson]

yo guys,

i'd like some feedback for my online profiles. i'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere, so the only place to find a congregation of women to talk to is online

here's my profile's about me section:

I speak my mind, which essentially boils down to a stream of consciousness of lasciviousness, mischievousness, and a general air of urbane retardation. Its like if Eminem, Mother Teresa, and Princess Diana had a threeway in your ear with Bach playing the background.

I like cute smart girls, which sometimes I think is too good to be true, but then I find one

I like girls who can be uninhibited, carefree, and not afraid to go after the things they want in life.

I hate negativity and incessant whiners. Take some action.

When I'm not doing anything useful with my life I'm laid back and super funny, but if I've been in work mode all day/week then I'm like really ambitious and motivated.

I'll sweep you off your feet with a classy and romantic date at a local Applebees, where we can seductively feed each other a nacho platter of cholesterol and love. I will enjoy the night switching between tequila shots and an oreo milkshake. As I have a tendency to ignore those who are in the presence of greasy food, we can also instead just by the lake and have a bottle of wine and actually get to know each other.

[SeXyBaNnEd]

I think it's too intellectual to be frank. I had trouble comprehending half of the words in the first phrase and I did go through higher education. Don't take this as feedback though, I don't have any experience with online dating.

Sorry, can't resist

suit up!

[Tim]

Is your other account still banned SexyBack? I'll get Mark to look into it if so.

[barney stintson]

(07-18-2012 04:58 PM)SeXyBaNnEd Wrote:  I think it's too intellectual to be frank. I had trouble comprehending half of the words in the first phrase and I did go through higher education. Don't take this as feedback though, I don't have any experience with online dating.

Sorry, can't resist

suit up!

understood. ya i think it helps me filter out the girls i don't want. [no offense sexybanned] , though that is a funny name if you were sexyback before

...some people actually think my name is barney stintson, so i'm glad you actually get the reference.

[Chaos]

I'm the farther away possible from "online dating" expert but I personally like the description, is intellectual and funny at the same time and you go straight to the point of what you want without actually giving away to much bragging.

[Divorco]

(07-17-2012 10:02 PM)barney stintson Wrote:  I speak my mind, which essentially boils down to a stream of consciousness of lasciviousness, mischievousness, and a general air of urbane retardation. Its like if Eminem, Mother Teresa, and Princess Diana had a threeway in your ear with Bach playing the background.

I like cute smart girls, which sometimes I think is too good to be true, but then I find one

I like girls who can be uninhibited, carefree, and not afraid to go after the things they want in life.

I hate negativity and incessant whiners. Take some action.

When I'm not doing anything useful with my life I'm laid back and super funny, but if I've been in work mode all day/week then I'm like really ambitious and motivated.

I'll sweep you off your feet with a classy and romantic date at a local Applebees, where we can seductively feed each other a nacho platter of cholesterol and love. I will enjoy the night switching between tequila shots and an oreo milkshake. As I have a tendency to ignore those who are in the presence of greasy food, we can also instead just by the lake and have a bottle of wine and actually get to know each other.

You have good "attitude", speaking your mind and not caring. But the essay strains because not a good writer. The individual words are fine, but they don't make sense together. It's as though you don't really know what you want to say.

"speaking ... boils down to" is just wrong. Your mind is not a stream of conciousness or an air of anything. WTF is "urbane retardation"? "It's like if" is just wrong.

"we can also instead just by the lake." Huh?

"I hate ... whiners" is whining.

"I like cute smart girls, which sometimes I think is too good to be true". You mean "who are too good to be true".

You are trying to be brash, witty, and intellectual. But you are just stumbling all over subject-verb agreement. Your essay is internally inconsistent, and probably incongruent with yourself. Keep the attitude, but decide what you want to say and stop trying to use big words. Then your profile will be more comprehensible and authentic.

[Chaos]

Or possibly that was just a tranlsation of the actual profile and he's not an English speaker...

[Divorco]

(07-18-2012 11:47 PM)Chaos Wrote:  possibly just a translation ... and he's not an English speaker...

The essay is just confused because the writer is trying to be witty and irreverent without really knowing what he wants to say.

He really wants to say:

I'm brash, unapologetic, and genuine. I'm horny, intellectual, clever, cool, and unpredicably exciting.

I'm picky, and laid back yet successful. I'm fun and emotionally accessible.

The basic concepts behind this profile are sound, but the execution is terrible. For example, "I'm like really ambitious and motivated" is like, really, um, you know, like, um, really, really Valley-Girl-speak.

[The Notorious PhD]

Divorco's suggestions are sound. The profile seemed a bit try-hard because of the big words in the first line - nobody speaks like that. Keep it simple, keep it direct, show don't tell, and emphasize positives rather than negatives ("I hate..[thing]" should be inverted to "I really like...[opposite of thing]"), etc.

Importantly, for online dating, your pictures matter far more than what you write. You don't need to look like Brad Pitt, but your pictures need to reflect all the personality traits you're trying to convey in your writing.

Include a pic of you with a nice headshot. Then a few pics of you doing something fun/interesting with friends; both indoors and outdoors if you possibly can. Solo bathroom shots are a huge no-no - solo shots in general ought to be avoided.

[SeXyBaCk]

(07-18-2012 06:56 PM)Tim Wrote:  Is your other account still banned SexyBack? I'll get Mark to look into it if so.

Thanks Tim, it's fixed. I had probably left that reply prior.

What Noto says makes a lot of sense to me. People check out the pics first and foremost. I'd just keep it brief and witty aside from that. Aren't they 95% solo bathroom shots though? Specially the girls pouting and looking up at the camera trying to make their boobies look a bit bigger?

[barney stintson]

(07-19-2012 12:43 AM)Divorco Wrote:  

(07-18-2012 11:47 PM)Chaos Wrote:  possibly just a translation ... and he's not an English speaker...

For example, "I'm like really ambitious and motivated" is like, really, um, you know, like, um, really, really Valley-Girl-speak.

Fuck. Should've read this over.

---

I think Divorco is a bit too serious and logical. Though he might make an excellent professional writer, I'm trying to woo emotions, not write a dictionary. No offense intended, as you definitely pointed out some useful info.

Noto, I've found emphasizing just positives to be less effective than emphasizing both positive and negatives when actually in-field, which is the experience i'm applying here. Range of emotions.

I do agree though that I should re-read this thing over, apparently I write like a 3rd grader.

[Victory]

@ Barney, I got some advice for online dating awhile ago that was a slap in the head. It is easier to say as an example.

1) I am athletic and love soccer.
2) Sunday mornings I love to scoring goals while playing soccer.
or
1) I am artist and tend to be creative
2) ...Spending the week nights taking awesome photos of the unique people I see in the city, imagine how creative city folks are.

In stead of saying that you do something or are into something (I'm athletic or A artist) explain what you do. Of the two different examples which one is more exciting, which one is more vulnerable, hint hint Models.. What makes you different from all the other dudes that like college football and jet skiing?....


What makes you "laid back and super funny?"

how are you "really ambitious and motivated."

Prove those statements with action and vulnerability.

Good luck, Online game is fun, but it is still a numbers game. I also find it to be more work than approaching. As you said you are stuck in the middle of nowhere. The numbers might be in your favor. The other trick with online game is to get them off the computer as soon as possible.

"It has been cool to email with back and forth, but let talk like normal people, give me your number and we can make plans"
OR
"It has been cool to email with back and forth, but let talk like normal people, text me your number (123-123-6969) I'll call you and we can make plans"

I have better luck with the texting, I assume cuz you give your number first and women love to text... I think it feels safer for them.

[MagneticPerson]

Victory and Divoco had some good points.
Seems like you are off to a good start and have grasped the general rules of thumb many men (and women) miss:

-Don't try to prove anything in your profile. You know you are cool, so just display yourself.
-Display your most attractive qualities (physically and emotionally/intellectually)
-Screen for what you want
-Put what you are looking for honestly (don't lead women on if you want something casual and vice versa)
-Get interactions offline fast and into human interaction