Girl with sexual shame

[Dazed]

I was on a date with a girl (19 years old) less than two weeks ago. The date went well. We were both physical (touching each other, holding, kissing in the neck, etc.). During the whole date I was trying to kiss her, but she was always moving her head away and was laughing. She told me she never had a ONS. She was only with two guys and they were her ex's. She has told me she wanted a serious relationship and didn't want to have sex too fast. Seriously, I didn't mind...I'm also searching for something serious.

After the date, I took her back to her home (her parent house). We were in my car outside. I was still trying to kiss her...then suddently she said ''aaah fuck it'' and she has started to kiss me. We've kissed for while. Then, she has grabbed my cock...so I've started touching her boobs, then she was sucking at my thumb. She has told me she would like to undress me and bring me back in her bed...but her parents wouldn't like her to bring a guy home. We agreed to take our time and the date ended.

The next day, she has texted me to say that the date was really cool. She told me that I was her perfect type physically and that she felt in security with me. The next day, I've texted her that we should do something together and she agreed. The day of the second date she has cancelled because she wasn't feeling well. We didn't text each other for two days. Last friday I've sent her a text ''Ok...what's up? Do you still want to talk? Do you still want to see me?'' During the week end she has answered me that she tought she was too agressive toward me, that she tought I had met another girl and that she was busy in her life...that she would see. Yeah...bullshit reasons. Then, I've sent another text to tell her to just tell me the truth. Her answer was:''You'll find it weird...but I think you have a perfect body. I fear that I will be hook at you for that reason. I think it would be wrong to only like you for that...I know it's weird but it's the way I feel...''.

My answer: ''You don't know me very well, if we see each other more often, you will come to know my personality. I don't think you will like me for the wrong reasons! I could say the same about you, but I know their is more. Can we give each other another chance and see after?'' She agreed that we should meet again.

I was thinking of seeing her again this weekend. I fear she will back down. What can I do with a girl that have sexual shame? It's obvious that she feel guilty of what happened the first night. Should I talk to her and take the blame for the first night? What can I do to make her feel more comfortable about the situation? Should I try to see her again or am I losing my time? I'm not used to this kind of situation...I wasn't really sexual with girls until recently...

[Elizabeth]

My guess is she wanted to take things slow, got caught up in the heat of the moment, and is now worried that you see her as someone who is sexually aggressive, when in reality she may not be, at least not after a first date (or she may believe "aggressive" equates to "slutty" or "easy").

I don't think taking the "blame" for the night is necessary. It's no one's fault because there's nothing to apologize for (unless you were being too pushy, but that didn't sound like the case here).

What you need to do is reassure her that you're interested in more than sex. Tell her why you like her. I assume it's not solely based on how "aggressive" she is?

If she does agree to meet up, you may even want to opt for a casual hang out instead of a date. That way you can get to know each other better and she'll see that you're genuinely interested in spending time with her, not just hooking up. If she flakes, then move on.

Hope this is helpful. Would love to hear how it turns out.

[Leo]

Dazed, it seems to me that she doesn't know what she wants. Now she regrets what she did, it sounds very complicated. I'd move on.

[Dazed]

Thank you Eliz, I've followed your advice. I've sent her a message yesterday that we should meet again, take our time to know each other, that I think she is interesting, that I didn't only want to have sex...and blah blah. Then, she has told me that the problem was more with her time, it's not that she didn't want to see me. I know she has a lot of work with school now (she's doing 2 semesters in 1) and working a lot. We agreed that maybe we could try again in a month...when the timing would be better. She has told me she really like me and find me really attractive. Today, she has texted me to say "Hi". It was so random... Then, after few messages, she has told she's not doing anything today. WTF?!

My conclusion? I think Leo is right. She doesn't know what she want and the situation is just complicated. I'm moving on.

[Traindom]

Thanks for posting your experience. It was great food for thought. What I got from it is that you don't have to put women on a pedestal. You don't have to play her games and wait on her if you don't want to. Very powerful stuff. Thanks!

[Elizabeth]

Dazed, I'm glad you at least made an effort to talk to her and be honest with her. Since she keeps sending a lot of mixed signals, I don't question your decision to move on.

[Dazed]

Traindom, I'm happy you learned something from my story! I think putting women on pedestal was and is still one of my biggest problem...but I'm slowly learning!

Eliz: Well, I'm surprised I did it. Usually, I keep my mouth shut and I don't say what I feel to girls...

[Elizabeth]

(08-20-2012 02:36 PM)Dazed Wrote:  Traindom, I'm happy you learned something from my story! I think putting women on pedestal was and is still one of my biggest problem...but I'm slowly learning!

Eliz: Well, I'm surprised I did it. Usually, I keep my mouth shut and I don't say what I feel to girls...

Believe me, I know how much easier it is to "lie" by omission than to vocalize your feelings. When I was younger, I often led on guys when I wasn't really interested. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone; I just couldn't bring myself to say, "I'm not interested" or "I don't like you in that way" (ah, the dreaded Friend Zone). I used to worry about hurting guys' feelings, but I eventually figured out that while blunt honesty may sting, dishonesty cuts a lot deeper.

Even though things didn't work out this time, wasn't it liberating to be honest?

[Dazed]

It's weird, but I remember a girl telling me she wasn't interested in seeing me again after a first date. I was completly destroyed by it...like my castle was crumbling. The weirdest part? The girl wasn't anything special...not that attractive and nothing in common with me. My ego couldn't take it (now it's different I can handle rejection better). After that, I came to conclusion that saying nothing was better for the other person than telling the truth. Some girls could be after me for weeks or even months...and I couldn't tell them ''I'm not interested''. In fact, it save time and energy to both when we say the truth. I think the worst is when someone start acting like a ghost (not replying to messages). I did that often in the past...even few months ago...I'm ashamed of it. It's so simple to say ''I'm not interested''.

Yeah! It was liberating and it was like taking weight off my shoulders. I've seen it wouldn't go anywhere after that. I have other options now, it's not like she was the only girl in my life, but she was taking too much space in my head. It's stupid but we can lose so much energy guessing or having expectations about someone.

[Elizabeth]

I'm also guilty of being a "ghost" (ignoring texts/calls for no other reason than avoiding someone). It's a cop out, and it's something I still have to work on from time to time.

Another thing I've learned related to your experience: in the past when I put some guy on a pedestal, I didn't act like myself around him. For example, I was hanging out with this guy last summer and he was smart, funny, and attractive. I got this silly idea in my subconscious that he was "cool" and I shouldn't act say anything stupid or nerdy around him (apparently I was reliving every crush I had in 7th grade, haha). I don't think I realize how much I monitored my own words and actions around him until after things between us fizzled.

Was it his fault that I didn't feel comfortable around him? Nope, because I was the one who decided I needed to act a certain way around him. I should've just been myself. Who knows, maybe I would have learned that he was also an uber LOTR fan? (...probably not)

Bottom line: if you put a woman on a pedestal, you'll act differently around her in order to match your perception of her expectations. Be honest about who you are and what you want, and stop putting nonsensical thoughts in your head about her being "better" than you. I realize how obvious all of this sounds, but it's easier said than done.

At the end of the day, don't you want to be with someone who wants you exactly as you are (quirks, flaws, and all)?

[Spikes]

I'm facing the same issue literally right now. I'm driving 45 minutes to hang out with a girl I have no interest in dating just because I don't want to hurt her feelings.... Gotta start being more honest...

[Elizabeth]

(08-20-2012 06:35 PM)Spikes Wrote:  I'm facing the same issue literally right now. I'm driving 45 minutes to hang out with a girl I have no interest in dating just because I don't want to hurt her feelings.... Gotta start being more honest...

That's a lot of time and gas money to invest in someone you're not interested in...

[Dazed]

At the first date with that girl, I went to see her and I didn't give a fuck (friday). She was all over me. The next day she was texting me to see me again...so I was texting back. I think the "pedestal trap" happened the third day (Sunday) when I texted her that I wanted to see her the Tuesday. She agreed, but it was a downfall from there. It was just ''too much'' and ''too fast''. I was fearing that she would flaked, I texted her again the thursday. She flaked because she was ''sick'' or whatever. I didn't say anything...I don't know why but I didn't want to displease her. Then, I was tyring again to see her few days later, then the week after. It's my problem with attractive girls and it's even worst if she is physical. I change my normal behavior, because I want to please...when in fact I don't need to do that at all. In fact girls prefer me when I act with my normal behavior

Eliz, I totally understand your situation. The same happened to me with a girl few months ago. I saw her for two months...at didn't want to say anything bad in front of her, I was saying that her music was cool (when in fact it was terrible), saying the movies she like were cool (again her tastes were awful), etc. Your right it's our fault, we are the one that take the decisions not to be ourselves...nobody else! Bottom line: if you put a woman on a pedestal, you'll act differently around her in order to match your perception of her expectations. Be honest about who you are and what you want, and stop putting nonsensical thoughts in your head about her being "better" than you. I'll try to apply that in the future, great conclusion!

[SeXyBaCk]

Okay first things first.

Spike ... Spike.... Spike!

(08-20-2012 06:35 PM)Spikes Wrote:  I'm facing the same issue literally right now. I'm driving 45 minutes to hang out with a girl I have no interest in dating just because I don't want to hurt her feelings.... Gotta start being more honest...

Since you know her and you're driving, I'm going to assume she is cute enough to at least put your hands on, right? So bang her, even if you know 100% you don't want a relationship with her because of whatever reason. You need to make a move. Doing the drive has comitted you to making a move.


Dazed,

Sometimes you just have to call out people for their games. If you find yourself in a similiar situation in future just send a message saying "alright, enough text message banter for my taste. If you're into any REAL excitement, ____this is where I live, come see me. Call before to make sure I'm home."

The girl on the date was down but you beat around the bush and let her play you. Sometimes you have to put people on the spot and force them to make a decision or commit to being in or out.

[Dazed]

Yeah, I should do that more often...true!