"Getting Good at Sex" article - questions (especially for Mark)

[Salaam]

(06-26-2012 06:42 PM)I_Dare Wrote:  You see, many guys have A LOT of real life experience, real life action and so on. And guess what...THEY STILL SUCK. It's not experience that helps you, it's POSITIVE EXPERIENCE.

Thing is there is a positive in almost every experience, its up to you to have the focus and strength to find it and learn from it.

I can't remember who, but someone once said "Success is at least 70% failure". Our failures are the forks in our road, the signals that let us know there is an opportunity for growth. Don't fear it, embrace it as a man, because it will always be with you and its up to you to perceive it as either a blessing or a burden.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

"Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success." - Dale Carnegie

"I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it." - Jonathan Winters

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

"In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time." - Anthony d'Angelo

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." - Bill Cosby

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill

Clearly, I'm a failure at containing my enthusiasm for cool quotes... but I'll live

[Trickster]

Here are a few things I've learned about sex.

1) Good sex is more psychological than technical. A lot of guys mistakenly believe that they can read some sort of "sex guide" learn a bunch of moves and be awesome in bed - this just simply isn't the case. Good sex is about how you make the person feel and how your sexual energies combine rather than using a certain technique. It's about dominance, immersion, and imagination. That's not to say that technique is worthless, but just not nearly as important as you think.

2) Different women have different preferences - sometimes wildly different preferences. Don't assume that one thing that is good for one woman will be good for another. Sex is a process of exploration - the first time with someone new is usually awkward, as you get to know their likes and dislikes.

3) The female orgasm is amazing, but most women I've been don't place as much of an emphasis on the orgasm as men do on the male orgasm. Women enjoy the process of sex, especially sex with someone they like. Focus on having fun with the woman you're with over the technical details - I guarantee you she'll appreciate this much more than anything you get out of a sex guide you've read.

[I_Dare]

Ok, I'll try to be calm ) even though it's pretty fucking difficult in this case.

Thanks a lot for all your advice, input, worrying about me and stuff like that. You wrote a lot of advice for newbies...but I ALREADY KNEW THAT SHIT.

I didn't ask for techniques, magic pills, or anything like that. I asked a simple question about the overall frame of a dominant man. Should he aim to be sexually dominant by doing in bed whatever he wants... fucking her as he pleases... or should he aim to satisfy the woman by finding what works for her? THAT'S IT!!!

The reason I asked the first question was that a girl told me her ex was fucking her real hard and dominant and she didn't enjoy it at all.

I've already read Sex God Method, Shade's book and everything you guys are posting about... The information is good, a nice reminder and thank you for it but you didn't answer my simple question...which was the reason I started this fucking thread....

[Salaam]

The answer is both, be a Dominantly considerate lover.

[Tim]

It depends on circumstances. Some guys need to focus more on her if they're selfish, others need to learn to be more dominant if they don't take the lead. That's why this is not a good question.

But I'll try to answer your question. The next time you have sex, i.e. when it will be most relevant, focus on being dominant and doing what you prefer. That's it.

[I_Dare]

@Salaam and Tim - thanks for being normal. That was kind of the help I was looking for...

[Thenewguy]

I'm a virgin, and even I completely agree with what these guys are saying.

I'm pretty sure the world is not gonna end when you suck at sex the first time...

Did you fall in depression when you fell off your bike the first time? (assuming you know how to ride)

I don't see why this is different... With anything you start by being bad and getting better...

[FirstAidKit]

From a female perspective, there are a few things that generally improve the encounter:

1) Enthusiasm. tell her how hot you think she is. tell her you want her. touch her everywhere and basically just be obvious how excited you are to have sex. A lot of girls are self conscious and the more you can minimise that the better.

2) Slow the fuck down. Really take your time teasing and touching and making sure your fore is properly played.

3) For most women the clit is where it's at - you will generally not go wrong with two fingers on clit rubbing in small circles. Keep your fingers wet and for most women rhythm and pressure are more important than speed. Some women find direct clit action too much though, YMMV.

4) Lastly - ask her what she likes. You don't have to muddle through guessing , just getting confirmation of "harder/slower/faster/swirlier" is probably going to put your mind at ease. Also keep an eye on her body movements and breathing to see if she reacts strongly to one thing.

Now, you have basic advice, go forth and apply it to some women.

Also: I would refrain from declaring that clitoral orgasms are not all that before aquiring a clitoris.

[Creatine Dreams]

Hey FirstAidKit.

It might also be helpful to post things that you do not like.

Like some universal things that the majority of women do not like.

[SeXyBaCk]

I can chip in on this from hearsay - I stress hearsay not first hand experience - though I'm still waiting on my clitoral transplant.

She doesn't like her boobies bruised, boxed, elbowed etc, that shit hurts

don't try poking her with your thing when she's clearly not ready

don't try poking her in the backside sans consent

generally don't go hot and cold from one moment to the other, that stinks and makes her question her sex appeal.

Seriously, try and come away from this frame of mind you can be a sex god that women will somehow sense from across the room. You want to be comfortable with your own body, her body, really into it and expressive about enjoy it. Then you're a great lover. That's all there is. What exactly you're doing it totally secondary, you figure that out with each other as you go. Some couples like bondage, some totally prefer flowery gentle sex, others like it rough, others again prefers in and out, and so on. That's part of a relationship that's unique. I might sound like a broken record but you're overthinking this I_Dare. There's not all that much to sex. We're all animals, mammals, we're programmed to know how to have sex, it'll come naturally, stop worrying, instead go out there, look for a girl you like and ask her out.

[FirstAidKit]

Erm. Long fingernails?

I think the 'dislikes' list is a lot more specific and dependent on the woman in question - the only way you can really know is to ask her or stumble on one accidentally (which is fine - just learn not to repeat it!).

[Chaos]

They dislike when you're completely into it and then right in the middle you hear something in the TV that you left on without even noticing, possibly news related to the Eurocup and you become distracted...

I can't really figure out why, but it happens...

[I_Dare]

@Thenewguy - you don't fall into depression when you fail to ride the bike because that's all about you. Having sex is about 2 people and the disappointment will not be just yours...

@FirstAidKid - 1. Thanks. 2. Well, most if not all sex books + all the girls I talked with say clitoral orgasms are nothing compared to vaginal orgasms... and that clitoral orgasms are like a tingling sensation.... I assumed they can't be all full of shit...

[SeXyBaCk]

Probably only 2 in 5 women actually experience vaginal orgasms in our age group. It's up to her to figure out what makes her cum not you. If she's cuming it's a good start.

[I_Dare]

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@FirstAidKid - I understand that you're a woman and you find it lame that I contradict you but picture this: Many women HAVE NO IDEA about their true orgasmic potential. Just look at White Tiger Tantra videos on youtube. Those women believed they can never have an orgasm and end up cuming like crazy and squirting all over the place.

I'm not saying clitoral orgasms are worthless and so on... I'm a fan of variety...but encouraging a woman to limit herself to it because "that's where it's at" seems very wrong.

I've heard David Shade speak about clitoral dependency. It makes total sense that the belief of NEEDING to play with her clit during sex to have an orgasm will actual hinder her true orgasmic potential. It's like the kid who thinks he NEEDS training wheels to ride the bike. The bike will pretty much move with the training wheels...but isn't the point to eventually let go of that belief?

I'm in no way an expert at this theoretically nor practically but I do believe someone who's REALLY good at this can move beyond exploring what SHE THINKS she can achieve sexually....

This was not exactly for you... I only disagree with you on the "the clitoris si where it's at" thing. You gave good advice that I heard many times and I appreciate it. This little section was more for the guys that believe a woman knows EVERYTHING about what can rock her world...

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@SexyB - There was this statistic that 60% of women don't have vaginal orgasms ever. That's just statistics. Statistics are usually wrong because they don't take everything in consideration.

For example...there must be a direct correlation between "most guys suck in bed" and "more than half of women can't have vaginal orgasms".

The experiences and insight of David X and Steve P (PLUS a lot of psychological research), 2 very famous community guys have pretty much proven that most of the women who "can't cum" actually have nothing wrong about them. Some have mental barriers and others have just met shitty lovers. There's nothing organically wrong with them.

David X - had lots of women tell him they had their first orgasm with him. he didn't believe them till a medical specialist told him it's plausible. He's obviously refering to vaginal orgasms...
Steve P - he's a fucking PhD and has helped tons of women who had DOCTORS tell them they're sick and anorgasmic for life actually have VAGINAL / FULL BODY / EJACULATORY orgasms and become orgasmic... he has proof on tape... it's called White Tiger Tantra.

I think that statistic has done MUCH more bad than good. Guys find statistics like that good arguments to continue being shit in bed.

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Clitoral orgasms are not rare. Actually, I haven't heard of any cases where the woman can't have them...

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Some women HAVE NO IDEA what makes them cum...and especially what makes them NOT CUM. They think being all in their heads, worrying etc is normal. Waiting for a woman that has never had an orgasm (non-clitoral) or is clueless...to give you FULL instructions seems very similar to watching The Secret and waiting for money to fall from the sky...

I believe the guy should actually relax her, get her out of her head by making her feel beautiful, by being present with her so she can be present with him...by paying attention to her responses etc.... and only then she's the one to explore herself and send non-verbal or verbal signals/ indications that things are on the right path.

I might have totally misunderstood your post and you actually said is "She should be aware in the moment what she likes/enjoys."+"She can help you by sharing what worked for her in the past." which makes sense.

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Long story short:
I have 2 obsessions:
1. Most guys suck in bed for whatever reason (girls say it's because they try to emulate porn, they're insecure, they're in their heads, they're unnatural, they don't know women like to be fucked... etc etc)
2. Most women don't know what their sexual potential is...

[SeXyBaCk]

*double facepalm*

Look man, just go and figure out what makes your date cum that's all that needs to concern you, not all of womanhood. Geezus christ, you need to stop with the reading of nonsense and what so called community members say. They're just dudes on computers like you, spouting nonsense. Sex is something you do with someone, you practice and get good at it with someone.

Anyway, I can tell you're being compulsive about this so continue if it makes you happy.

Eventually you'll have a steady sex partner and you might realise that for a lot of women orgasms isn't the end all, some just want to have sex with you and if they cum or not isn't all that important.

My ex of 4 years would pretty much climax as soon as i touched her, and would keep doing so 5-10 times during intercourse, sometimes 15 times, hell it seemed like it was continuous for her. The girl I'm with now climaxes once at most and not every time, yet she's far aggressive in initiating sex with me than my previous girlfriend - who nearly always left it up to me to initiate. Which one was more sexual, which enjoyed sex more? You tell me. Point being is that women are different in their sexuality, much like men. There's no "one size fits all". You figure it out as you go, you don't read it from a book and you definitely don't need David X telling you how to fuck. Learning by doing man, hard that one before?

[I_Dare]

Well, you didn't really contradict anything I wrote...

[FirstAidKit]

Oh FFS. This is like watching someone who's never played an instrument deconstructing George Harrison's guitar technique.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that as a woman who has a hard time coming and even then it's always from clit stimulation (which varies in intensity from blip on the radar to explodey-tsunami of ecstasy) - being repeatedly told that the way I get off and being pressured to come a certain way has contributed majorly to any sexual hang ups I have. I can tell you with absolute certainty I'm not the only woman this has happened too - most of the women I've slept with have reported similar and sing the praises of the non goal-orientated, non-cock focused fun of lesbian sex.

Look - I'm 22, I damn well hope I've got things about me sexually I haven't worked out yet and given willing partners and practice I'm sure I'll work them out. But given you are a virgin telling women how they SHOULD be coming is making you come across as an idiot.

[Creatine Dreams]

George Harrison's guitar technique is not that complicated. Neither is sex.

But if you have never had sex or played guitar, it is probably not a good idea to comment on either.