First Post Ever - I Need Help

[nonoman21787]

Hello PostMasculine Community,

I'm not even sure where to begin. I recently reached out to Mark who recommended I post my situation here:

I consider myself absolutely terrible with women pre approach/during the initial phases of a conversation. However, if given the chance to spark a connection with a woman, I consider myself to be very competent at escalating/sealing the deal.

I was terribly shy in high school, but opened up quite a bit in college. Thus, literally all of my lays I've ever had have come from my old alma matter. I had a girlfriend for 3 years during college which I woefully regret to this day. There was no spark with her, so I broke it off a few weeks before graduating. I was captain of the rugby team at this point, and I had some exposure to PUA theory at the time, so I put an absolutely immense pressure on myself to hookup with girls during my remaining time there. I thought to myself "It'll never be this easy again." I met my most recent girlfriend, and immediately jumped into another relationship. I just recently broke up with her after 2.5 years. She cheated on me, twice, and I will not lie; this wound still hurts. It happened about a month ago, but I think I JUST started to let myself feel this pain. It hurts bad. We lived together, I provided for her, was with her when her mother passed away. It was the ultimate betrayal and it's incredibly painful.

Post breakup I've been trying to get my life in order. I'm temporarily living with my parents while searching for a new apartment. This depresses me; it feels like I have moved backwards. I'm 25 years old and living with my parents. It also means I can't bring women home with me which is another tough pill to swallow because I literally live 10 minutes outside of NYC. I've been doing a whole lot of work on my fundamentals: I'm in great shape, am having a friend help me improve my wardrobe, and recently took up indoor rock climbing. I'm still trying to find a hobby that I can use to meet women. I've boiled down my demographic to the following: white/light skinned, super skinny, shorter than me, and intelligent. That last part is key. I get so discouraged talking to dumb girls, and I really don't enjoy gaming in nightclub type places where the music is so loud that I can't hear myself think.

Last weekend, I went out with a girl I had originally met through my ex. If you're sensing a pattern, you're right; I can't get laid outside of this old college social circle. Regardless, it went absolutely incredible. It was intense. We had sex all night and the next morning, had very deep intelligent conversation, etc. But I've been so infatuated with her, that I may have blown any chances at FWB status by texting her too much (about once or twice a day). This also depresses me greatly.

This whole thing seems so daunting. I don't want the highest lay count in the world; I really, truly mean that. I want quality interactions with smart, interesting women who are my type sexually (white, super skinny, cute face, shorter than me). Eventually, I'd like to settle down with one of those girls and have a family. Is this too much to ask for?

I don't even know where to begin. And ultimately, I feel very alone in this. Many of my friends are in the same boat, but they are either the type that like to go out to nightclubs and have sex with anything that moves (I don't at all judge, but isn't quite for me), or they haven't been laid in ages and quietly resign themselves to masturbating all of the time. I feel as though I have no brothers - in - arms. I have no mentors. No coaches. And this too is depressing.

I hope this post wasn't too long. Thank you all for your help. I hope to contribute to this community to the best of my ability.

-Nonoman

P.S. I apologize if I posted this in the wrong section.

[baller08]

Nonoman -

Welcome to the forum and thanks for the detail background. So a few things right off the bat:

1) You are definitely not alone. Many men today are in your exact situation. The guys who you know who don't get laid at all are one level below you, but if they ever got a girlfriend they would be exactly where you are in terms of behavior.

2) There are no easy answers or short cuts. You'll find some education and insights on this forum but there's a lot of work ahead of you.

3) You take what comes along. You aren't willing to risk rejection or to extend beyond your boundaries.

4) Because of #3, you're desperate and you give off desperate vibes to women. I take it that you're a pretty decent/good looking guy so that is why you're not like your other friends who stay home and masturbate all the time....but once the girl gets to know you and see your needy behaviors, they lose interest.

5) You don't have standards. "White, skinny, shorter than you" are not standards. They are preferences. Your gf cheated on you not once but twice. The fact that you stayed after the first time says a lot. Whatever insecurities and fears that made you stay, you have to fix that first. A man with standards would have left the first time and not looked back.

6) You're not ready to "settle down" because you aren't ready to lead a family or a relationship. You look to the woman to lead. You have to learn to manage and own your life first before you can pass that onto your children. So don't even think about that right now.

7) Stop limiting yourself to "white, skinny, and shorter than you". The fact that you fear women taller than you says a lot as well. You haven't dated enough to know what a woman of good characteristics are yet. We all have a physical preferance but you definitely have to broaden your perspective a whole lot or you'll lose out in tons of experience, which you very much need.

So in order for you to move forward, you have to know where you've been. Read these two articles and really think about them in conjunction to your own life. These two articles aren't solutions, but it does help you know what your obstacles TRULY ARE. They're not just "finding the right girl"....that is just a positive result of overcoming your internal demons.

http://baller08.blogspot.com/2011/05/desperation.html

http://baller08.blogspot.com/2012/01/fear.html

After you read these articles come on back here and we'll talk about starting to find the solutions. But you have to own and identify your problems first.

[nonoman21787]

Baller,

Thank you very much for your reply and your help:

1. Sometimes I just feel as though I have no one to share this journey with. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one out there feeling this way, although it may feel that way sometimes.

2. I've worked hard for everything I've done in my life that I've been successful in. I'm ready and willing to work for this. I certainly hope it won't feel like work and will actually be fun though lol.

3. Yes.

4. Yes.

5. I agree. I kick myself all the time for staying with her until the second time.

6. I didn't mean to imply that I want to get married tomorrow. I only meant to convey the fact that I want to improve in this area of my life, so that eventually I can use these skills to find the right person to do that with.

7. I disagree with some of this. I don't fear women taller than me. I just fear women in general haha. The girl I dated for 3 years was taller than me. And quite frankly I was never quite into her physically. I'll keep an open mind with respect to physical preferences, however. But a lot of what I was trying to convey is that I no longer want to settle for partners that don't meet my physical preferences which almost always tend to be those characteristics.

I read the articles; thank you for them. Where do I go from here?

-Nonoman

[baller08]

Do you have a better understanding of...

1) What you did in your relationship to cause your girlfriend to lose respect and attraction for you?

2) Why you stayed after the first time she cheated on you?

[nonoman21787]

1. She lost respect and attraction for me because of my supplicating behavior. Because I stopped hanging out with my friends as much and hung out with her more. I made her a priority over other things in my life that should have been more important.

2. Because deep down I had a sub conscious belief telling me that I couldn't find someone else as good as her. I hated the thought of not having steady sex and someone to cuddle up next to. Someone to connect to. I disrespected myself and it sucks. I'm tired of doing it.

-Nonoman

[baller08]

It's really great to see you're willing to be brutally honest with yourself. I think you got both points dead on.

So you want to tackle this from an internal/learning/mindset path and an external/take risks/push boundaries path.

For the internal path, get and read these 2 books:

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Gu...697&sr=8-1

http://postmasculine.com/models

From an external path, to start off do the following:

1) Approach 5 new women in your day to day life. Go for phone numbers and see if you can get them out on dates.

2) When you do go out with your friends, resist hitting on women in your current social circle, branch out and meet strangers.

3) When you are sleeping with a woman (like you are currently), make it a point for yourself to not text or talk to her more than twice a week and don't see her more than once a week....go for every other week ideally.

4) When you are sleeping with a woman, continue to push and get more numbers instead of just relaxing and thinking you're having sex so it's good enough.

[nonoman21787]

Already read Models. I'll grab No More Nice Guy asap.

"Approach 5 new women in your day to day life. Go for phone numbers and see if you can get them out on dates."

2 issues. First, I'm absolutely terrified of doing this. Second, my opportunities to meet women in my day to day life are somewhat limited. For starters, I work in front of a computer all day long. At best I can try during my lunch hour, but I work in a small town where there aren't very many good opportunities to do so. I feel as though I am relegated to weekend night outings. And those lounge/club environments terrify me even further with respect to approaching new girls.

[baller08]

(04-25-2012 09:21 PM)nonoman21787 Wrote:  Already read Models. I'll grab No More Nice Guy asap.

"Approach 5 new women in your day to day life. Go for phone numbers and see if you can get them out on dates."

2 issues. First, I'm absolutely terrified of doing this. Second, my opportunities to meet women in my day to day life are somewhat limited. For starters, I work in front of a computer all day long. At best I can try during my lunch hour, but I work in a small town where there aren't very many good opportunities to do so. I feel as though I am relegated to weekend night outings. And those lounge/club environments terrify me even further with respect to approaching new girls.

That's the point. And that's what I meant by my point #2 above...it's going to take work. If you want to reach the goals you posted in your OP, then you have to face those fears and work through them. That's why I said, there are no short cuts.

The external activities I've suggested is designed to unearth fears that you have swimming around in your head. Got to tackle them man.

You have to read Models again because you haven't absorbed what Mark is writing about.

The rest of what you said...excuses. All excuses and you know it.

You said "I don't even know where to begin." You do now. No matter how much knowledge you get or how much you talk about it here, you have to face those fears, no way around it. You read my post on my blog....the same fears you have about approaching women led to you not having options that led to you staying in your relationship.

[nonoman21787]

You're right. I suppose I have to just suck it up and do it. Thanks a ton for your help.

[Jon]

(04-25-2012 09:36 PM)baller08 Wrote:  

(04-25-2012 09:21 PM)nonoman21787 Wrote:  Already read Models. I'll grab No More Nice Guy asap.

"Approach 5 new women in your day to day life. Go for phone numbers and see if you can get them out on dates."

2 issues. First, I'm absolutely terrified of doing this. Second, my opportunities to meet women in my day to day life are somewhat limited. For starters, I work in front of a computer all day long. At best I can try during my lunch hour, but I work in a small town where there aren't very many good opportunities to do so. I feel as though I am relegated to weekend night outings. And those lounge/club environments terrify me even further with respect to approaching new girls.

That's the point.

That was my exact reaction.

[Drewid]

I got dumped a little over a month ago. My buddy, who was a big part of PUA scene about seven years ago just told me to go talk to 12 girls. No hints, no rules—just do it.

I did it. Took me six days (ended up opening a ton on the last night and got to about 20, but that's another story.)

It's worth the effort. It will give you hope. It's what led me here.

[Chaos]

Yeah, first of all, welcome!! ... Second I think most of us will be able to identify with some if not all of what you describe... I agree with Balle, it's great to see that you're willing to be completely honest to yourself... and willing to improve... with those two qualities you'll get far...

I agree with all that Baller said. There's no magic pill, not secret formula. If you wanna improve in this you gotta take action by approaching girls. Take the less uncomfortable scenario and just do it, but it will be uncomfortable no matter what... and that's good.

Whenever I find something I'm doing doesn't feel uncomfortable anymore, I know I've mastered that stage... if you're uncomfortable it means you're learning, and if you're learning, you're improving.

[SeXyBaCk]

Hi NoNo, welcome, it's always nice to have new members contributing.

I don't have a Churchill'esque "blood, sweat and tears" speech for you, just one or two thoughts on your OP, which was plenty descriptive. You've taken a couple of sore'uns but you seem ready to get back out there, that's the important part. You've identified your main problem, approaching. You've got approach anxiety like most of us have felt at some point. I can't say how hard it will be for you to break through that, that ultimately depends on you and how quickly your mind lets go of that irrational fear and accepts that ladies actually want you to approach them.

You say apart from that you've got your shit pretty much together, aside from the living situation which you're working on. But getting laid and bringing someone home is your biggest concern at this minute. That'll sort itself out when you find a place.

My suggestion would be to make Saturday your play day. Meet a friend for lunch in town, limber up, then head off alone to the MET or some other exhibit around town and force yourself to start talking to women around our age. It's so easy to talk to people in museums and places i find. They can be tourists, you make a comment about the exhibit, comes naturally. If you feel to hesitant with attractive women just warm up on regular people standing around. Then take it from there.

[nonoman21787]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It feels good knowing that I'm taking a path that many others have travelled down before. I'm very happy Mark suggested posting here to find like-minded individuals and people who have been through this. As I mentioned in my original post, most of my friends either don't have this problem, and probably wonder why I'm so anxious about actually approaching, or are on the complete other end and have given up on the thought of ever breaking through this barrier. So it feels a little lonely without having people in the trenches with me. Hopefully this community will help, and I can in turn begin contributing more when I've broken through and dealt with this issue.

[baller08]

nonoman - today you're going to go out to the mall, coffee shop, bookstore, or museum (as Sexyback suggested) and you're going to warm up just by making small talk with people in general.

Then you're going to see a cute girl and you're going to want to go up and talk to her. Your mind will then automatically fire every irrational, completely not true fear and you're going to tell yourself 10 reasons why you aren't going to approach her.

When that happens, think about what Chaos said here:

Quote:Whenever I find something I'm doing doesn't feel uncomfortable anymore, I know I've mastered that stage... if you're uncomfortable it means you're learning, and if you're learning, you're improving.

So no excuses. In your nervousness you're going to come off already very interested, but don't worry about that for now...doesn't matter. So pick any opener you've learned...it doesn't matter. Don't make it complicated and fancy, don't compliment, just be normal. What you say doesn't matter. Don't spend too much time worrying about saying the right thing, just make it something that fits your personality. It's how you handle the rest of the conversation that matters. But the first 10 is going to be tough....no way around it...just got to do it.