Factors that have led you and me to become less vulnerable in our lives

[TexasFan]

I wanted to address this to everyone on the forums because i feel that it is important to be aware of what is keeping us from openly sharing ourselves and our emotions. I'm pretty sure most of you can relate to alot of the stuff that i will state. Please feel free to add your own ideas about yourselves as well.

Feeling of Shame: I grew up in a family that didn't really express their emotions freely and openly. My dad, mom and sister keep alot of things bottled up in their heads and were afraid of judgement from eachother, society and extended family.

I also realized that shame dosen't pop up inside of us because of family issues, but friends as well. Growing up i wasen't really good at standing up for myself. I didn't really get beat up or get bullied, but when guy friends used to joke around, i was pretty wear at standing up for myself.

Fear of Rejection/failure: This was a big one. Growing up i felt that rejection was the end of the world. Not gonna lie. I think i was less afraid of dying than getting rejected. Although i have gotten rejected multiple times in my life with women and friends, this feeling is still my biggest fear to date.

Fear of Success: Whether it comes to standing out, getting a good job, working out and having a rock solid body, i have always felt that i don't deserve it for some reason and that the people who actually are wealthy, having a good life, job, famous are genetically better somehow.

These are the ones that i can think out the top of my head. I know most of it sounds pretty stupid, but at the back of my mind, in my subconcious these facts have been haunting me for most of my life.

I have began to make shifts in the past couple of weeks though. Trying to not censor my emotions as much as i used to.

[CharlesB]

I am also working on free expression (I prefer this term than vulnerability) but I am more focused to implement it in my life than analyze the reasons that I didn't do it in the past.
Until now , I can say I feel more easiness in social situations , and when talking to people.
And to achieve it , I believe the most important is doing and getting used to it.
I remember an old article about inner game where the author proposed going out and socializing as much as you can ( Although I don't remember if he gave any other instructions , like how to connect with people ) and that at some point you will see a new self shine.
Also I believe the problem of expressing your real self touches more people , even the "experienced " in this forum who give advice. And I refer to them because the impression I took from some posts , that some consider themselves to be advanced (superior than others ) , and I can see this consideration leading to a "persona" and prevent them from really connecting with people .

[qsafe10]

(04-24-2012 01:15 AM)TexasFan Wrote:  I wanted to address this to everyone on the forums because i feel that it is important to be aware of what is keeping us from openly sharing ourselves and our emotions. I'm pretty sure most of you can relate to alot of the stuff that i will state. Please feel free to add your own ideas about yourselves as well.

Feeling of Shame: I grew up in a family that didn't really express their emotions freely and openly. My dad, mom and sister keep alot of things bottled up in their heads and were afraid of judgement from eachother, society and extended family.

I also realized that shame dosen't pop up inside of us because of family issues, but friends as well. Growing up i wasen't really good at standing up for myself. I didn't really get beat up or get bullied, but when guy friends used to joke around, i was pretty wear at standing up for myself.

Fear of Rejection/failure: This was a big one. Growing up i felt that rejection was the end of the world. Not gonna lie. I think i was less afraid of dying than getting rejected. Although i have gotten rejected multiple times in my life with women and friends, this feeling is still my biggest fear to date.

Fear of Success: Whether it comes to standing out, getting a good job, working out and having a rock solid body, i have always felt that i don't deserve it for some reason and that the people who actually are wealthy, having a good life, job, famous are genetically better somehow.

These are the ones that i can think out the top of my head. I know most of it sounds pretty stupid, but at the back of my mind, in my subconcious these facts have been haunting me for most of my life.

I have began to make shifts in the past couple of weeks though. Trying to not censor my emotions as much as i used to.

If in a way I permit myself the lux of quoting your task let me start in the point of faillor of rejection by saying this is often the result of past experiences or what is hapening around us. The society in which we live often treats even the simple events like so big and give to them a huge amplitude that we are obliged to keep secret. It is not without knowing that many people looking for guidance approach others and instead of finding a solution for what they need encounter more problems or become unveiled by the rest of the world. Perhars they would like to find someone who is really sincere and concerned about their cause but have to keep it cluck guessing what can be the result.
The other point was about faillor to succed in life. I remember a day I ask an economist why even for any good reason I have I can not stand my own businees. The answer he gave to me was very simple. You focus too much more on losing the money than what you will gain. The feeling of insecurity comes across the age and does not leave us a mille due that it is in our subcounsious and form our personality. What people will say?", if my friend finally discorver this?", will everyone appreciate it?" If I never find someone to be my soul mate?" Always an "if" without an "why not". According to survey many people smoke not because they really want but for being popular, gentlemen, accepted by the club ect. Instead of living their whole life they start to be deteriorated till they lose their self confident. For me they both come from the same route; low self esteem. To be out of them selecting to be in good company would be the best. Do not tell me everyone is the same. I would ever believe it. Find out people having the same educational background level as you do. I know how difficult it is to be found but for me it is worth trying.

[Halo Effect]

TexasFan,

I can relate to almost everything you say in your post.

I think what has helped me become more comfortable with vulnerability is simply being vulnerable. The more you express yourself freely, the easier it becomes. When I notice that I'm not being assertive or when I'm feeling something, I sometimes force myself to say it. I push myself to share more of myself. Over the years this has caused a change in myself.

What always kept me from showing my real self was shame and a very strong fear of rejection and of being judged. What allows me to be vulnerable now is the desire to make real connections with people and to be accepted for who I really am, combined with the belief that I am lovable as I am. If you believe that you are not lovable, then you can't open up because you feel that rejection is the logical result of opening up. So learning to accept myself and even love myself is a second important thing that has helped me be more vulnerable.