Establishing Male Friendships

[SFCM]

So my last two relationships have taken big hits over my absence of male friendships and I need to solve this problem in the next few months. The last one was super high quality, and it ultimately fell apart due to my absence of a social life outside of women I used to sleep with - she understandably didn't want me spending time alone with girls I'd diddled but still wanted to maintain an outside social life herself.

The rest of my life is great, however, I do not male friendships in any quantity.

I do have a very complicated relationship with my father, who was a bit of a Roissy-inspired cad. My family did move around a lot while growing up, and I was isolationist until college, and then I was mostly concerned with my interactions with women. I've had a handful of male friends throughout my life, but not very many, and they were doing all of the work in all cases.

So here are my quesitons:
1. How do I go about establishing male friendships with mature, positive guys, starting from zero?
2. Where can I learn about the boundaries of platonic male friendship without having to go through a ton of embarassing trial and error, ie is anyone aware of a solid how-to guide on how to make friends?

[IdEngager]

I think the main catalyst for male friendships is usually having some common interest or activity or cause to bond over. Growing up, you made friends in school or with your neighbors cause of mere proximity and being forced to spend time together, but once you get older, there's less of that forced interaction. I remember in college, I made friends with my dorm floormates pretty quickly, but I didn't start to make dude friends outside of that until I got involved in activities that interested me, often going alone by myself at first.

So I think the first thing I'd do is identify some things that interest you and bring you around other people. Maybe it's joining a sports league, or a club, or going to concerts. Be relaxed and open with people but don't lay everything down on them at once. No one wants to hear your personal problems the first time you meet them, but chat about whatever you're doing at that moment and bring up other topics you think they might like. Invite them out to other activities they might like, even if it's just drinks after the game.

I truly think most friendships take time to establish, so don't fret about fixing it in a few months. You're not going to get along with everyone, but if you're a chill cat, you'll make friends you won't expect.

[juggernaut92]

Two things:
1) Read no more mr. nice guy. This is a section which talks about "nice guys" having a difficult time making and keeping male friends and also having a hard time embracing their masculinity.
2) Well I am still dealing with this issue about making male friends but one thing that worked for me a few time is doing this: If you are already in proximity then just strike up a conversation with another guy. Somewhere in there make sure you mention an ex-gf or girls so he doesn't think that you are hitting on him lol. After a few minutes tell him that you think he is a cool guy and that you two should go out to the bar and hit on girls and then grab his number. Call him up on the weekend and see what he is doing. He might invite you out to something or you can invite him out to a bar or club to chill.

[Thor]

I might be totally wrong but it sounds like more of a belief thing then anything else. Are you concerned about how you might be perceived by other men when you meet and talk to them ?

[SFCM]

(06-04-2012 04:04 PM)Thor Wrote:  I might be totally wrong but it sounds like more of a belief thing then anything else. Are you concerned about how you might be perceived by other men when you meet and talk to them ?

I think that's part of it.

Quote:1) Read no more mr. nice guy. This is a section which talks about "nice guys" having a difficult time making and keeping male friends and also having a hard time embracing their masculinity.

Strong boundaries and oversharing are not and have never been a problem for me. If anything, my boundaries aren't flexible enough, and I'm prone to not sharing anything with men for a variety of reasons.

Quote:If you are already in proximity then just strike up a conversation with another guy. Somewhere in there make sure you mention an ex-gf or girls so he doesn't think that you are hitting on him lol. After a few minutes tell him that you think he is a cool guy and that you two should go out to the bar and hit on girls and then grab his number. Call him up on the weekend and see what he is doing. He might invite you out to something or you can invite him out to a bar or club to chill.

I've considered this approach, which is basically how I pursue women (minus the reference to ex girlfriends), but haven't tried it for a variety of reasons. Perhaps I should. Also considering joining a rubgy league, as I've always wanted to play the sport and was a passable American football player.

Thank you all for the advice.

[Thor]

I myself am alittle shy but I am extremely friendly. These are what I consider inviting qualities about myself that allows me to get along with most people not all people in my life.

In my experience you dont have to be the talker to make friends and be sociable. You can always be the facilitator of the conversation. So dont worry too much about having something to say to people or that you have nothing cool to say to people. A simple question like

"So tellme whats it like living in such small town in LA"
"You were saying that the bar scene is not great around here why is that"

Simple questions will get people talking about themselves and sure enough the momentum of the conversation will slowly build where you are both sharing stuff about each other.

[Jon]

do you have lots of female friends?

[SFCM]

(06-08-2012 11:23 PM)Jon Wrote:  do you have lots of female friends?

I have 1 ex and 2 girls I've slept with as friends, a handful of distant buddies none of whom I'm close enough to spend time with.

[roark]

Have your own hobbies and interests.

For example, I am very interested in economics and attended several round table discussions at an economic think tank. Most of the people at that think tank are my friends now.

Sometimes you'll have to do it yourself. For example, I organized a certain type of philosophy club for people in my current city and we get together to discuss and study this philosophy. We're all friends and do social stuff together now. The only process was that we talked about the same interest, and therefore became friends.

It's true that you'll have a hard time meeting "the perfect male friend." A lot of your male friends will only have one commonality with you, ie, that you both practice Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and both will go to the pub to watch UFC/K-1 together. You may be interested in money, travel, social dynamics, and other stuff that most of the guys at a sport aren't interested in. But you have a much greater chance of meeting a good long term friend who you connect with at a deeper level by making situational friends first.

Also, if you are a unique person, don't be hesitant to reach out to people through the internet, even if they're rich or famous. Unique people will never find other unique people to hang out with just by meeting on the street. Arrange a face to face meeting. This year I made it a goal to meet some travel bloggers, famous investors, etc. I did meet them and spend some time with them however the nature of being a traveler is that they are not really "friends" for me unless I keep contacting them online, which I didn't. Lesson learned for this year.