Does it always feel scary before you enter a relationship?

[Martin]

I was thinking about something today, does this make any sense to you guys?

When you overcome approach anxiety, it's because of a rational choice. If you listen to your feelings, i.e. your fear or otherwise, they tell you not to approach her, when in fact rationally you KNOW it's the right thing to do.

Similarly about big career goals, you may feel afraid, or to comfortable in your rut, to take the plunge and quit your job, or ask for a pay raise, or whatever. But rationally, you know it will pay off.

Those are examples when your need to make a RATIONAL choice that goes against your EMOTIONS, or at least the part of your emotions that's holding you back - right?

So, what I'm asking you right now, do you think it can be the same for relationships?
Like, does it always feel ''scary'' before you go through with it, or does that mean you're just afraid of commitment?

What are your guys experiences?

[Mark]

Absolutely. I've had a terrible fear of commitment all my life. Every serious relationship I've gone into, I've been terrified at moments.

See the "Avoidance" types here: http://postmasculine.com/attachment-theory

[Chaos]

I have two main fears when I enter a relationship. First that it would be a waste of time (that's something personal after a 5 year relationship that looking backwards was a result of me being a complete mess and thinking that was the best I could find, even though rationally I knew we were totally incompatible) and second that I would be hurt.

Mostly the second one is a perfectly normal feeling. One of my favorites songs called "The fear you won't fall" has a quote I really like:

"Part of the beauty of falling is love with you is the fear you won't fall"

The fear of commitment for me doesn't feel like fear at all, is more of a reluctance to lose the freedom to meet chick I have right now and it's not determined by fear, just by my evaluation of how well do I connect with the girl... whenever I deeply connect with a girl I always have the fear that I fall in love and she doesn't but that's just life... I came to the conclusion that is just part of the deal... you might get hurt but you can also be happy, there's not gain without risk.

[Martin]

Thanks, yeah I did read that article, definitely recognized the avoiding strategies. Like, I haven't had a serious relationship since I broke up with my last girlfriend 3 years ago, and since when I've dated girls longer than say 2-4 months I would start acting more or less like an asshole, doing things to screw up the relationship because I dit not have the guts to just say I wasn't interested.

Now, since I know I have these behaviors, I'm still afraid of getting close to someone, because I feel like I will inevitably hurt them..like I won't be able to handle the tension, and will do something to hurt them. Last year I almost ruined several friendships when I slept with the friend of a girl I was seeing casually, even though she explicitly asked me not to.

[Martin]

I would think both ones are perfectly normal, I mean if you have a good lifestyle with great friends and are already meeting chicks casually, there's always a compromise when entering a relationship with someone else, whether it be less time to go out with friends, less ''me-time'' or whatever. And fearing that a little bit is normal, or I guess it depends on how much it affects your decision. Like, if you let a great girl go because of it, that's when it's problematic, otherwise, it's just normal.

And yeah, fear of not being on the same level emotionally, I can definitely connect with.. though, I myself, haven't really had much experience with ''deep'' love, but I think I can relate.

[Leo]

Mark Wrote:Absolutely. I've had a terrible fear of commitment all my life. Every serious relationship I've gone into, I've been terrified at moments.

See the "Avoidance" types here: http://postmasculine.com/attachment-theory

Mark, have you thought how you being avoidant affects how you teach? To be honest I've always thought you are very cold. At the same time I understand why it's so hard for me to understand the concept of neediness 'cause I'm the anxious type, I have to get the girl no matter what I have to do. I'm working on it.