Dating someone in your workplace

[Thor]

Has anyone fancied a girl that works in the same office ?. About two months ago I layed eyes on one of the interns shes a bit of a cutie. Didnt see her for months then I saw her again and weeks later I saw her again. Each time we saw each other we exchanged friendly chit chats.

The more I see her the more attractive she seems to become. I am at a point where I want to take her on a date but as the old saying goes "never shit where you eat", I just cant get her of my mind.

I have very little anxiety when it comes to asking girls out on a date outside the office but I feel alot of anxiety asking her out in case other people find out. Can anyone relate to what I am saying ?. Not sure how to handle this.

[Spikes]

I have, luckily she has a boyfriend though. I wouldn't go for her unless your not in constant contact with her at work. If you end up on a date and it goes bad it could be awkward. Also if the date doesn't go bad and you end up seeing her constantly and something along the road ends up happening and you don't see each other anymore it could also be awkward. but if your up for that, go for it.

looking at your posts I feel like people finding out about you hitting on her isn't that big of a deal, if she rejects you, your weren't being awkward so there's no story there. I feel like that only happens when you crash and burn, and even then she would probably just tell her friends.

[Jon]

Thor,

I do not recall exactly what you do for a living but I do seem to recall that you are an accomplished, mid-career professional, and we are talking about your "career" not just your "job." In such a situation, dating somebody who works with you, and particularly dating somebody who is in a subordinate position, is a risky proposition. She might not feel comfortable turning you down, she might feel awkward, and some of your co-workers might think you are exploiting your position. I know that is not what you intend to do, but it is what it might look like from the outside. My recommendation - if she is an intern, wait until the internship is over and she is not at your company anymore, then ask her out.

Note: this advice does not apply to those readers of this forum who work in fast food or retail, or who otherwise have jobs that are really a short term way to make money. By the same token, if you are somebody who works in retail or fast food, please do not advise thor to "go for it" because you have no idea what you are talking about.

[Chaos]

There's a similar saying in Spain: "donde llenes la olla no metas la polla".

There's a good reason for that, dating at work, either seriously or casually it's more complicated than usual. I've dated some girls at work with no problems at all and I would say it all boils down to managing expectations and having good and honest communication from the start. You can afford to maintain some ambivalence with girls you know elsewhere and see where it takes you but that's a really bad thing to do at work.

First of all, just ask her straight away in one of your chats: "listen, do you wanna get a drink after work". Don't worry about people finding out, they wont. Girls are usually pretty discrete. If she has close friends at work they might find out, the rest won't.

Secondly, and this is hard, if you end up making up or having sex with her you HAVE TO talk about what's expected. Just put it plainly and honestly. You have to define boundaries about who can know about it, how you'll behave at work and if you'll see each other again or this was a one time thing. It's a hard conversation to have but you must have it or things will get complicated unless you're very lucky. You don't need to define the complete relationship, things like "let's just see where this goes, we'll just keep our distance at work" it's perfectly fine... but it's important to talk about it.

Third, but I don't have direct experience with this, if you end up in a relationship and you break up things will be harder than usual, doesn't matter if its you or her who breaks it up. So you have to either be prepared for it or avoid it if you think you're not, because you'll be seeing her every day.

And finally, no matter what, it never, ever, should affect your work. You don't need to avoid each other, but it should be casual or else gossip will start.

[Tim]

To be honest... I think a couple of people in my workplace are interested in each other. They keep giving each other these little smiles, thinking me and my co-workers won't know, but it's very obvious. I hope they just get together already and get all of the ostentatious flirting out of the way.

[Chaos]

Jon has a point too, I hadn't thought about that. I've dated people who are in a lower position than I am, but never directly under my command. I would advise, as Jon does, to avoid crossing that line. And it wouldn't be a bad idea that you are a little more focused on reading her body language. Still, asking her out for a drink is NOT a big deal, it doesn't mean anything except an IOI (lol)... you can read her afterwards and see if she's feeling intimidated or really open to it.

Enthusiastic consent applies really really well to this situation.

[SeXyBaCk]

In my profession people hook up all the time. As for elsewhere... we all know it does happen right?

How old is this intern? If she's 21 it might be a problem Thor. Just because of the gossip around the office. People do find out pretty quickly once you have sex with each other regularly. Women can't keep their hands to themselves if they see you all day long. As a general rule I don't see much wrong with hooking up with people in your working environment, but personally I'd be a little bit careful in regard to your described scenario. If you're roughly in the same stage of career it's not a problem, or if you're from different fields like lawyers and bankers or something. But shagging the intern might have repercussions. Worst case you get judged by your peers, best case you just get a shady rep.

You can go for a drink though find out what her plans are if she's looking to work there long term etc but you have to judge for yourself if you can control the situation and yourself, keep a cool head and make a reasonable decision.

[Thor]

First of all thankyou everyone for your contributions to my post.

Sexyback she is 22 years old your right people might talk about it around the office. I can see lots of raised eyebrows if I do get involved with her.

Theres something about her thats so innocent the smile the way she looks at me, the way she giggles. If she does plan to move on and if I do see her might ask her out for a drink.

(06-14-2012 03:42 PM)SeXyBaCk Wrote:  In my profession people hook up all the time. As for elsewhere... we all know it does happen right?

How old is this intern? If she's 21 it might be a problem Thor. Just because of the gossip around the office. People do find out pretty quickly once you have sex with each other regularly. Women can't keep their hands to themselves if they see you all day long. As a general rule I don't see much wrong with hooking up with people in your working environment, but personally I'd be a little bit careful in regard to your described scenario. If you're roughly in the same stage of career it's not a problem, or if you're from different fields like lawyers and bankers or something. But shagging the intern might have repercussions. Worst case you get judged by your peers, best case you just get a shady rep.

You can go for a drink though find out what her plans are if she's looking to work there long term etc but you have to judge for yourself if you can control the situation and yourself, keep a cool head and make a reasonable decision.

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Its interesting because I was on the train today and accidently overheard this conversation. A girl and guy were talking the guy asked the girl how she met guys. She said the last 2 dates she had she met them at the workplace near the coffee machine

(06-12-2012 10:49 PM)Tim Wrote:  To be honest... I think a couple of people in my workplace are interested in each other. They keep giving each other these little smiles, thinking me and my co-workers won't know, but it's very obvious. I hope they just get together already and get all of the ostentatious flirting out of the way.

[Drewid]

Unless you marry the girl I can't figure out where the win scenario is here.