Casually Dating an Ex?

[Alexander]

Help me out, guys - I'm confused.

S is a girl I dated for two years. I broke up with her because I was having commitment issues. I wanted to try being with other people and didn't want to limit my sexual life in this long term relationship. We had great sex, she was super kind and supportive but something wasn't working. Maybe I wanted to play the field more, maybe I was losing attraction for her. I'm 30, by the way.

She dated another guy and broke up with him new boyfriend about a month back. He turned out to be a bit of a douche. In the meanwhile, we've remained friends.

I've been doing the sexual confidence program and I was telling her that I think she looks amazing (which I did, but didn't say that much to her before). I asked her what she's looking for at the present time, and she said, and she's being honest - she's a very honest "high-value" kind of person, she said that right now she's not looking for anything serious or exclusive. She wants time to get to know herself, maybe do some travelling, spend more time with friends. (She's 23.)

So, basically, she wants us to be "friends with benefits". The rules to this relationship that she would like is that we don't see each other more than once a week, plus she wants me to tell her when I hook up with other girls. Why? Because, if I'm going to be falling for someone and want to start something serious with someone else, she doesn't want it to sideswipe her, she wants to be ready for it so that she can process it. I can say that she's remarkably emotionally mature and is just a very intelligent and gifted person in general.

Now, all this might sound pretty great. But I do have some doubts. As I type this I'm thinking, "Yes, this is awesome, go and have a great time, give each other good lovin' and support, live and be thankful for the present."

My fear though is that I WILL meet someone with whom I want to start something serious. And then I'm afraid that this may hurt her. On the other hand, I don't know - she understands that this is a possibility. I understand that it's possible that she'll meet someone. We both know that the relationship will be non-exclusive.

What do you guys think? I bet you've come across this question before.

Hugely appreciated,

Alexander

PS She's invited me to her place for tomorrow.

[Vytas80]

It is a very delicate situation. No one on this forum knows all the ins and outs of the relationship between you and your ex and how much emotionally you were involved.
My honest advice would be - Do what YOU really want to do. There are no general rules here.

All I can say, that going for such an arrangement is a risky deal for both of you.
Your ex might get hurt, but you also may develope feelings and get hurt eventually. You also may be less motivated to open emotionaly to other women once you have stable weekly sex. Or it might be just the opposite. You may discover that all the crap from your mutual past with your ex is coming back. Or you may find out that she is the love of your life. Or you may miss the chance to meet the love of your life just because you stayed that night with your ex instead of going out.

If you give it a go, or decide to stay away, both scenarios are great learning opportunities. You decide which lesson you want to learn today.

[Alvar]

It seems that the real question is "can you handle it"? Can you deal the pressure of her eventual feelings and expectations, knowing that you must act on your own interest?

There is no way that you can hurt her if you are truthful and honest in your interaction, and you seem to really care for her. Yes, she may want to get back with you and will be disappointed when that does not happen but, if what you wrote is true, she'll respect your decision and appreciate having you in her life.

[Chaos]

Quote:My fear though is that I WILL meet someone with whom I want to start something serious. And then I'm afraid that this may hurt her. On the other hand, I don't know - she understands that this is a possibility. I understand that it's possible that she'll meet someone. We both know that the relationship will be non-exclusive.

There you have your answer. She's a grown girl, you've made sure she understand what's she's getting into and apparently she does... don't take that decision for her (and by the way she could ALSO fall in love with someone else, take that into account when you're taking your decision).

[Mark]

This actually isn't all that uncommon. Sex between exes is easy and happens quite a bit. What varies is how both people are able to handle it.

It really depends more on her specifically and whether you think she could handle it. I still slept with my ex periodically a year or two after we broke up and although things went fine, every once in a while a little drama would flare up. So just be warned.

[Alexander]

Thanks for the advice guys, deeply appreciated. The update: I went to see a play she was in, we hooked up afterwards and it was great. Really warm, and I think it energized and inspired both of us, while remaining true to all the things we discussed before. I appreciate both the warnings and the encouragement - thank you.

[baller08]

Don't do it. It's an illusion. Not worth the trouble. Go get someone new, don't get lazy and take the easy lay, in the end you'll pay with a lot more drama.

What she said or what you think she said won't mean shit later.

[Alexander]

@Baller,

Too late. Let's see.

[SeXyBaCk]

So you slept with your ex?

While it's very common and always an option, it's often an indicator for lack of other options by both parties. if you're getting regular comfortable sex somewhere, you're far less likely to go out and find another woman. At the same time the issues that led to the break up will most likely not have gone away by themselves. So yeah, there is potential for drama. Really depends on how drama-tolerant you are, or how good you are at nipping it in the bud, pushing it aside or ignoring it altogether.

Next to all of the practical stuff, there's the emotional. Whenever you hook up with an ex, particularly if it's your recent ex, you have to ask yourself have you really let go of them? You don't have to answer to us, just yourself when those questions start floating through your mind.

[Tim]

(08-20-2012 03:35 AM)Alexander Wrote:  The rules to this relationship that she would like is that we don't see each other more than once a week

This is a good idea in my opinion. Just keeping the time you see each other limited is a good way to stop getting too attached to it, which is much more of a potential issue for two people who have history.

(08-20-2012 03:35 AM)Alexander Wrote:  plus she wants me to tell her when I hook up with other girls. Why? Because, if I'm going to be falling for someone and want to start something serious with someone else, she doesn't want it to sideswipe her, she wants to be ready for it so that she can process it. I can say that she's remarkably emotionally mature and is just a very intelligent and gifted person in general.

This does show her to be quite mature and it seems like she knows what she's getting into. I think the first time you hook up with someone (if you do), will be the best test of whether this can work. You tell her honestly, and see how she handles it.

[Alexander]

Yup, I like it Tim.

Honestly guys, so far I'm loving the arrangement. I think we're both getting our kicks, as well as a certain amount of emotional goodness from each other. I'm going on a bunch of dates at the same time - let's see how it goes.

[Scott]

I've been thru this, and it doesn't generally end well. Friends w/ benefits isn't a good situation, but it's really easy to rationalize it 100 different ways when you're doing it. It's nothing more than needy behavior; you're yanking around a woman you're not that into, and you're potentially just leading her on while you wait for someone better.

In my situation, btw, I dated a girl for a few months, and about a month after it ended she started wanting to hang out. I was like "ok, that shouldn't be a problem..." but before long we were in bed again, and we decided to be FWB until "further notice." Nine months later I got sick of it and broke things off with her, but after that, every few months she would send me long emails pleading to get back together with her. But I can't even talk to her now, due to shit like that. Her friends told me she was devastated when I ended it.

So this is what you might be in for if you drag it out. Don't be selfish; consider her feelings and how being FWB might affect her. Honestly I'd stay away from her going forward, but I realize it's not that simple for you. It might be the hardest advice to hear, but it's also the best. Or at least just be friends with no benefits, if that's at all possible. And by going on dates with other women right now, you may be setting your gal pal up for some serious heartbreak.

[Abel]

Hi Alexander,
As you said she is honest so you don't have to be doubted. I think t factor is missing in your relation. Trust her and trust is one short of rust.