Blaming Myself For This Particular Rejection

[Wattamf]

I'll run you through a bit of my story with this particular girl.

We met around two weeks ago. It was at a club and we got along fairly well. She was very giggly and amazingly beautiful. The night after we met outside another club after the lock out time and went for a walk. Since then we were hanging out every second night.

The first date was great. Movies and dinner. The third was just hanging out at mine which was also great. I've had 44 sexual partners and i'm not one to treat a girl so well. It's usually just movies in my room which led to sex. It's become unsatisfying, so i decided to treat this girl a little special. The last time i saw her she slept over and we made dinner together. It was great and we were both so affectionate. We ended up having sex and it was also great. She had a lot of fun and i did too. I usually like to experiment a bit so we played around with ice and this little vibrating ring.

After reading the articles on vulnerability from this blog, i told her i had a small crush on her. She responded with, "Really?". I told her yes and she then asked why. I gave her a few reasons and she kissed me. She never really told me she had feelings back. Later that night we were sitting outside having a smoke and i was telling her about my childhood and how there were very few people i liked. She goes, "you like me but?". I didn't know how to reply and she sort of got a little sad and changed the subject. In bed i told her i liked her, just to calm her nerves sort of thing. She responded in the same way as before, not really confessing any feelings for me. Instead, telling me how she liked texting me everyday and hanging out loads.

Today she's going on holiday to Bali. I sent her a text this morning telling her that i'm going to miss her loads and that she's going to be a struggle to get off my mind. She replied with:

Quote:You know i like hanging out and stuff with you but i just want to let you know like i already told you i'm kinda happy just being on my own and want to be able to do what i like for a while... i don't know what you want and it might be nothing... but i just want to make sure i'm not leading you on.

I told her i was a little hurt that she boxed me off so early but i was cool with just continuing what we were doing. Now there's a few points i have to make.

• She got out of a year relationship a few months ago.
• She's on holiday for a week in a place known for random hook ups.
  

For some reason, i can't stop blaming myself for the failure. I find myself asking if i told her that i liked her too early? If i was too full on with the sex, even though she seemed to enjoy it? If i was too affectionate?

There seems to be a thousand more reasons to blame myself, than to find a problem with her. I mean she could just be turned off the idea of a relationship because of her ex but i know i'm going to end up the boy before the next boy she takes seriously. There's also the fact she goes on holiday, so she would want to be free. The problem is, there's only two reasons she's not right for me, while there's thousands of possible things i did wrong.

I didn't act controlling and we're both equally attractive (not being cocky, i just know it's one of my strengths). There's also the fear whenever i get close to a girl, that she will one day realise i'm not that great.

So my question is, was i in the wrong? There's so many variables that i could have altered and maybe i made the wrong decisions. Or should i accept incompatibility? Or is it her problems and not mine? I'm great at getting girls initially but i've never had a relationship for longer than three months. This also supports the thinking of it being me to blame. The fact she told me honestly and upfront shows she's a nice girl, which also helps solidify this negative belief.

So any opinions would be appreciated. Also, what's my next course of action? I could keep it going and have sex with her casually but that would be lying to myself about what i actually want? At the same time, is it not better to have her half-way than to not have her at all?

Thanks in advance.

[Tim]

Sounds like you didn't do too much wrong.

I can't say for sure, but it doesn't seem like she's looking for a relationship with you. And having said that, I don't think you should continue to sleep with her for very long if that is what you want.

What I would do is wait until she gets back, and then see her again a couple of times again just to get your head completely straight about whether you do want a relationship, because if you are sure, then you'll be able to feel strongly that it's that or nothing, and be honest with her about what you're looking for.

Then you should have a talk to her, and explain that you're looking for her to be something more than just sex. Be understanding that she might not be sure about that, and that you're willing to take things slow.

Then if she's interested take things from there, and don't feel the need to rush anything. If she's not, then you weren't compatible and that's fine. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Also, and you might want to post this in a new thread, can you give a bit more detail about those negative beliefs you mentioned? Probably a good time to start airing those out.

[Wattamf]

Thanks a heap for giving me a direction of sorts. She's still up for hanging out so this solution seems perfect. Should i cut back on the affection and not mention my feelings towards her again for a while? I'm sort of split. I have the idea that maybe if i withdraw attention/affection from her, that she may miss it enough to become appreciative and see me in a greater light.

I have a few negative beliefs. I'm reasonably attractive. My partners have mostly been really attractive as well. My friends say i'm great at talking to girls and i have a weird personality that apparently just works for me. Even with all this reassurance, good job and fitness.. i still seem to have the idea that i need to make things definite. Things need to be set in stone for me. I feel as though if i don't snap up a girl as soon as possible, she will lose interest over time or someone greater will come along. Then i begin to over think and eventually it goes terrible and i wonder why i'm even bothering because it's bound to end soon. I do have ADHD with OCD tendencies so maybe that's a contributing factor?

Clearly i have some self esteem issues. It's just so much easier to blame myself for failed interactions, rather than accept that maybe it's the other person to blame and i'm fine. If i'm fine though, why do things like this fail a fair bit? It's hard to ignore or shrug off a recurring event.

Also her texts since have seemed to decrease in size and while usually she would ask me questions, she doesn't seem to as often now since that night.

[Tim]

Well you have to tell her about it sooner or later, and waiting for too long might mean you end up avoiding doing something you know you have to do.

Like I said, just give it one or two more dates to be sure, and then you can talk to her about it with certainty in your mind about what you want. Just play it the same as you have before in that time I'd say.

On re-reading your posts I did start to think she might be more interested than I originally thought, but she might be a bit cautious about getting into a relationship right now. Whether that's because of her last relationship or something else I don't know. So you should state your intentions clearly, but you don't need to be absolutely blunt with it. If she is cautious about getting into another relationship, you want her to feel she can tell you that.


In regards to the wider picture of your general beliefs, it does seem like you might be avoiding relationships somewhat. Around what age are you? Have you had instances in the past where you started going for a relationship, or were really interested in a girl initially, but then she or you seemed to go cold on things very suddenly? I'd suggest you have a bit of a look through Mark's articles on emotional needs, avoidant-type personalities, etc. See if anything really speaks to your situation.

[Chaos]

I agree with Tim. I don't think you did anything wrong... I would suggest you try to not dwell to much into it. She's going on vacation, she says she doesn't want anything serious with you, so take her on her word and just move on with your life, whether that means meeting other girls or not.

Just stop treating her like a girlfriend and start treating her like any other casual girl you've been sleeping with (that's the hard part I'm afraid, but just do it). Then when she's back you'll be partially detox from her, if she's changed her mind she'll come looking for you, if not you can still fuck her if you're detox enough to handle it and if not, you're at least partially on the way to moving on.

[Wattamf]

(03-14-2012 09:36 AM)Tim Wrote:  Well you have to tell her about it sooner or later, and waiting for too long might mean you end up avoiding doing something you know you have to do.

Like I said, just give it one or two more dates to be sure, and then you can talk to her about it with certainty in your mind about what you want. Just play it the same as you have before in that time I'd say.

On re-reading your posts I did start to think she might be more interested than I originally thought, but she might be a bit cautious about getting into a relationship right now. Whether that's because of her last relationship or something else I don't know. So you should state your intentions clearly, but you don't need to be absolutely blunt with it. If she is cautious about getting into another relationship, you want her to feel she can tell you that.


In regards to the wider picture of your general beliefs, it does seem like you might be avoiding relationships somewhat. Around what age are you? Have you had instances in the past where you started going for a relationship, or were really interested in a girl initially, but then she or you seemed to go cold on things very suddenly? I'd suggest you have a bit of a look through Mark's articles on emotional needs, avoidant-type personalities, etc. See if anything really speaks to your situation.

Yeah and i suppose she did mention once that she likes not being controlled now that she's shed herself of her ex. Maybe it's just bad timing.

I'm currently 19. Yeah even though relationships aren't a big thing at my age, i've had a few duds. The few have treated me terribly and i went back and the others were affectionate so i was the one who lost interest. One girl shook me up though and it took me around a year to get over.

I'll take a look at them, thanks.

Quote:I agree with Tim. I don't think you did anything wrong... I would suggest you try to not dwell to much into it. She's going on vacation, she says she doesn't want anything serious with you, so take her on her word and just move on with your life, whether that means meeting other girls or not.

Just stop treating her like a girlfriend and start treating her like any other casual girl you've been sleeping with (that's the hard part I'm afraid, but just do it). Then when she's back you'll be partially detox from her, if she's changed her mind she'll come looking for you, if not you can still fuck her if you're detox enough to handle it and if not, you're at least partially on the way to moving on.

Thank you as well. Hopefully i'll be a bit more emotionally detached after a week. Well enough to figure out my next course of action. Even though Mark talks a lot about the abundance theory, it's hard to really accept it. To make it a solid belief. I have however, improved myself so i'm less controlling and a little more vulnerable which has had great results.

Reading all this makes me wonder if it has negative effects. Do i read what's on the blog and think that i'm falling short and therefore killing my self esteem? Was i trying to fix things that weren't broken, which has now made me paranoid? All this over thinking about everything is exhausting but i'm just unable to shut off my mind. I think i need to somehow realise that what i decide is what i decide and there's sometimes no better alternatives. If there is, for me to be cool with it.

Thanks guys, i appreciate the aid.

[SeXyBaCk]

Sounds to me as if this is a young successful attractive young woman who is fine with being alone and just wants to have fun. I don't see how your behaviour has anything to do with the choice of how she wants to lead her life right now. Also, I don't think you have been rejected by her. She's going on vacation and wants to have fun and whatever happens happens. She'll probably contact you when she returns. Just live your life and have fun.

[Tim]

(03-14-2012 12:13 PM)Wattamf Wrote:  [quote='Tim' pid='4970' dateline='1331717807']

I'm currently 19. Yeah even though relationships aren't a big thing at my age, i've had a few duds. The few have treated me terribly and i went back and the others were affectionate so i was the one who lost interest. One girl shook me up though and it took me around a year to get over.

Oh man you're 19? You're so fine. I had my first relationship when I was 17, and looking back it could easily have been a few more years. Some of us just find less people we're that compatible with, and that is definitely ok.

Mark says not to worry about reading and using forums to try to improve with women until you're out of college or whatever. I'd agree with that most of the time, and I'd certainly agree with it in your case.

You're still really young (it feels weird to say this, because I'm only 22), and a lot of this stuff will actually just figure itself out on its own. I was very, very neurotic and over analytical at your age, much more so than I am now. A lot of that just went away as I matured that extra bit.

What also helped me, that I think you should be doing, is just focusing on the rest of your life wholeheartedly. Build a good social life where you're spending time with people you enjoy seeing, find a couple of hobbies that you enjoy just because, and work hard on whatever work or study you've decided to dedicate yourself to for the moment. Doing that will do far more good for your ability with women and for your head than getting in deep with this kind of stuff.

And if you do come across a girl you think you might like, and you need some help navigating any issues that come up, then you can always jump on here to get some advice.

[Wattamf]

Thanks guys, that's a huge relief for me.
Appreciate the help.

[Mark]

To piggyback on what Tim said, men continue to emotionally develop and mature until they're about 25 or so. So regardless of how active you are on forums or in the community, you will continue to change and grow a lot in the next few years.

I generally recommend college age guys prioritize making friends and having awesome social circles over learning pick up. I generally recommend high school guys just avoid this stuff altogether.

[Ijustwanttolearn]

regarding what Mark said, this is pretty much true. the women will come once you have a solid social life. women in college are more fixated on status and their reputation.