Asking for 2nd date?

[CHB2]

I met a girl last night for a date (OK Cupid - yeah, I'm cool) and we connected pretty well. She stayed out a lot later than she had intended, we kissed, and we texted about some inside joke that had developed over the course of our evening. We left it at lets hang out soon.

Problem is, I don't really know a good way to ask her out again, since I have very little experience doing so. Any tips on how to approach the situation? Does it even really matter? I was just going to say "Hey, what are you up to on Friday?", but then not sure how to follow up if she busy Friday.

[Jani]

Just do it!!

Quote:then not sure how to follow up if she busy Friday.

Why would you care about something in the future when you don't take the step to make it happen?? Handle the problem when it arise!!

She's not going to like you more because you have the perfect sentence to ask her out.

What are your plans on Friday?? Going to a club as a date isn't such a good idea.

[Tim]

Nothing wrong with OKCupid if you're meeting girls you like.

Don't over think this. What would you like to do with this girl for a date? Text her saying you want to do that and then make it happen. That's all.

[CHB2]

@Jani Yeah, makes sense. I don't have any plans for Friday - I am going to the St. Patrick's day parade on Saturday, so wanted to take it relatively easy before what will inevitably be a pretty intoxicated day, and I am busy with a party on Saturday.

@Tim Yeah so far the people from OKC I have actually gone on dates with have been pretty cool. I am working on the approach program so I can get more dates from day game, but for right now I don't have a ton of time at night to go out and meet people. Sounds like a good plan - I think she is either interested or not interested, and my text won't really change that unless I ask something strange.

As context, I've had stomach flu and pretty high fever all day so I haven't been thinking straight, haha.

[SeXyBaCk]

I wouldn't even ask, just text:

I'm going to take you out to dinner on Friday. Pick a time.

[CHB2]

I just asked what she is up to on Friday and she is busy but wants to do something next week. We both early 20's, so I think dinner may be too formal/date-like for a 2nd time if we met for drinks for first date, but I think walking around a park or something will be good.

On a related note, how do you guys handle neediness in this situation? I am still very much effected by girls being flaky, and was kind of upset that I hadn't heard back until just now/concerned that she wouldn't respond at all. I know it may just be a product of my relative inexperience, and that I have more options I will be less effected by each of them, but for right now I still take it pretty personally if a girl responds.

Does it get better in time? Any strategies/ways to think about it to be less needy?

[Chaos]

You can't completely eliminate neediness, the same way you can't completely eliminate anxiety or the need for validation. The best answer is to be aware and to just handle it when it happens, not succumbing to the temptation of doing something stupid.

Neediness is kind of a funny topic. You might be the most non needy man in the face of earth, banging women left and right and feel its tentacles the moment a girl you didn't value that much shows that she's not interested in you... So every now and then everyone feels it. The only answer is stopping to think before you act... in time you learn to recognize those situations where you're too emotional to not be affected and just delay any action until you've calmed down.

On the other hand being a little insecure and actually liking the girl is not something bad nor anything to be ashamed... and yeah, somehow once your options expand you tend to be more unaffected by that kind of things, you have the knowledge (not the frame or the fake conviction, but actually the knowledge) that someone else will eventually appear... Is like when someone says there's "plenty of fish"... but actually knowing deep down to your core that that's true.

On the other hand, dinner is not such a good idea, is too formal as you say. My suggestion (what I usually do) is: find a good cocktail bar, somewhere where you'll get a special cocktail or drink that's unusual in the standard clubs, if possible with a chill-out ambient so that you can enjoy talk and a little sensation of privacy. The fancy thing is that you're not setting up a really romantic date, you want to show her that special drink that you really like and somehow it ends up being that really romantic date. Of course you know and she knows... but that's easily overlooked by both parts and the serendipity sensation is just great.

For example in my last date I took the girl to a cocktail bar to have some Gintonics with premium tonics and G'vine. It cost me 20€ for the both of us, we had a great time and she just loved it.

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By the way, because this is something that used to happen to me a lot and I know is difficult to change the mentality and to really interiorize it but the most important thing in a date (I would go as far as to say the only thing important in a date) is you. She's there to be with you and you to be with her, the place is just irrelevant.

You know how they say "don't do the day-2 in a cafe". That's true, but I've got wonderful dates in cafes. The important part is that you're enjoying each other and the conversation. Be curious, you've just met her so there're tons of things you don't know about her. Ask her, ask her about her childhood, about her experiences, about what she likes to do for fun, about what's her favorite movie, her favorite kind of music, how was her first kiss... and then listen and share your stories, don't try to impress or be something that you're not, I assure you, for the most part, she'll be impressed just by you listening to her... When I think about it I'm amazed at how could it be difficult for me when I had a date to maintain a conversation without awkward silences... there's just so much to discover about her if you just stop focusing on having sex with her

[CHB2]

Thanks for the advice Chaos! I do try to take a step back, deep breath, and wait until I relax before getting too effected by it. In this situation I realized that I had taken about 24 hours to get back to her on her last text, and it was because I was sick in bed, not because I didn't want to respond/not interested in her. So I imagine on the flip side there are hundreds of reasons why people won't get back to you.

I also try to keep in mind that until someone knows you for at least a few weeks, or perhaps more realistically a few months they aren't even really rejecting you, they are just rejecting how you presented yourself in that small period of time.

I think another part of my issue is that I really am in the mindset of trying to find a girlfriend, or at least someone who will be more than just a hook-up, so that probably effects how I am perceiving the situation.

As far as the date choice, I found a nice cocktail lounge that has drinks for $13, which isn't too bad for NYC and it should be fun/romantic without being as formal as dinner. Good suggestion.

[SeXyBaCk]

Keep yourself busy with other stuff. The way to go in general is to be too busy for women. That way if you really like one you will know by adopting your schedule to accomodate spending time with her.

You can always grab dinner after drinks if you're having fun. You're right, dinner might be too formal at a your young age. I just like eating, so it's my preferred choice of venue. Get a drink if conversation is going well after an hour or so you can say youre hungry, chances are you will be, as will she. If she has plans right after and can't do it, so be it. Call a friend.

The whole texting thing doesn't make much sense too me. I'm really bad with texting because i rarely check my phone, I look at it maybe once a week unless i hear or see it ringing or buzzing. However most other people check their phones every hour, some every 10 minutes, so I dont see much point in waiting if youre interested in someone. In this day and age it doesn't make sense for someone not seeing a message. Of course, I wouldn't wake up at night to respond to a text message or while youre otherwise busy.

I don't see there's anything wrong with being in the mindset of wanting a relationship that goes beyond casual physical intimacy. What won't help is making someone you don't know yet 'all that'.

The way I look at it, neediness is human, acting on every impulse and whim of need is weak and pretty immature. We all need stuff from others. But you need to be aware of what is reasonable considering the level of relationship.

If there's a connection you can have a day 2 in the emergency room of a hospital. it's just all overanalysing, which we all need to be cautious not to venture into.

[CHB2]

@Chaos For all my issues with women, I actually have very little trouble in conversation - I am pretty good at sharing things about myself, asking questions, etc. All of that comes pretty naturally. I knew pretty much right away after meeting that we would get along, and actually spent over an hour just talking on bench in the park, so I do get that the important thing is the interaction and not the activity. I think cocktail bar will be good opportunity to learn more about one another.

@SexyBack

Yeah that is what we did for first date - got drinks and then were both hungry so grabbed a quick bite.

On the texting, I think it may be an age or culture difference issue. I have asked numerous female friends, and they all prefer texting both with guys they have just met and ones they are in a relationship with. I know I check my phone multiple times a day/keep ringer on all the time except when I am going to bed.

I am doing my best not to get in the mindset of her being "all that" and instead think about her as someone who I think is cool and I may get along with well. It is hard to avoid overanalysing things, since it is very much my nature to do so, but I know that doing so will only make me stressed about it and it is unlikely to improve my results.


Thanks again for the input guys!