Am I just badly calibrated? / Flaking

[CHB2]

So on Friday I went on a date with a girl I met last weekend. Drinks, good conversation, then we meet up with some friends of mine at a nearby bar, and hang out until around 2am. We kiss a few times throughout night (and had kissed on day we met), but she says she is tired and asks me to walk her to the subway. Earlier that night we talked about a couple of activities to do together, including taking her to a yoga class, so we kiss goodnight and left things on the note of lets hang out soon. However, yesterday I ask what is she up to, and she is like "Not much, what about you?". I say I am heading to a bar downtown and ask if she wants to join me, to which she doesn't respond.

Now I don't necessarily need help on this specific girl. I mean I plan on texting her sometime this coming week and inviting her to do something, and if nothing I will just let it rest, but I am more asking about calibration. I had thought we were getting along well, good body language, she grabbed my hand all throughout the night, had me hold her, etc. things like that, yet didn't really respond about plans. Is a better understanding of how a girl is feeling about me something that I will learn in time, or is it probably just a matter of some girls being flaky? I know I have female platonic friends who sometimes just don't respond to texts if they are busy or whatever, so I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and be optimistic. Are there maybe things I should be doing to push the interaction?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[Peanut]

On the topic of miscalibration/unexpected results I'll share my own little story (perhaps someone wants to shed some light on it).

Basically was out with four guys (including myself) and a reasonably attractive girl. Didn't really talk much with her, was more interested in the other people around and having fun to be honest. So reasonably late one of the other guys starts dancing with her from behind a bit which she doesn't seem to mind. I gave her a few "seriously, that guy?"-looks and after a few minutes or so the situation had developed so that she was standing somewhere pointing her feet at me, the guy from previously was kind of standing next to her with his feet towards her. The other 2 dudes were also kinda standing around facing us. Naturally I turned towards her as well to dance a bit and stuff and we stood feet pointed at each other and reasonably close for at least 20 minutes with the other guy kind of just standing there.

So in theory she should have been attracted to me (I hadn't been acting "friendly" towards her in the slightest) but the next day she wasn't interested at all in going on a date with me or anything like that. So this particular example of what happened just made me give up on trying to read people and trying to be "calibrated". Unless you have years of dedicated training it is impossible to read things like this and signals can easily be misinterpreted. There could be a million reasons why she didn't want to go on a date. Maybe she doesn't find me attractive (that's what she said, cos I asked, but then again never trust what a woman says especially on text), maybe she is just too insecure and finds me too intimidating, maybe she doesn't want to date at all, maybe this that. In the end there's no way you can ever know for sure what the other person is really thinking so I stopped trying.

[Chaos]

LOL. When you think you know generally what women feel and what they are thinking some specific women will come out of nowhere to fuck up with your mind a little bit.

Nonetheless those are rare cases. There's nothing miscalibrated about what you describe, she was giving you the right signals and you were acting accordingly... still it's impossible to REALLY know what's going on inside another person head, and more to the point we don't usually keep track of our successes in calibrating girls, just of our failures. So try to think on all those times when you properly guessed how she felt or what she was thinking about you.

Sometimes you're just gonna fail... but that just standard miscommunication... it's gonna happen so you might as well accept it and don't worry about it...

[Peanut]

Chaos Wrote:Nonetheless those are rare cases. There's nothing miscalibrated about what you describe, she was giving you the right signals and you were acting accordingly.

Were you talking about one or both stories? Either way, I'm not convinced that there is such a thing as "right signals". In fact the best girl I've ever gotten with gave me no "signals" whatsoever (apart from hanging out with me/basic "compliance" obviously) before I made the closing move, now that I think about it. I hadn't realized that... yeah, no really signals are not accurate. It's like technical analysis indicators for predicting stock market prices. Kind of makes sense when you look at it from an overview but you can't really use it to predict anything (or we'd all be rich lol).

[SeXyBaCk]

Sounds like she was tired and lazy and didn't feel like coming out that time. Just send a text message saying 'come on a date with me', if she doesn't respond to that, let it be.

As for the dancing..gee, sometimes women just dance with you full well knowing they're not attracted to you,or they're physically attracted and something else is putting them off. Don't you just want to sometimes dance with a girl that's kinda hot but you can tell she's totally ditsy or superficial or something and not your type at all?

This is what I don't get about the whole pickup thing, it portrays women as these seemingly purely reactive and instinctual creatures that will do anything you want as long as you manipulate and push the right buttons. They have minds of their own ya know? And do as they please more often than not. Do stuff just for the hell of it. I highly doubt they subject their minds and bodies to where their toes might be currently pointing at.

[Peanut]

(03-06-2012 12:32 PM)SeXyBaCk Wrote:  As for the dancing..gee, sometimes women just dance with you full well knowing they're not attracted to you,or they're physically attracted and something else is putting them off. Don't you just want to sometimes dance with a girl that's kinda hot but you can tell she's totally ditsy or superficial or something and not your type at all?

That would make more sense if she didn't know me already and kept talking to me online and was disappointed that I didn't want to talk with her anymore after I figured out she wasn't attracted, hadn't been watching me the whole evening and didn't keep bugging me. Plus I'd already told her I wanted to go on a date with her so she knew I was interested in her (she said she wanted to go do something with a group first so that's what we did).

Given similar circumstances, no, I would actively seek not to dance (nor keep in touch, nor pay attention) with a girl who I felt wasn't my type even though she indicated being interested in me (this did happen). Actions like this clearly fall in the "reciprocation" category and not the "random dancing with girl" and even so she still (claimed she) doesn't like me.

If she was some random girl I barely or didn't know I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion (that these signals may not be all they're made out to be on accuracy).

[SeXyBaCk]

Sounds like she's kinda confused and not sure what she wants, but likes your attention. Sounds like you've done enough, you stated your interest and went on her proxy date thingy. So you're doing the right thing making yourself rare. If she keeps showing interest just tell her you don't take games, either go on a date or stop flirting and stick to being actual friends.