A Crave Sexual Validation From Women - Constantly. Help.

[LucidDayDream]

This is my first post on this forum, and I hope to not get flamed... and I hope to write this in a very concise fashion, but Im sorry --- I need to unload. BADLY.
I hope nothing I type in this email sounds boastful or anything like that. Because I never wish to be like that….

But all my life I have been a well-liked popular person. As a child I was kind of nerdy but always hung out with the social crowd. I was NEVER good at sports but I was always very popular.
I am quite good looking. In fact I think I look (and dress) very nice and I am 100% secure with how I look (besides being very small boned which has given me some masculinity issues.)

Christ where is this going...

So I’ve always been popular, good looking, and have dated and slept with attractive women. But in HS I went through a deep depression and then became a huge pothead and kind of lived that role for years. It made me very quiet and didn’t allow me to grow socially.
But anyway, being the stoned guy kind of allowed me to be a slight ‘rebel’ and I also loved pot. Sadly, my love for drugs escalated into opiate drugs and by age 24 I was a heroin addict. I do not need to get into details, but I was fascinated with drugs and one thing led to another, and I ended up becoming an addict. For a long while I thought that I used opiates to calm a sort of creative madness that I had… and other times I thought it was because I wanted to be the quiet cool guy… but perhaps – in the end -- I was just someone who liked to get high.

Fortunately I come from a great family and I had support and I got clean and sober and I have been clean+sober for 7 years.

Now I am pushing 32 years old. I've created some weird businesses on the internet that have given me a great income and financial freedom. I do not work a regular job. I work from home and I can travel wherever I want. I date a very gorgeous super cool Asian girl. In the summers, I drive a beautiful sports car. Many people say I’m living the dream. I am quite happy with my life….

But I struggle with women. I LOVE women. I love how they are all unique and special in their own ways. I cannot get over it. And when you get to be my age, you see that everyone is getting married and has kids and stuff. And I cannot even FATHOM that.

Its 3:48 in the morning and this isn’t coming out like I thought. But I will just keep on going….

Anyway, what I really crave in my life is validation from women. Despite having a gorgeous girlfriend, I still want to go out and get eyes from hot women. I still want to sleep with other women. (but I do not want to cheat..)
But I am terrible talking to them. Being the stoned/drunk guy throughout college in a very drug-friendly town let me to getting laid my fair share… but now I am completely sober and I feel I’ve never really learned how to conduct good conversation with a woman.

I also feel that maybe all the women I’ve slept with kind of went for me because I was kind of the different guy. NOT the alpha but the quiet sort of mysterious artist type guy. I am very introspective and deep thinking that it’s almost a handicap. I am very spaced out when it comes to conversation. And I think that every once in a while women found this attractive and went for me…

…. But this route does NOT work well when trying to have conversations with bar girls and the party types – which makes me want this type of girl more… for some reason. (Sometimes I fear these people almost see me as ‘creepy’ and I am sure some have).
On the flip side, I am often a great leader of conversation with groups I am comfortable with (usually more slightly intellectual conversation)… it just doesn’t seem to come out well with girls… especially when a friend is around and can hear me talk to them.

I guess another huge issue with myself is I do not really know how to be a man. I do not know if it’s the isolation because I work from home or what… but I really fear both men and women. I get nervous saying goodbye to the people at the gym and I am just kind of an awkward guy… but perhaps only slightly awkward… which makes it even more awkward, if that makes any sense….. I seem like I have my shit together but then there is this slight awkward vibe going… which I feel people see me as a slightly incomplete man.

I guess to summarize, I want to learn how to flirt, how to have small talk, and how to be able to be comfortable around women AND men. If I could have anything it would be to be the cool confident guy who has the slick responses and confident, cool guy body language.

But perhaps I need to realize this isn’t me….?

But beyond that -- ultimately --- if I could have anything, I would trade it all in for the obsession to sleep with women to be lifted. I know that it’s an animalistic thing engrained in the male mind, but I swear that there are many men who are not as obsessed like I am. And it’s not all about sex. I just want to be approved and liked by women.

So to summarize this long ass message, I’d love to either 1.) master the art of picking up women and get it out of my system 2.) purge my brain of this obsession, somehow, someway.

Does anyone know of any books I can read? Audio I can listen to? I prefer concise stuff that isn’t too new-age and abstract.

Thanks a ton for reading this..

-Mark, Ohio

[Alvar]

Quote:But perhaps I need to realize this isn’t me….?

Being confident and cool around women is being you as much as being awkward and nervous. Being confident is not about having cool lines, it's about knowing that you are capable to life and essentially adequate as a human being.

Your message makes it sound that you may have a bunch of stuff unresolved. The classic starter for you, I'd say, is "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You'll have to read that a few times, though.
Two other books that I'd recommend would be Mark's Models and Branden's "The six Pillars of Self Esteem". All have audio versions, btw. Listen/read them several times over time, you'll be constantly finding out new stuff and will get a better knowledge of what lies underneath your challenges. Good luck.

[Halo Effect]

The overarching theme of being self-destructive, insecure, wanting what you can't have and being unhappy with the good things you do have sounds like (very?) low self-esteem. You will never be happy with what your life looks like from the outside, however perfect it may be, if you feel you are worthless on the inside.

Reading the books Alvar recommended would be a good place to start.

Quote:If I could have anything it would be to be the cool confident guy who has the slick responses and confident, cool guy body language.

This used to be my goal and dream. As I get more experience and more confidence, my perspective is shifting and it doesn't make that much sense to have this goal anymore. It's less about trying to be what I am not and more about accepting and liking who I am. People who don't like me are not compatible with me, that has nothing to do with my worth as a person. (To an extent. A healthy amount of self-awareness and honesty is always good.) Paradoxically, not caring about being cool so much can make you "cooler". But if you truly feel secure with yourself, a girl could think you are the biggest loser ever, and you could smile and not care at all. One obvious and huge flaw in your desire is that it is entirely focused on how other people perceive you.

[LucidDayDream]

Thanks a lot guys.

I guess one thing I forgot to add to my story: I've always had a social life but in the last 3 years I've not really had many friends at all.. and I've been a very reclusive workaholic. A lot of my guy friends now live in Chicago and I only have one good guy friend here.. So perhaps my desires for female validation are not that extreme.. perhaps a lot of it is a result of having so little human interaction (because I work from home).

And Halo Effect: I honestly dont know if I have a low self esteem. I actually really love myself and I feel very connected to myself when alone and with peopel I know well. And when I get into relationships I think I come off as quite confident.. But when around others (Strangers) I certainly can be insecure and often get too 'inside my head'. So yes maybe I have low self esteem, but in some areas far more than others.

Anyway, enough about me.. I will check out these programs, thanks.

[Edmond Dantès]

Yeah, check the books. Two of the most recommended books here. They're worth every penny.

Sounds like your problem is a case for a therapist. The advices given here are good, but I think going to a therapist would be really the best for you, because your inner game problems seem really complex.