19 year old virgin, how do I deal with the mental setback?

[SeXyBaCk]

Sigh. Reesays man... you don't actually pick up on much of what people are saying to you. And for that reason I'm actually questioning if it's a sensible investment of my limited time to compose a reply to your thread. I'm willing to make an honest effort though.

Now, Zac and Baller are trying to be supportive here, Zac's trying to make you see that you've actually objectively made progress (which you have), and Baller is trying to figure out where you exactly are so he can give you some decent input. Your response is to have a right old moan about people beating you down? I'm a bit of an asshole you see, so I have no qualms in telling you you're coming across as a little whiny bitch through the screen. I think this part needs to hit home, even if it offends (you and others). Your negative attitude is unattractive, even to me as a guy. It's just ugh. You reek of negativity. You need to learn to check yourself when these ideas start flooding your mind. Instead, you are holding onto this belief that if you achieve this or that milestone, you will be free of these thoughts. That is not what is going to happen, your mind will conjure up another milestone and more reasons to be downbeat about how you won't get there. I have no experience with this issue personally, but I trust someone else on the forum can offer advice on how to undo some of the pathologic mindsets. My best guess is relaxation techniques, autogenic training and meditation will help you far more with this than reading books on motivation.

Now your obsession with race, equally, I can imagine it is driving people off. You need to come to terms with the fact that you yourself are a ideological racist. And it's damaging to you. You've heard this before from others, but you haven't let go of it. You need to make a conscious effort to reject those thoughts. If you feel an impulse in your gut while reading this to tell me about all the wrongs you've experienced at the hand of white women...spare yourself - hold up - I don't give a flying fuck. You just made out with a white girl, that's conclusive evidence that white women like 'brown dudes' (like I didn't know... I have a half indian niece and nephew). No more on this, never again. It makes me want to slap you in the face for your own good.

Thirdly, the virginity issiue. I really think you should just go online and find a cute escort, invest 300-400 bucks for the girlfriend experience thing. There is nothing magical about 'sticking it in', you won't feel any different the next day, nor will your first time feel particularly great. It'll most likely be somewhat awkward, clumsy, rushed, drunk-induced and you might feel a weird sense of shame towards the girl you did it with because you didn't have an emotional connection with her giving the significance and intimacy of the act. Alternatively, you can just contact the girl from the party and ask her out. But I'll leave that up to you to figure out. I think option 1 will make this issue go away fastest.

Lastly... I think your unresolved issues and anger towards around your parents needs dealing with, for your well being that is. You can choose to ignore the issues and try and get through life by just feeling bitter about your childhood and parents (many people do, we all have issues), but this area of your past will continue to weigh you down until you decide to deal with it head-on. Probably now isn't the time, you have enough on your plate, but maybe in 5 years time when you're more settled you should consider seeking out a professional to shed a different light on how you perceive your past.

---

I posted something but now it seems gone, maybe it'll pop up eventually. Chaos... I wouldn't even get into arguing with Ree about the different groups of white women, it's a never ending discussion.

[Halo Effect]

Reesays,

I was 20 when I got my first kiss. You know how it went? I had one single, short, drunk, awkward make out with a Spanish girl in Spain. Right afterwards, at 4 AM, I called one of my best friends who was back in my home country. I was so fucking happy. He happened to be out with my other friends. I told them what happened. They started fucking singing for me. They all celebrated with me over the phone. I smiled from ear to ear and I couldn't wipe that smile off my face for hours.

Long before that kiss, and ever since, I have tried to improved myself in various ways. I had my issues, but I always believed I could overcome them. For example, often when I uncovered a limiting belief, I would sit down with a pen and paper and write down the belief, and then take that belief apart in every way I could think of. If you challenge your beliefs, whether they're rational or irrational, your mind is going to come up with excuses. I wrote those down as well. And I would keep writing until I felt I had reached a new understanding about why my limiting belief was false and what more positive beliefs I could hold.

When someone would point out a limiting belief or bad behavior pattern, and I recognized it to be true, I would be grateful. Yes, it can hurt for a little while, but thanks to that input you have more self-awareness and you are even better equipped to overcome your issues.

If you were truly looking to improve, Reesays, you would be always on the lookout for things that can help you get where you want. You would be open to advice and appreciate anyone who comes in and gives you their perspective. Even if it goes against what you believe now - especially then - you would take it into consideration, because this person might already have all the answers you are supposedly looking for. Your impulse is now probably to think: "Yes, but..." Saying "Yes, but..." is not listening. It's not being open to advice.

What do you do? Do you come in here, say "I have this limiting belief, help me" and then gratefully apply all the advice that is given to you, and do your very best at discrediting your own self-limiting beliefs? NO! You defend your self-limiting, irrational beliefs, again and again and again. You are not even open to the idea that they may be false. You defend them, you stand by them, you IDENTIFY with your fucked up beliefs.

What every single one of your posts has in common is that they are rooted in negativity. Whatever happens to you, you view it in a negative way. Whatever is your life situation, you manage to view yourself as a victim. If you wanted to overcome your self-limiting beliefs, you would not defend them with all that you have.

The threads that you start are not you and the rest of us versus your bad beliefs. It's the rest of us versus you and your bad beliefs. Do you see what I mean?

Everything you think and say is rooted in negativity. Forget everything that you think is your problem. THAT NEGATIVITY is your problem. If you want to improve, come here humbly, with an open mind, and ask sincerely how you may improve yourself. When someone gives advice, you don't say "I agree, but...". You say: I agree. You are right. I will now take your advice and do my best to improve myself.

Don't come here to defend your negative beliefs. Come here to challenge your negative beliefs.

You may read my post and say either
1) Yes, but... and come up with a lame fucking excuse, or
2) Say that I am out to get you and that you are such a poor little victim boy, or
3) Actually start to look at your own beliefs and in stead of defending them, start challenging them.

I wonder which one it will be.


Edit: I hadn't seen Sexyback's post yet when I replied. Looks like we feel the same. It took a lot of effort on my part to keep things civil in my post.

[Chaos]

(04-18-2012 11:15 AM)Halo Effect Wrote:  Reesays,

I was 20 when I got my first kiss. You know how it went? I had one single, short, drunk, awkward make out with a Spanish girl in Spain.

As the only Spanish representative (that I know of so far) in the forum I'm bound to inform you that, conforming with the Statue of Sexual Equality Law (bound to provide a fair change about the "foreing effect") every act of sexual content or intention performed with or against (depending on the view) Spanish people is subject to the Spanish Sexual Tax. So you owe me (as rightful representative of my people) the modest quantity of #1000$# plus 10% interest per year passed since the act.

Regards.

Chaos.
Spanish Sexual Enforcement Bureau.

[Reesays]

-sigh-

to make a long story short, none of you have walked in the experiences of life I have walked in or in my shoes for a day, so just to say "oh quit being such a f*ckin whiny b*tch" is kind of redundant, asinine, and rather malicious too

in order to move forward to the future we must acknowledge the past, see what it is we had to go through, LEARN from those mistakes and move forward. So you do not make those mistakes again but in the game of life, many things are out of our control. I hardly make promises, but I promise had I been the kid who spent the past 10 years of his life in San Diego or Los Angeles, there is a minimal chance I would have been here. Reality is, I see what is in me and I know it needs to be applied.

You guys think everyone just comes up with these excuses out of their butts. Similar to those who dare say poor people are lazy.

Reality is, there is a difference between hearing of discrimination and calling someone a whiner for it, and a major difference between experiencing it.

I used to think all soccer players were soft, I really did. I thought they were WIMPS. I thought it was a women's sport. Guess what, a few months ago I put on shin guards and joined a league, believe me, it is not a p*ssy's sport.

Now I understand a lot of my beliefs though fueled by experience have been asinine, a lot of my excuses rather empty and idiotic, and TIMES I have failed to move my a** and do something about my situation. Yet, like my grades, and like with all in life I always keep improving. I always do.

My problem is, I am not getting the progress I want to get. Ya, progress is coming, but I am not getting what I wanted to get and that gets to me sometimes. It is just my nature, when I make a 92 on a test I should have made a 97 in, I get frustrated and annoyed. Thing is, I just believe with the effort I am putting in at the gym, developing myself, putting myself out there, by now I should be like some of buds who have had s3x multiple times. I accept it and realize it needs to be fixed.

[Zac]

The mother fucker about progress is that the more you make, the more there is to make, if you want to keep progressing =)

[Reesays]

(04-18-2012 11:53 PM)Zac Wrote:  The mother fucker about progress is that the more you make, the more there is to make.

I just want to clear this up for one last time, COMPLETELY offtopic but the White girls part. See, the kind of girls who are White that I have been having progress with are not "southern", a lot are temporarily here for school (and have considered transferring back because they hate it here) or are here to visit family.

The girl I met at the party, she is here for one more month and then she is OFF TO CALIFORNIA. Sad right?

Now the category of "White girls" I was talking about were the ones that DOMINATE the demographics in my classes and ones I run into a lot. The suburbanites as a lot of my friends call them. I said Hi to one, she gave me a weird face and shook her head. Told HER FRIENDS about it and guys she KNEW came up TO ME and told me to my face "you know she won't date your kind right?". I mean a simple HI got me into that many issues.

Sad right?

Eitherways, I do understand now that celebrations need to be had when progress is made, though those celebrations should be temporary.

---

to those that notice me on here less and less

I finally found three people to hang out with, joke with, talk to a lot of things about in life and spend time with now.

ALL three of them are

1. Like me, here temporarily and want to leave
2. Are trying to make the most of their time here
3. Apparently have various experiences to share

We plan on seeing the Avengers together and when SUMMER ROLLS AROUND, we plan on spending more time with each other because summer down here SUX. Like LITERALLY it sux, my campus goes empty, not a soul is seen after 1 PM. I remember my last summer here I was super miserable.

[Traindom]

Reesays, I don't know much about women and I can't really relate to you in that department for lack of experience, but I can relate to that frustration with progress.

I've had it happen with lifting and training. A year ago, I would get frustrated because I'd see little to no change in the composition of my body. I wanted immediate progress. I wanted to be gratified instantly. I knew intellectually that building the correct habits combined with consistency would prove more than fruitful. Emotionally, I was still frustrated that my body was not where I wanted it to be.

I've come to realize that progress is something that should be looked at in a bigger picture and in the long run. I know you probably know this, but I wanted to let you know I am more than familiar with that frustration. I looked everywhere but where I should have been looking.

It still gets to me to this day, but now I know that as long as I make an effort to keep the goal the goal, I will be fruitful in my endeavors.

It isn't the same issues we're frustrated, but I hope you understood that I have dealt with what you currently feel.

As long as you don't lose that will to change and actually get out there and bust consistency, I think you'll find
your way.

By the way, I've come to realize that how my body looks as of now is not the result of the workouts I did these past few weeks. It is the result of all those months of putting time in the gym. It happened during the times I thought nothing was happening. Keep on trucking, man.

[Zac]

That's really great progress man. I'm glad you have friends. Don't all get a "hate the world attitude' though and definitely stay open to adding new people to your social circle. This is a great start.

[Reesays]

(04-19-2012 12:12 AM)Zac Wrote:  That's really great progress man. I'm glad you have friends. Don't all get a "hate the world attitude' though and definitely stay open to adding new people to your social circle. This is a great start.

To add icing to the cake. Today they did this app on the iphone about celeb look alike or something. Guy who came up for me was Cristiano Ronaldo. One of my friends did it.

I was so flattered. Hope afterall!!!!!

=D =D

well okay maybe false hope but STILL, I love Cristiano!!! (no homo)


(okay semi-homo)

(srs)

(maybe srs)

[Zac]

Just keep thinking about how your entire world changed when you started playing Soccer and you will realize this world is exactly what you make of it. Always.

[Mark]

Quote:-sigh-

to make a long story short, none of you have walked in the experiences of life I have walked in or in my shoes for a day, so just to say "oh quit being such a f*ckin whiny b*tch" is kind of redundant, asinine, and rather malicious too

Nor have you walked in our shoes. For all you know, people on this board have been through shit you can't even fathom. Places so dark and lonely you'd never survive it. There is nothing so horrible in this world that justifies whining or the attitude that you've had here.

Everyone here is telling you more or less the same thing: that there is a direct correlation between your shitty attitude and the problems in your life. I'm not sure how many times we have to say it in different ways. Yeah, you've had problems in your life. But that's the past. What are you going to do NOW? How are you going to see things NOW? And no, no amount of childhood problems justifies having a shitty attitude. Many of us have had some horrible stuff happen to us, but no matter what we've been through we ALWAYS have a choice: we can either take responsibility for everything that happens in our life from this day forward, or we can continue to sit and complain about the bad things that happen to us and not do anything about it.

So yeah. Stop being a whiny bitch. Either make some clear and conscious choices of how you're going to change, RIGHT NOW. Or don't bother posting on the forum. This is a place for people who want to change their lives. And if you're not going to take responsibility for changing yours, then you have no place here.

[Reesays]

I don't get it, okay, and you don't get me. Yet other members on here do.

Thank god you aren't my professor in any college class. Who said I was sitting there and complaining? I am just pointing sh*t out. And I do take action but realize that with some PUAs and dating coaches, pleasing them is like pleasing parents with super high expectations who can't be please.

So ya call me a whiny b*tch, better that then bending over and letting everyone on here ridicule me farther more than I have been ridiculed in real life.

You of ALL people should know I have tried to change and steps towards it but again, "whiny bitch" is what comes out from you. Seriously.

No, "you can improve this and that but keep working". Just "quit being a whiny bitch and make some changes", WELL what have I been doing in trying to join a fraternity and getting a social group together!?

[baller08]

Quote: WELL what have I been doing in trying to join a fraternity and getting a social group together!?

Reesays -

Do you remember in the other thread of yours when I posted THIS....and specifically this here...

Quote:“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”


Like most guys who start on this journey, you try to short cut your way to a great Destiny. All you're focus on are your Actions.

But all of your Actions get poisoned because your Words are corrupt. Your Words are corrupt because your Thoughts are corrupt. That is why no matter what anyone tells you and no matter what little progress you've made, you always slide back to square one.

It doesn't matter what you do Reesays because your Thoughts are completely wrong. I've known many, many guys like you....and each of those guys thought they had it worse than every other guy. They were white, asian, indian, black....it doesn't matter.

If I took an indian guy who looked exactly like you and had your upbringing but not your attitudes, I guarantee you 100% that he can get with the white women that you say wouldn't date your kind.

No, Reesays...it's just they won't date YOU!

If I sent you $10,000 for moving cost and you can move and live anywhere in the US, I promise you that you won't have any more success with women.

It's not a women problem or a living environment problem, Reesays. It's just women don't want to date YOU. Your attitude is weak. You are mentally and emotionally a weak man. And if you survey every dating coach and every system in existence today, if they don't agree on much they will agree on 1 thing.....weak men like you will repel women. You are the prototype for a beta male....the actual beta male in every sense of the original meaning.

Why would a woman want to have sex or a relationship with a weak man like you who can't overcome hardships? There are so many men out there who have overcome so much more that she can look up to and respect.

Doesn't matter what Actions you take Reesays....inside you're a weak man. Till you accept that it's not your external environment that is causing your failures and you start to change your way of thinking, doesn't matter what you do or who you talk to.

[Mark]

We're hard on you Reesays because it's the only time when you seem to actually listen and implement our advice.

That's a good start. I'm glad you've already started working to improve your social life. But here are some changes that I would love to see from you. All of them can be done this minute without even getting out of your chair. You're smart enough and capable enough to do them. I know you can do them. There's nothing to learn, no trial and error.

"I choose to not let my perceptions about race influence my thoughts or actions anymore."
"I am deciding that I will no longer see myself as a victim, but as someone who has (sometimes painful) opportunities to learn and grow."
"From now on, I will not complain about my life situation or blame it but instead use that energy to improve it."

All of these are changes you can adopt in your life today. Write them down and then write more like them. Write them in your school notebooks. Put them as your desktop wallpaper. Recite them every morning. Write them here on the forum and tell guys to keep you accountable for them. Whatever you need to do to be successful, do it. If you want our support for it, we're here to help.

[SeXyBaCk]

You still haven't grasped it Reesays. You need to really take a step back, re-read the whole thread, including your own words, before posting yet more emotional diarrhea. Because that is all you just posted. No one else can do this for you. It's your thing. You returned with the conclusion of people trying to ridicule you. You've FAILED at understanding what is being said. Doesn't matter, start over.

Do you think Zac is getting you? Zac, do you know what is going on/wrong in Reesays' head? Zac is trying to be a big brother and encourage you, saying you can do it, which frankly everyone agrees with.

Hmm, let's try this metaphor: Mark's the professor and he's made his informed/educated diagnosis, You're the patient, ok? It's up to you to get better. You're not terminally ill, far from it, but you have manifest problems that need addressing. There's no reason for self pity, self loathing or any of that. If you still feel terminally ill, get lost already, this is a place of healing.

Given that you are receiving an academic education I don't think it is too much to ask of you to go away and look at this whole discussion again and try and see it in a different light. That's all you need to do now, get this.

[Reesays]

I am a prototype of a weak male? You are a prototype of a man who make assumptions about others without even fully understanding their post.

Seriously, I haven't even brought up race, maybe SOCIAL CLASS but when you live down here and try to break in to that mold you get a quick reality check. Who says I haven't been on dates, who says I haven't kissed a girl or anything, CERTAINLY NOT ME.

Over and above all, we are all an outcome of our environment, that has been proven. How can you say my attitude is sh*tty instead when I have kept my head up rejection after rejection and insult after insult?

Girl gets mad at me for even smiling at her when I pass by her in the hall and does what I pointed out (in another post), what do I do?

I did not say "all White women are just flat out evil and get mad at others", NO, my attitude is "okay, some women fall into categories you have to watch out for so approach them differently".

Would you approach a sorority girl the same way you approach an extremely academic girl? Probably not? Race doesn't mean sh*t in most cases but groups, cliques, all that, they do. What did I do? ACCEPTED that reality and made of it what I could.

---

I can promise one thing, the next thread I make will not be about me whining about say Blondes or whining about how I cannot get laid. If it is, then you can hold me accountable ON THAT.

[Zac]

Hey man, just go out and get it. You really are improving a little. If you weren't no one would be talking to you. That being said make sure you keep your ears and mind as open as possible here. Believe me when I say it's obvious to at least me a lot of people here want to help you. You've opened up and let us help you a little. Just keep doing what you are doing and try and trust us as best as possible and I'm sure you will keep progressing. In the mean time, really listen to what Mark had to say about the immediate mindset changes.

[oscarr10]

This is like exactly with my life!!!>.<

(03-19-2012 06:10 PM)Reesays Wrote:  I am a 19 year old virgin, yes, I said it, a 19 freaking year old virgin. In September or so I will turn 20, yes 20. I am literally in the last year of my teens but now, looking back at it, I really do not think that being a 19 year old virgin was entirely my fault because:

1. I went to a high school that had about 250 total kids, no sports, no nothing, just academics and it was underfunded.

2. Most girls were literally not the kind a lot of you would date, basically, violent ghetto black girls (hate to incorporate race into this but it gives you a general idea). The few I did find had boyfriends or were significantly younger than me (I was 17, a 13 year old girl was into me and even asked me if she turned 18 if I would date her).

3. I had parents who were extremely paranoid about me and sheltered me, due to the school being so small they managed to get the teachers and others to keep a "special eye" out for me.

4. Parents heavily sheltered me and rarely let me go out until my junior year.

5. Going to a college near home, was not even allowed to have my own car my first year (caused a huge fight with my parents and they did win, they always did win but now my life is completely in my hands). Had to go by my parent's schedule.

Now my life is in my own hands but somehow I always think that being a virgin at this age just means:

1. I am not a good looking or ever will be one
2. If I was a good looking or even average looking guy, some girl would have pushed me into having sex with her
3. When I do work towards that life of going to bars and such, I will not have any success at all and get played

It has even impacted my thoughts on marriage, I don't even want to get married anymore because I had such a loveless life.

Your advice? This does bother me at times when many of my friends tell me how many women they have slept with.