19 year old virgin, how do I deal with the mental setback?

[Reesays]

I am a 19 year old virgin, yes, I said it, a 19 freaking year old virgin. In September or so I will turn 20, yes 20. I am literally in the last year of my teens but now, looking back at it, I really do not think that being a 19 year old virgin was entirely my fault because:

1. I went to a high school that had about 250 total kids, no sports, no nothing, just academics and it was underfunded.

2. Most girls were literally not the kind a lot of you would date, basically, violent ghetto black girls (hate to incorporate race into this but it gives you a general idea). The few I did find had boyfriends or were significantly younger than me (I was 17, a 13 year old girl was into me and even asked me if she turned 18 if I would date her).

3. I had parents who were extremely paranoid about me and sheltered me, due to the school being so small they managed to get the teachers and others to keep a "special eye" out for me.

4. Parents heavily sheltered me and rarely let me go out until my junior year.

5. Going to a college near home, was not even allowed to have my own car my first year (caused a huge fight with my parents and they did win, they always did win but now my life is completely in my hands). Had to go by my parent's schedule.

Now my life is in my own hands but somehow I always think that being a virgin at this age just means:

1. I am not a good looking or ever will be one
2. If I was a good looking or even average looking guy, some girl would have pushed me into having sex with her
3. When I do work towards that life of going to bars and such, I will not have any success at all and get played

It has even impacted my thoughts on marriage, I don't even want to get married anymore because I had such a loveless life.

Your advice? This does bother me at times when many of my friends tell me how many women they have slept with.

[Heisenberg]

Work on yourself first:

-Get some distance between you and your parents. Become self reliant. Take responsibility for everything that happens to you and stop blaming your situation.
-Determine your current purpose, and prioritize that above everything else.
-Become aware of and work on re-polarizing your limiting beliefs.
-Get in decent shape.

Then:

-Read Models
-Get some good quality clothing that fits well
-Get a good haircut
-Start pushing your comfort zone further and further approaching girls. (maybe get Mark's approach program if you're totally clueless).


Being a virgin at your age is pretty standard. Especially if you haven't had a solid male role model growing up.
You need to determine to handle it yourself, be ready to hit setbacks and remain unphased, continue pushing forward and adjust course as necessary.

[Mark]

I've coached 32, 29, 27 and 26 year old virgins. You've got a ways to go until you're into "woe is me" territory.

And we know how much you love "woe is me" territory.

[CHB2]

Dude, 19 is no big deal. I have a few friends who lost their virginity at 23, and it was no problem. I have been with people with a variety of experience levels, and as long as you are confident enough to be honest about any insecurities things should be fine. Also, you have thousands of years of evolution behind you - you will figure it out.

Where does your idea that by now "some girl would have pushed me into having sex with her" come from?

[Mark]

My brother lost it at 25 (he'd smack me if he knew I was sharing that). He's 31 now, but he's been super happy and had a few awesome girlfriends ever since.

[seele]

I lost mine at 19, my three best friends lost it later. I don't really give fuck when someone lost his virginity. If it was ever such a problem, one would simply go to a prostitute.

[Zac]

I lost mine at 18 and thought that was pretty normal. 19 seems just as normal.

You have so much life to go man. Don't sweat it.

How many approaches have you made this week?

[Edmond Dantès]

I feel you reesays, am 20 and have the same problem. It can really fuck your mind sometimes...What is important that you get your life together first. That's one of the things Mark preached here over years and it took me about a year or so to get it really in my head and to make the changes in my life.

Get your emotional stuff handled, maximize your looks and get a life first and then care about girls.

Discovered the pua-community in 2009 and saw it as THE solution. Sucked in all the pua stuff and started approaching without taking care of my looks, my social life or my emotional baggage first and it was a huge mistake.

Let me tell you this: If you start approaching first, you've got nothing to offer, but your emotional issues, your insecurites, your shame, your limiting beliefs...

I mean just think about it, if you'll get a date, what shall you talk about if you haven't got any cool hobbies or cool stories to share with her. If you haven't got anything interesting going on in your life or awesome friends?

Topics like computer games or fitness won't get you very far.

So concentrate on the foundation first.

@Mark: Why does no one else give this advice to us guys? I mean really, what the ****, I've been in the "community" now since summer 2009 and nobody refers to this important stuff...There are so many guys who have come from the same background like me (computer nerd/addict with little social life and huge emotional bagge that discover the pua scene and gets sucked into it and still do not get the results they want as long as they stay in it, because they miss the point that they have to get their life together at first.

Dios mio...why?

[Jani]

The only person in the world that cares about that is you. Girls don't care, they love it!!
Just be 'vulnerable' about it.

[Traindom]

(03-19-2012 09:01 PM)Mark Wrote:  My brother lost it at 25 (he'd smack me if he knew I was sharing that). He's 31 now, but he's been super happy and had a few awesome girlfriends ever since.

Let's hope he doesn't ever read this thread then hah. Is he as familiar with your work as your father is?

[Zac]

Reesays I noticed you are in college. What groups and organizations do you belong to there?

[Mark]

Quote:Let's hope he doesn't ever read this thread then hah. Is he as familiar with your work as your father is?

He read my first book (and actually used it to get a girlfriend within a month). I've also taken him shopping a couple times and helped him pick out clothes. I gave him a copy of Models last year, but no idea if he's read it. He's had a girlfriend for two years now and he's very, very happy... so I'm pretty sure he doesn't read the site. Both of my parents do though.

[Peanut]

Not too long ago (maybe until the 19th century? I don't really know exactly) it was completely acceptable and very normal for a man to lose his virginity to a prostitute because of the whole no sex before marriage thing and all that. In other words, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with it, it's just that societal views changed a little.

In any case if it is such a problem for you (or anybody else for that matter) the solution is very simple. This is like complaining about being hungry while the shop is right around the corner, i.e. stupid.

[Jani]

Prostitution?! Bad way to lose your V-card.
Why? You're going to love the girl forever. That's my case, I'm not in love with her, but I still love her.
I don't have much contact with her, maybe once in 3 months, but she's like family. Whatever she might do, I would forgive her, like you do with family.

[Zac]

Why not just chill and wait for it to happen naturally. Why would you want to lose your virginity to someone that isn't attracted to you?

[Mark]

The most enjoyable and memorable part of losing your virginity are the emotions that go along with it... if you lose it to a prostitute, you strip yourself of all of that... except maybe some shame.

IMO, prostitute sex doesn't even count as sex... it's basically masturbating inside a person.

[crazyhorse]

(03-20-2012 05:46 PM)Mark Wrote:  The most enjoyable and memorable part of losing your virginity are the emotions that go along with it... if you lose it to a prostitute, you strip yourself of all of that... except maybe some shame.

IMO, prostitute sex doesn't even count as sex... it's basically masturbating inside a person.

On a porn addiction forum, I've read about a guy who's addicted to porn and who's had sex with 75 prostitutes.

You really don't wonna go down that route....

[Peanut]

(03-20-2012 05:46 PM)Mark Wrote:  The most enjoyable and memorable part of losing your virginity are the emotions that go along with it... if you lose it to a prostitute, you strip yourself of all of that... except maybe some shame.

IMO, prostitute sex doesn't even count as sex... it's basically masturbating inside a person.

I totally disagree on both parts. I don't know any guy who really enjoyed his first time on a deeply emotional level. It is a mechanical thing that has to be done and once you start developing more physical confidence then maybe emotions may develop (but for many men they never do and it stays a physical affair).

On the second point: it really depends on what kind of prostitute you are talking about. I'd imagine you're right when it comes to whores you pick up from the sidewalk for a 10-minute masturbation session. That's not what I was talking about...ew. A higher-priced escort offers all sorts of emotional and companionship type stuff as well. There are even ones that "specialize" in taking virginity if you look for it, so I bet you they will do it right and in such a way that you don't end up being in love with her for the rest of your life.

Disclaimer: I'm not speaking from experience, I've never paid for sex. I'm just repeating what I've heard from others + common sense.

[Mark]

Haha... "emotional and companionship type stuff." Just what I need, a woman who I pay to pretend she cares about me.

And I disagree with you about your virginity not being an emotional or exciting experience. I'll never forget losing my viriginity and the excitement, anxiety, elation, pride that went along with it... even if the sex physically was bad. I've met a handful of guys who went to prostitutes to lose their virginities and not a single one of them was happy with the decision. In fact, they all felt just as nervous and desperate to have sex afterward as they did before. It didn't remove the monkey off their back.

The burden of being a virgin is a mental one, not a physical one. Just because you get your dick wet doesn't mean your psychological hang ups about women wanting to have sex with you disappear, they don't.

But none of this really matters anyway, prostitutes are few and far between in the US... especially in where Reesays lives.

[Peanut]

(03-20-2012 09:56 PM)Mark Wrote:  Haha... "emotional and companionship type stuff." Just what I need, a woman who I pay to pretend she cares about me.

I am sure some are really good at it... If you were a virgin and you knew you were going to die tomorrow and you knew you couldn't find a willing girl before then, wouldn't you rather pay someone to pretend to like you and believe it rather than die alone?

Carpe diem and stuff...

(03-20-2012 09:56 PM)Mark Wrote:  The burden of being a virgin is a mental one, not a physical one. Just because you get your dick wet doesn't mean your psychological hang ups about women wanting to have sex with you disappear, they don't.

But none of this really matters anyway, prostitutes are few and far between in the US... especially in where Reesays lives.

"The burden of being a virgin"... I never experienced it as "a burden" personally. What is so burdening about it? Don't really get the big fuss everyone makes about it in the first place tbh.

(03-20-2012 09:56 PM)Mark Wrote:  But none of this really matters anyway, prostitutes are few and far between in the US... especially in where Reesays lives.

Really? They tell me all..... nvm bad joke

[Chaos]

(03-20-2012 02:39 AM)Mark Wrote:  

Quote:Let's hope he doesn't ever read this thread then hah. Is he as familiar with your work as your father is?

...so I'm pretty sure he doesn't read the site. Both of my parents do though.

LOL!! That's so much better!!! Lucky you're in Colombia, otherwise your brother will definitively kill you...

[Mark]

Haha, I'm sure they don't read the forum. My dad probably doesn't even know what a forum is.

And I'm in Brazil.

[Chaos]

(03-20-2012 11:11 PM)Mark Wrote:  And I'm in Brazil.

It was a decoy to give you some extra time before your brother finds you

[Alvar]

(03-20-2012 10:14 PM)Peanut Wrote:  I am sure some are really good at it... If you were a virgin and you knew you were going to die tomorrow and you knew you couldn't find a willing girl before then, wouldn't you rather pay someone to pretend to like you and believe it rather than die alone?

And risk your eternal spot in Heaven for a lousy shag? You'd want to die pure, no question about that.

[Mark]

(03-20-2012 11:14 PM)Chaos Wrote:  

(03-20-2012 11:11 PM)Mark Wrote:  And I'm in Brazil.

It was a decoy to give you some extra time before your brother finds you

Oh dammit... I mean, I'm in Guam.