One of the most common questions I receive involves being picky, the standards we adopt with women we try to pick up and date. There are two schools of thought in men’s dating advice: 1) if you’re inexperienced, then you should be less picky to build up as much experience and confidence as possible and then work up in sort of a ladder-rung way or 2) you should save yourself for the best and hottest girls immediately, since those are the ones you want to get with anyway.
I personally subscribe to the former and give that advice regularly. In my experience, newbies who are given the latter advice use it to find excuses to do nothing. Let’s be clear though: you should never go home with a girl who you think is NOT attractive. That’s called being desperate and pathetic. But I see a lot of guys pass up plenty of opportunities in the name of “having standards,” when I think in many cases, their “standards” are merely a defense mechanism in effort to avoid their fears — primarily their fear of rejection.
There’s a fine line between finding a girl unattractive and not being interested. The problem is guys who are inexperienced: 1) usually find most girls are attractive, and 2) have no idea what they’re interested in. I pose this questions to guys who are virgins or who have never had a girlfriend: How do you know what your type is? You don’t. You may have a vague idea, but until you experience something, ANYTHING, then you have no grounds to make these normative evaluations.
Guys will say that they aren’t really into women older than them, when they haven’t been with one. Some young guys really enjoy being with older women. Or a guy will say they aren’t into black girls. But how many black girls has he been with? Usually none.
My belief is that it’s hard to know what you want and what you prefer until you’ve experienced it in some form. I used to always think I wanted to date hot club promo girls and gogo-dancer types, and I actually found that I don’t enjoy them much. I also never thought that I was into black girls. But now that I’ve been with a few and enjoyed it, I’m open to them.
I tell guys that standards aren’t chosen, they’re earned. I refuse to date a dumb girl not because I have strong principles about intelligence, but because I’ve dated tons of stupid girls and I hated it. That standard has been earned.
But the most interesting facet of this is how it relates to looks in general. Another of the most popular questions in men’s dating advice is the so-called “How do I get 10’s?” question.
Here’s what I’ve found… You will never “get the 10’s.” You will always get 6’s, 7’s and 8’s. What will change is your perception of what a 10 is. What you deem a 10 now will eventually be what you perceive as a 7 after 30-40 lays. And what you deem a 10 then, will become a 7 after another 50 or so. Women I used to think were absolutely stunning and totally out of my league years ago, I perceive as my bread and butter today. This isn’t because my game has improved dramatically (it hasn’t). What’s changed is my self-perception, my confidence, my experience, my expectations, and my lifestyle. All have grown and matured and now I view those women who I thought were out of my league before, I view them as my equals now.
I used to see 2-3 so-called “10’s” on any given week. Now, I go months between sightings. They didn’t change; I did. As I grow, what I perceive as suitable girls dwindle, and the number of girls I perceive to be truly impressive grows smaller and smaller (for more on this effect, check out: The Abundance Paradox).
I first noticed this phenomenon a few years ago. Way back in 2006, I hooked up with this beautiful blond girl in Boston. She was a student-athlete and had a perfect body. I thought she was stunning, easily the hottest girl I had been with up until that point.
I ran into her a couple years ago and I almost didn’t believe it was the same person. She looked the same, but for some reason I remember her being a lot hotter. She just looked like another girl I’d hook up with. I wasn’t in awe of her looks at all. When I went on Facebook and looked at profiles of girls who I had hooked up with before and thought they were gorgeous, I noticed the same effect: they all looked decent; not the bomb-shells I used to think they were. This effect continues to this very day.
So to answer the “get the 10’s” question once and for all: it’s not any one major thing that you do. There isn’t one single trick or tactic that magically ups the quality of girls you get. It’s not as simple as “get a six-pack” or “win the lottery.” It’s a gradual, long-term process. And the saddest part is that even when you get those girls you used to fantasize about, you won’t perceive them to be 10’s anymore. By its very definition, a 10 is someone who is idealized, perfected, and out-of-your-league. There’s no way to bridge that gap except to become what you perceive as a 10 yourself… which after you achieve it, will become a 7 again.
Most guys think of game as bridging the gap to make themselves into 10’s, when really all that changes is your perception of where you are in relation to her. Your standards shift, and your behavior and game then follow.
But how do those standards shift? By experience… pure experience. I’ve never known or heard of a guy who gets ultra hot girls who 1) hasn’t been with ugly and mediocre girls in the past and 2) didn’t slowly eke his way up the standards ladder through sheer experience over time. It’s a slow, multi-year process, inch-by-inch, climbing like rungs in a ladder. Then one day, that vaguely idealized runway model you used to dream about during lonely nights, is there when you wake up, but not in all of her idealized beauty from your fantasies, but with acne scars, a bad tattoo, asymmetrical eyebrows, and plaintive emotional instabilities that all seem to painfully stick out to you, creating a gnawing sense of being cheated in some unknowable way, and masking what’s really there… she is just yet-another 7 snoring next to you as you lie awake in bed, fantasizing about that swimsuit model you saw in New York last summer…