Here’s something that I’ve used in my coaching in the past, but it wasn’t until a friend of mine mentioned something similar on Facebook that it really crystallized for me. It’s the idea that action isn’t just the effect of motivation, but also the cause of it.
Most people operate in that they only commit to action if they feel a certain level of motivation. And they only feel motivation when they feel an emotional inspiration. People only become motivated to study for the exam when they’re afraid of the consequences. People pick up and learn that instrument when they feel inspired by the people you can play for.
And we’ve all slacked off for lack of motivation before. Especially in times where we shouldn’t. We feel lethargic and apathetic towards a certain goal that we’ve set for ourselves because we lack the motivation and we lack the motivation because we don’t feel any overarching emotional desire to accomplish something.
But there’s a problem with operating under this framework. And that is that often the changes and actions we most need in our lives, are negatively inspired by the very emotions we’re trying to fix. For instance, a man who is horribly insecure around women is going to struggle with the motivation to change himself and put himself out there because the very problem which requires action to fix (becoming secure around women) creates emotions (fear, anxiety, hurt) that are likely inspire him to NOT take the proper action.
Or if someone wants to fix their relationship with their mother. The emotions of the situation (hurt, resentment, avoidance) completely go against the necessary action to fix it (confrontation, honesty, communication). Or if someone wants to lose weight but experiences massive amounts of shame about their body, then the act of going to the gym is apt to inspire in them the exact emotions that kept them at home on the couch in the first place.
Past traumas, negative expectations, and feelings of guilt, shame and fear often motivate us away from the actions necessary to overcome those very traumas, negative expectations, and negative emotions. It’s a Catch-22 of sorts.
But the thing about the motivation chain is that it’s not only a three-part chain, but an endless loop:
Your actions create further emotional reactions and inspirations and move on to motivate your future actions. Taking advantage of this knowledge, we can actually re-orient our mindset in the following way:
The conclusion is that if you lack the motivation to make an important change in your life, then do something, anything really, and then harness the reaction to that action as a way to begin motivating yourself.
I call this the “Do Something” Principle. And I developed it on accident over the course of many nights out coaching guys who were otherwise immobilized by fears, rationalizations and apathy. It began out of simple pragmatism: you paid me to be here, so you might as well do something. I don’t care, do anything!
What I found is that often once they did something, even the smallest of actions: such as chatting with the bartender for a moment, or asking someone for the time, or even walking to the dance floor and dancing alone for a minute, it would soon give them the inspiration and motivation to do something else. They had sent a signal to myself, “OK, I did that, I guess I can do more.” And slowly we could take it from there.
Over the years, I’ve noticed the “Do Something” Principle in my own life as well. The most obvious example is running this website and my business ventures online. I work for myself. I don’t have a boss telling me what to do and not to do. I also have to often take major calculated risks in which I’m personally invested, both financially and emotionally (spending months writing a book, re-branding my entire website, ceasing promotions of my past products, etc.). It’s been nerve-wracking at times, and major feelings of doubt and uncertainty arise. And when no one is around to push you, sitting around and watching TV reruns all day can quickly become a more appealing option. The first couple years I worked for myself, entire weeks would go by without accomplishing much for no other reason than I was anxious and stressed about what I had to do, and it was too easy to put it off.
I quickly learned that forcing myself to do something, even the most menial of tasks, quickly made the larger tasks seem much easier. If I had to redesign an entire website, then I’d force myself to sit down and would say, “OK, I’ll just design the header right now.” But after the header was done, I’d find myself moving on to other parts of it. And before I knew it, I’d be energized and engaged in the project.
I also use this regularly in my own love life these days. It’s very easy for me to get sidetracked and busy with work or other activities and go a while without meeting any new women. I’ll find myself putting off going out weekend after weekend, and pretty soon it’s been over a month without spending any quality time with a lady friend. Before, I’d put a lot of pressure on myself. I’d chastise myself for “slipping” and tell myself that I needed to go out and approach 20 women or whatever to compensate for holing myself up for the past month. But this just put unnecessary and unpleasant expectations on what should be an enjoyable activity: going out with friends and meeting women. It added pressure, and objectified the entire process, which in turn led to negative inspiration in achieving my goal. So as you can imagine, I wasn’t as likely to go out; or if I did, it wasn’t particularly satisfying.
These days, I just remind myself to go out. I know if I get out, then the rest will eventually take care of itself. Because I’ve discovered once I’ve gone out, one of two things happen: I approach a few women and get energized and excited about the experience; or I chicken out of approaching a few women and I get so annoyed that it inspires me to go approach a few women.
Inevitably, the appropriate action occurs at some point or another. The motivation is natural. The inspiration is genuine. It’s an overall far more pleasant way of accomplishing my goals.
You may recognize this concept among other self-help writings in different guises. I’ve seen it mentioned in terms such as “failing forward” or “ready, fire, aim.” But no matter how you frame it to yourself, it’s an extremely useful mindset and habit to adopt.
The more time goes on, the more I realize that success in anything is tied less to knowledge or talent, and tied more to action supplemented by knowledge and talent. You can become successful at something without knowing what you’re doing. You can become successful at something without having much particular talent at it. But you can never become successful at anything without taking action. Ever.
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This hit a chord
You have hit the nail on the head, Mark, especially about approaching a certain number of women. However, does this also include approaching women you probably do not find that attractive just for the sake of taking action? I have noticed that I feel much more motivated and energized approaching women I really want to approach. These sets seem to go best for me.
If your goal is to get out and meet women, then it’s better to approach women you don’t find attractive than to sit at home by yourself. Of course your sets go better with women you’re attracted to. But that’s kind of besides the point. That point is that doing anything is better than doing nothing.
I am reminded of a quote that I read in Getting Things Done by David Allen, though it was apparently first said by O.H. Mowrer
It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking, than it is to think yourself into a new way of acting.
Part of the challenge is pushing past the initial discomfort and unfamiliarity of the “new way of acting”, but assuming you do this, the “new way of thinking” is sure to follow.
I never thought about it that way.
I’ve noticed when I go to clean something, I start by intending just to vacuum downstairs or whatever, and I’ll get into a mode and wind up vacuuming and dusting everything in the house.
Man. This will be a very powerful idea to be aware of. So grateful for this site!
I really like this post. I’ve kind of been thinking about this idea a lot, and I think inertia is one of the things holding men of our generation back. That may sound like an odd thing to say, but one of the things you mentioned in the post struck me, when you talked about being overwhelmed in you business and not knowing where to start. I think a lot of men (and woman) get paralyzed in their personal and professional lives. In the world we live in, there are a lot more opportunities, but there are also a lot of forces pulling us in multiple directions, and our natural defence mechanism seems to be to freeze. And once these wheels stop turning, it’s hard to get them started again. This post is great, because it shows how just doing something trivial is often enough to get things going.
wow so short and so enlightening i can clearly see the patterns now first i wanted to hit the gym because of the emotional inspiration of being worked out now i just force me to go the gym and after working out i wonder why it takes so much effort going but when im there im so motivated. The more i do the more i can see my paradigma changes
short and sweet – but really meaningful and true
Look at it as a negotiation between your ambition and you emotion. In every negotiation, as long as the buyer has some desire for what the seller has, there is price (i.e. everyone has their price).
Find out at what price you’ll take action. The only rule is to do something instead of nothing. As long as there is something instead of nothing, you can make progress and whether or not, it inspires motivation as this article describes, you can take that tiny step regularly and improve over time. Under these terms no one has any excuse to not take action because you can infinitely reduce the challenge of any activity. Afraid to approach women? Approach men, call a friend to talk about it, get a job that forces you to be social, go to a bar and just sit there. As long as it’s a new step, it’s something rather than nothing and you have no excuse.
We’ll have to get into the psychology with this Mark (processing fluency, goal orientations, regulatory focus, avoidance vs. approach motivation, and self-assessment vs. self-enhancement).
Who is this smart friend of yours on facebook?
Kidding. But, well-put, especially this:
The more time goes on, the more I realize that success in anything is tied less to knowledge or talent, and tied more to action supplemented by knowledge and talent.
And just the process of starting with something small, however mundane it might be. You put yourself in motion. That makes the difference.