One of the most common issues men deal with in their relationships is jealousy. You’re particularly going to have this problem you’re going to date dating multiple women. So what happens as soon as one of our girls is seeing another guy? How do we act?

Well, a lot of guys, particularly less experienced guys, get pissed off and jealous.

Jealousy in and of itself is a pretty useless emotion if you think about it. It accomplishes little, and unless the girl (or girlfriend) explicitly stated that she isn’t seeing anyone else or won’t be physically intimate with anybody else, it’s a pretty unfounded emotion (unless she’s lying, which is a completely different topic).

Why do we experience jealousy? Jealousy is borne out of both insecurity and a scarcity mentality. It’s an unconscious reaction and fear triggered by the idea that if she is seeing some other guy, then she will no longer see you.

But if you actually think about it, this is kind of a pointless perspective. Think about it; if you’re capable of seeing 3-4 girls at a time and your interactions with woman B doesn’t affect your relationship with woman A when you’re with her, then why should her interaction with Guy B affect her relationship with you? If you’re not physically present and she’s not literally picking him over you in a zero-sum scenario, how does her kissing him or whatever affect what you have with her at all? It doesn’t.

The truth is, jealous isn’t the correct word in these situations. You don’t own any woman, so how can you be jealous of another guy having the same experience with her as you? It’s like imagine if there was a public car that you drove once a week. If another guy drives it while you’re gone, do you get jealous of that? No, because you have no ownership, you have no right to keep that car. You also have no “ownership” or rights in a relationship unless the girl explicitly gives them to you.

The emotion that we experience is actually one of fear — fear of loss and fear of being inferior.

Beliefs to fight jealousy. Over the years, I’ve developed a lot of beliefs about jealousy and being insecure around women. I’ve never been that jealous of a boyfriend. With my first serious long-term girlfriend, every guy’s worst nightmare came true: she left me for another guy after only knowing him for a brief period of time.

That experience really forced me to confront and live through the fears that jealousy induces, and it also gave me perspective on all of my relationships going forward. These days, I experience little to no jealousy. I think it’s frivolous. Life’s short. I’m young. The girls I date are young. Do what you want.

Also, if I’m seriously involved with a woman, I completely and utterly believe that if she leaves me for another guy, it’s for the better. First off, any woman who’s capable of breaching trust to that degree is one I don’t want to be with in the long-term, and second of all, I probably wasn’t satisfying her in a way that the new guy can, and therefore I’m not compatible with her in the long-term either. And that’s fine.

To be honest, most of the women who I get seriously involved in, if a guy could steal her away from me, I’d want to meet him, because he must be doing something incredible that I could learn from.

And finally, here’s some food for thought: if you’re committed to someone and in love with them, doesn’t the whole notion of unconditional love imply loving every part of someone? So if the woman you’re dating is sexually attracted to another man (which is natural and common), wouldn’t loving her unconditionally involve accepting and honoring that sexual desire for someone else within her?

I’m a bit of an emotional libertarian, but I’ve noticed as the years have gone on, the less and less jealous I am, the more secure and happy I am in the relationships I have. And ironically, the women I’m with feel fewer and fewer impulses to spend time with other guys or sleep with them… not that it would be a big deal if they did. But it comes back to the reality that if you constantly focus on what you most fear, it will come true.

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7 Responses to Dealing With Jealousy

  1. Adonis says:

    I’ve always viewed relationships as kind of an “open contract”. As long as you were both getting exactly what you desired from the other person, you would always naturally return to each other…even after an interim where someone else seemed to provide something you couldn’t at the time. If you provide value for each other you will naturally come back.

    And I think this model of a relationship is far more “romantic” (god, even using that word kinda makes me sick, but it was the first one that came to mind) because you are with each other not because you have a piece of paper or a ring on your finger that says you will….not because you have promised each other you will…but because you truly want to do so for your own reasons.

  2. Johnny says:

    Hey Entropy, I remember seeing Atlas Shrugged on your book list awhile back. Have you read “Anthem” as well? It’s a prototype for what eventually became Atlas Shrugged but I think one thing she expresses there more clearly than in AS is the desire for 2 partners to put an exclusive claim on the other, to fully and mutually possess the other.

    What are your thoughts on that desire to possess?

  3. Entropy says:

    I have read “Anthem” although it was a long time ago (in high school sometime).

    I definitely agree with the idea of partners wanting to “possess” one another, and it doesn’t gel with me at all. Again, I’m kind of an emotional libertarian in that sense. My girlfriend owes me NOTHING, and vice-versa. Neither of us are morally obligated to the other in any special way. Relationships should be more about honoring each other and each other’s desires, drives, dreams, etc.

  4. onesoul says:

    Dead on.. as always! Preach it brotha!

  5. Erika says:

    There’s a big difference between “possession” and having accountability/trust within the context of emotional libertarianism or polyamory. Jealousy is an emotion I don’t feel very often anymore, and I especially no longer experience any dislike of other women. It doesn’t really matter to me how many other women a man I’m with loves. I love women, too, and I can feel love for them through him and with him. It does matter to me a great deal though to have accountability and trust and follow-through — those things are the very foundation of a relationship.

  6. Melissa says:

    I actually absolutely love my own partner sooo much and as a result he is really so ideal for myself. I completely love all the things dealing with him. The only problem though, is he is friends with far too many females and I don’t like realizing that he’s talking to several girls as an alternative for myself. I hate being jealous. I’m trying to just ignore the jealousy but I can’t. Please help me out. Thanks.

  7. Slirron says:

    Great article! I never was the jealous type and I’m not starting now. 😉

    About Ayn Rand. She was nuts and probably a narcissist (at least self absorbed to the max). Wouldn’t read too much into her views on relationships. Nomatter how good they may seem at first.

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