Most male-directed pick up and dating advice glosses over the concepts of compatibility and chemistry, assuming most people having an intuitive grasp on what they are and why they’re important. When you have chemistry with someone, you just feel it. When you’re dating a girl you’re not compatible with, it’s obvious — like biting into a piece of spoiled fruit, the discomfort is impossible to ignore.
Compatibility and chemistry are mostly ignored by male dating advice because they’re things that can’t be faked or changed. Instead, we spend most of our time studying self-improvement, presentation, and the technical mastery of social minutiae, all in an attempt to excel at the sales job of our potential sexual services as men. Male dating advice is designed to get that girl who we feel is out of our league. The girl we’ve never had before. And if that girl who’s out of our league is actually not compatible with us, well, we don’t really want to hear about it.
Not that this is a bad thing… you CAN learn to get that girl who you think is out of your league, but there’s no guarantee that she’ll make you happier in the long-run. Don’t get me wrong. Sleeping with a stripper is kind of cool. Dating one… uh, no thanks.
Compatibility and chemistry, although not the same thing, are often used interchangeably. They’re words people use loosely to define an ephemera which exists in the space between two people; the unspeakable and unseen connection, or lack thereof. But they’re different and their difference is important to understand.
Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two people. A priest and a stripper have a major incompatibility and I doubt many end up dating each other. That’s compatibility. Put simply, if I value women who are intelligent and educated and I meet a high school drop-out who values guys who have big muscles and like to hunt deer, then we have a fundamental incompatibility that will probably never be overcome.
Compatibility usually corresponds to the long-term potential between two people. High compatibility between people comes from SIMILARITIES in their lifestyles and values. Educated and liberal people usually date other educated and liberal people. Hedonists usually date other hedonists. Insane religious nuts usually date other insane religious nuts. For no other reason than people of opposite moral values, quite literally, repel each other. And sometimes violently.
Chemistry on the other hand, represents the emotional connection present when you’re with each other. Two people who have a high degree of chemistry have emotional make-ups and personalities that bring out warm-fuzzy emotions in the other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop through which they continue to make each other feel better and better. When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they monopolize your thoughts and/or your free-time. You’ll stay up talking until the sun comes up and not even feel like an hour went by. You’ll hope that every call or text is her. And it will be. You’ll walk through life constantly wondering, “What would she think about X?” where X is a song, a bird, a walk through the park, a traffic jam, or a tenuous visit to the dentist.
Call it passion. Call it love. Call it sickness. The basic traits of your/her personality and your/her slightest behaviors ravage each others’ dopamine receptors in a neurological orgy of starry-eyed dreaminess. When you’re together — which simultaneously seems like all the time and not enough — it’s dominated by whispers of sweet nothings, liberal usages of the ‘L’ word, and a disgusting level of cuddling that nauseates all persons within a 20 foot radius.
Specific examples of what creates strong chemistry are harder to peg. It may be the way a girl laughs at your jokes, the questions she asks you about your day, the way you hold her in bed, or how you help her move into her new apartment. Chemistry is made up of subtle behaviors and dispositions that positively correspond with the other person. It’s a closed karmic loop. Chemistry is felt immediately and by both parties equally. The most important rule about chemistry is that whatever you’re feeling, she is most likely feeling it too; you almost become empaths for one another.
The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.” He was only half-joking. High levels of chemistry usually come from OPPOSITE yet COMPLEMENTARY qualities in people. A girl who is high-strung, energetic and slightly neurotic will have a high degree of chemistry with a guy who is relaxed, mellow and open. Introverts usually have natural chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and intense planners often work best with people who are spontaneous and unorganized.
Unlike compatibility, a lack of chemistry doesn’t repel one another. A lack of chemistry simply results in a lack of emotional connection. Things just feel kind of dead and bored when you hang out together.
Chemistry is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high-degree of chemistry will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness.
If you want to look at it from the classical point of view of value and value-exchange, compatibility is a state of value-exchange through shared and similar interests (two lawyers dating each other; two Mexican immigrants dating each other, etc.) and mutual moral values/worldview (same religion, same beliefs about children, etc.). Meanwhile, chemistry is an exchange of emotional value.
Compatibility and chemistry don’t necessarily always occur together. A relationship with high compatibility but little chemistry is likely to be a boring yet convenient series of meetings and conversations, dry and dull until both parties simply stop caring and drift apart, or they consummate their mutual convenience by getting married and promise themselves a lifetime of simple and asexual companionship. Sadly, this arrangement isn’t uncommon.
Chemistry without compatibility on the other hand, usually leads to disaster. Sometimes it can be as simple as not living in the same part of the world. But usually it’s far more complicated than that. It’s when it FEELS so right, when you know it’s so wrong. It’s the girl who you know is bad for you but you can’t stop seeing her. Your behavior becomes completely irrational. Your thoughts distort. And soon, you and your fellow torture-victim-of-choice initiate a perpetual cycle of mutual emotional-immolation, both spiraling through love/hate cycles together at the speed of life. You suddenly find yourself spitting out phrases such as, “I don’t care if she’s married to a felon, we’re MEANT to be together,” or “Look, I know she faked being pregnant to get me to propose to her, but you know, it may just be fate, right?” while your friends all stare at you, jaws agape, unsure whether to risk backlash by trying to snap you out of it, or to feign support while you continue to spin helpless and deluded in your tornado of love, wrecking your own life in the most unsubtle of ways.
High levels of chemistry with major incompatibilities is bad news. REALLY bad news. These relationships usually begin quickly and passionately, exploding like a flaming geyser, which then extinguishes just as quickly as it began. Logic kicks in. Reality makes itself known. And you suddenly realize how fucking offensive you find each other at times. They’re traps. And getting out is easier said than done. Your heart says yes, but your head says no. And then you convince your head to say yes, which in turn makes your heart say no. Which makes your head say, “Wait, what the fuck?” So your decision-making falls back to your penis — because this girl is so fucking hot, after all — even though you know your penis rarely makes wise decisions, which leads to bloody satin sheets, embarrassing public arguments, unpaid drink tabs, thrown iPods, changed locks, passive-aggressive threats, unanswered phone calls, tear-ridden voicemails, and the sterile interior of a clinic, or if you’re lucky, the famous oh-god-please-don’t-give-me-a-false-positive-you-piece-of-shit-$9.99-pregnancy-test-from-7/11 experience, which is guaranteed to challenge any man’s sanity. And then there you are (wherever you go, as they say), and you find yourself jobless with two one-way tickets to Bermuda that were never used, six stitches, slashed car tires and a shattered cell phone. But at least that fucking cunt is gone (even though you still kinda miss her).
It’s vicious, yet thrilling. And will never let you forget that we are, after all, animals.
Navigating the dating territory of life with confidence requires that you understand these concepts. If you want to ultimately end up spending your time with amazing women that you enjoy — and I don’t just mean enjoy fucking (that should be a given), but I mean really, truly, enjoy — then it’s important you get a cognitive handle on these emotional indicators. The most important aspect is understanding what you want — what makes a girl compatible to YOU, what personality traits have chemistry with YOU? The first question I ask every guy I work with is “What do you want?” It’s crucial you know. You need to know what you like and what you want in women. If you don’t, then you need to cautiously gain enough experience until you do know.
I’ve found over the years that I’m incapable of dating girls who aren’t incredibly smart. I can make it 2-3 dates with a woman of average intelligence or less and that’s usually solely by merit of drowning my face in alcohol until I become incapable of listening to her any longer. It becomes insipid and dull, and I refuse to be an insipid or dull person. Since a long-term relationship with these types of women would necessitate I take up alcoholism as a hobby, we inevitably part ways. I also don’t work well with girls who are particularly religious or who have socially conservative values (I shouldn’t have to explain this one). I need a girl who likes to travel. And who cares about politics. These are important things to me. I’ll still sleep with women who aren’t compatible with me, but I know better than to try and date them.
I’ve learned that I have chemistry with women who are driven and ambitious. Their personalities work with mine in a unique, yet comfortable way (for both of us). It’s probably because I organize my life around working as little as I possibly can and so we become good influences on each other. I also “click” with women who appreciate a dark, sarcastic wit and are very giving and caring. I regularly find myself seeing teachers, nurses, social workers, volunteer workers, etc. multiple times and sometimes having a serious relationship with them.
These are the women who work for me. What type of women work for you?
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Wow, you can’t describe better. One of the most important article in my opinion on this site.
One can not wonder why the fucking song of Rihanna et Eminem got so much praise (besides the hype”.
Great article man.
Thats one thing I have always felt; no matter what your style is, your looks, your tactics, etc, you click(have chemistry) with some girls, and some you don’t. I don’t focus too much on pua tactics, more just living my life, enjoying myself, as I know when the right girl comes along for dating, you can sense it. One valid emotional connection is worth way more then lots of sex but no connection imo.
With all this being said; surely the more confident, attractive, intuitive, experienced, open we are; the more we can click with people and have chemistry? Im not sure.
My experience is that having proper chemistry with a girl is fairly rare. I’ve had only had a few, and its really a blessing. You meet someone you finally click with – and if the circumstances/compatibility is there – you are really are on cloud 9 and it makes all the bullshit, rejections, meaningless sexual hook-ups etc worth it.
Thats just my two cents. I live for chemistry. Its an intuitive thing.
Love this article. Nice to see the passionate, batshit crazy funny Mark after a period of serious (but equally useful) articles. I’m curious as to what influences/muses you had that helped you formulate these ideas, other than your own experiences?
Hey, stay away from my turf, don’t you come over here. That’s exactly the type of girl I date.
Now I see why I really like your blog. It’s like it was written by me, on my inspired days
Love the article.
Mark,
Something I personally believe and feel that you left out is that you said that “chemistry” is an emotional connection. I may be slightly anal for doing this but…
I feel that chemistry is actually more of a mental connection preceded by a physical connection. However, before one (man or woman) would even want to suggest the idea that the person they are talking to could be a potential romantic partner, they have to find that partner at some level physically attractive.
While men are self aware of their own need for physical attraction, women seem to often deny this aspect, maybe at an unconscious level. they would look at at the tall, well build, square jawed model looking guy and in their heightened arousal state rationalize through their physical instinctual attraction that it is “chemistry”.
My point is, at least for chemistry, I feel that a physical connection must be needed, if not at least initially for men AND women to say that there is a chemistry, whatever it is.
This would help account for our smell or odor which helps us find people that contrast our genetics more attractive.
As for the mental aspect of chemistry, I still haven’t figured that one out completely yet.
But, you are writing about a very important concept that many in the community refuse to accept, or believe, most often by the people who are marketers.
Micheal all I can say from my experience is that your analysing too much. Chemistry is, as entropy said ‘unspeakable’ and ‘unseen’. Its not something you can artificially create, or always intellectually understand.
Although I do concede that there are logical reasons for why your likely to have chemistry with certian girls more than others.
For me love and dating is great BECAUSE of the unknowing element of it. I think too many PUA’s want scientific sure fire ways to get a women. But the real beauty is the mystery and chance of it all. imo.
I disagree. I’ve had amazing chemistry with women who I didn’t totally find physically attractive at first. What happens is the chemistry makes them BECOME physically attractive in your eyes. There is a cut-off though, I suppose. Either way, I don’t think physical looks are nearly as important as say, psychological disposition.
Hence the statements you see around this blog such as, “I’d rather have a 7 with a Ph.D than a 10 with a lobotomy.”
Awesome, awesome article, Mark! That’s another concept I haven’t heard anywhere else and which I know instinctively must be absolutely true (my life experience tells me). Besides, it’s written really well (eg nice rhythm of language and funny too).
Have you developed this concept completely by yourself or did you read its basics somewhere else?
The more I learn in life, the more I have to wonder why we were only learning stupid shit at school. We learned about Sinus and rhombuses, about the reactions of hydrogen and in detail about how our ears are built. But nobody ever told us about right nutrition and sleep, about the mental states necessary to achieve big goals and about concepts for life like this one. Dale Carnegie should be mandatory for second grade (or whatever).
When I look around, very, very often I see people with high compatibility and low to medium chemistry marrying. You have to be careful, because for the most part you can’t look inside people, but I find myself thinking again and again: “Oh my god, how much better could they be off had they only searched for a little longer!” Of course, the real nightmare will probably only come to them 10 or 20 years after that… I understand they find each other bearable, but with 7 billion people in the world(and some of them even living in your city), why not go for the full score?
I’m attracted by similiar women as you (80% correlation – with creativity being a big point too) and wondering whether to say “It’s only possible for me to date highly intelligent women” means kissing your own ass (you have to do it behind your back…) while telling yourself what a smart boy you are? There are different types of intelligence and I wouldn’t be surprised if Einstein had run into some difficulties with do-it-yourself home improvement. Anyways, sometimes it’s obvious how a girl is built…
When I say intelligence, for me it’s more a curiosity and an ability to grasp ideas. I’m the type of person that my mind is always going 100 miles an hour, and if a girl can’t at least listen to my thought vomit and have some vague idea what I’m talking about, then it just doesn’t work. Yeah, I may be kissing my own ass… but I’m not going to kid myself, I’m really fucking smart, and unless she is too, I’m not as happy.
The concepts have been fleshed out over the years based on my own experience.
Tim: To answer your question, nothing in particular “set me off.” The passion in the writing is derived from my own experiences and those of close friends. I just kind of felt myself get on a roll, so I went with it.
I understand what Dr. Feelgood means, I think. If you feel like you’re really fucking smart (I do too), there are certain situations in which it is prudent to keep those opinions of yourself…well…to yourself. (Allow myself to introduce…myself. Anyone?). Sometimes it can be tricky to keep the situations where it’s best to be a little on the shy side separate, on an emotional level, from the situations where you should just be yourself. For example, work vs. personal life.
This article is fucking awesome. So much perspective.
Great article. How often do you meet women who you have great chemistry with? How do you not feel scarcity mentality when they are so rare?
“Great chemistry,” I’d say 1-2 per year. The great thing about women you have great chemistry with is that you naturally vibe off each other so well, that you don’t really have to worry about losing her or acting needy. Sure, they make you a bit more nervous than the average girl, but you KNOW that chemistry is there and that you’ll always get along, so it actually gives you more confidence in a way…
I hope that made sense.
Is chemistry being attracted to certain personality? Let’s say me, I’m a natural introvert and i have a strong attraction for extremely outgoing ditzy girls. But the thing is, why would extroverted girls be attracted to someone introverted?
Hi Mark–I just found your site. That was an insightful and well-written article. Let me share a little about myself in the hopes that you can give me some advice.
I’m 22, and in the last four years, I’ve gone on dates with dozens of women who I met at my uni, or, since I graduated, on a dating site. Almost all of them dumped me after a few dates, telling me that we have no chemistry. I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than a couple months. “whispers of sweet nothings” is not something that I naturally do. Neither is flirting or touching. When I do these things, it feels forced.
I’m a scientist, and science is the main thing that occupies my mind. When I’m with my male friends, we debate and share ideas, and we play cards and sports. I don’t know how to interact with women affectionately, and I don’t see how I’m going to learn.
Dude, SICK article! And entertaining as hell to boot!
Great article my friend !
HMM I always found to be mega attracted to goth and emo girls ( myself being no where next to looking such as a goth and so on),while I basically look casual, suave and artistic…
So does this have to do anything with the compatibility issue or should I just ignore this and walk away?
Hi Mark –
I came across this article while looking for some direction in my current situation. I know this is one of your older posts, but if you have the time, I would appreciate your reply.
First let me say that I think the points you make are spot on. Thinking of both the chemestry and compatibility aspects of relationships really helped me make sense of things. My current experience is different from most of the replies in that in my current relationship (2 years) we have complete chemestry. Talking, intimicy, etc…is all amazing. Our compatibility on the other hand is conflicting in a few key areas. From an overall life perspective, we share consensus…we have similar dreams & values. However we are completely different in terms of dealing wtih conflict and responsibility. This culminates in semi-frequent no win arguments that blow up into painful episodes. On the flip side of this, we share a deep connection, and the times that are good are amazing.
The part I am struggling with now is…to quote your article…”My heart says yes, but my head says no.” When I sit down by myself and think about it from a logical perspective, I tell myself it can’t last. But then when I try and come to terms with it, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. So my real questions are, how do you accurately weight the pros and cons? How do you make the distiction between being able to say – “We are truly incompatable”, or “I am expecting too much and should just be happy”