It seems the Chronic Texter Syndrome is becoming more and more common among American girls today. It’s always been kind of a nuisance in the past, but I’ve been noticing it the last year among more girls than ever before. After successfully picking up two girls on both Thursday night and last night who were literally glued to their goddamn iPhones the entire time I talked to them, I felt particularly inspired to write a post about it.
First, the biggest mistake you can make as a guy is to assume that she’s texting because she doesn’t care or doesn’t like you. Three or four years ago, a girl pulling out her phone and texting in front of you usually meant she wasn’t interested. But for the most recent generations, conversing with people is naturally done sitting behind a SmartPhone, so don’t take it personally. Both of the girls from the last two nights were into me (laid the first one) and both were literally on their phones almost non-stop from the moment I approached them until the end of the night. So lesson one: as usual, it’s NOT about you. Chances are she’s like this with everyone, so don’t get insecure about it.
As far as I can tell, there’s not really a way you can get a girl to completely stop texting around you without being a total dick, or without being on a legitimate date with her (and even then some of them still do it). So get the idea out of your head that you’re going to get her to stop, because chances are it probably won’t happen. Don’t lecture her on it being rude (something I used to do), don’t try to guilt trip her into stopping. Again, as with anything, just be unaffected and go on with whatever you’re doing.
And one thing that I’ve realized over the last year is that having her text constantly really isn’t such a bad thing. It’s fairly innocuous and the only bad thing that can happen is that whoever or whatever she’s texting becomes more interesting than you. So as long as you remain more interesting than whoever she’s texting with, then you’re fine.
Also, the second biggest mistake you can make in these scenarios is to try and figure out who she’s talking to. There is no time when this comes off as anything but insecure and needy. Don’t ask. Don’t joke, “Oh, is that your boyfriend?” Don’t do anything like that. If she was texting with her boyfriend non-stop, you’d know because she wouldn’t be flirting with you. As long as she’s still flirting with you, and is showing interest, then you should be fine.
So, we now know: don’t try and get her to stop; don’t try and find out who she’s talking to. Now what are some fun things we CAN do to alleviate the sheer obnoxiousness of the Chronic Texter?
Glad you asked, I’ve come up with a few fun things to do which are pretty money:
- If she has a touch-screen phone, reach over and just randomly start hitting her screen to fuck up her typing. It’s fun, it’s funny, and it fits perfectly under the umbrella of “flirting that worked when we were eight-years-old still works” theory. If you’re lucky, you’ll completely disrupt her train of thought and get her attention back on you.
- Compliment her on how good of a texter she is. Seriously act like you’re stunned by how many texts she can send in such a short period of time. Ask her if she studied in school to be so good at texting. Make it sound like a real accomplishment. Make jokes about how your thumbs are too fat and how she should give you some lessons on how to text better. Bonus points if the girl’s so dumb she doesn’t realize you’re being sarcastic. Trust me, it happens.
- If you have her number, pull out your phone and start texting her while you’re talking to her. You can have a LOT of fun with this one. Send her a text like, “Hey, stop looking at your phone, I’m talking to you,” or “OMG, who’s that awesome guy talking to you right now?”
- This one’s hard to swing, but if you’ve got a really good rapport going on and she’s really into you, you may be able to pull it off depending on who she’s texting. Grab her phone and tell her that you’re going to help her out and text for her. If she’s texting with one of her friends (male or female), you can often get away with this. If she’s texting her sister or her ex-boyfriend or something, then she’ll freak out and grab the phone back. If you can get the phone and do it, then the possibilities are really endless. Start fucking with her friend together. You’re now using her texting people as a way to bring you two together, which can be fun.
Unfortunately, the Chronic Texter Syndrome seems to be becoming more and more common among western women, particularly the younger generations. I notice that just about every girl 23 and under has it to some degree these days. It seems to be here to stay (or getting worse), and therefore must be accepted and dealt with. It’s not the worst thing in the world; it’s just kind of rude and annoying. So we step our game up a bit in response. Be more aggressive, be more engaging, tease her harder. In an age where people are constantly distracted, it only means that we have to be that much more engaging and interesting.
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Bleuch. Sometimes I hate my generation. Although I can definitely imagine this happening, luckily it hasn’t happened to me yet. I screen for girls who would do things like that, but if one ever slips through then I’m just going to get up and walk. To me it seems as disrespectful thing as you can do to anyone, and I wouldn’t stand that disrespect to get laid. With your southern boy background I’d have thought you’d be the same Mark?
Strangely enough, here in Texas the girls seem to do it even more often. I used to call girls on it constantly and about a year ago it stopped working.
Yeah, it’s rude. But again, like anything, it’s something you just can’t take personally. Once you realize that they do it to EVERYBODY — their friends, their family — you just go with it.
It seems to have to do less with politeness or sophistication and more to do with age and concern with social status. I’ve noticed in places where girls are very concerned with their social standing, they’re texting constantly now.
I’ve also observed that people will sometimes start texting their friends or playing with their phone to cover up the fact that they’re feeling socially awkward.
Like if they’re in a conversation, and they’re feeling shy, or like they don’t know what to say, they can take out their phone to take some of the pressure of them, or to distract themselves, or to try and look like they’ve got things going on.
Absolutely. I think the girls do it because they feel awkward or insecure and they hide behind it.
Back in the old days a girl on a date would go to the toilet to text or phone her friend to let her know how shes getting on. These days they do it right there and then as it’s become so socially acceptable.
In an ideal world we would just do what Emily Blunt did to Matt Damon’s phone in the Adjustment Bureau!
I side with Tim on this one. Why should a guy have to go through this just to get a shag? I think it’s rude. Over here in Prague I also think you’d be better off politely calling her on it.
If I go out on a date with a girl, and she is on her phone constantly, to me it indicates rudeness, and I don’t think the fact that lots of people do it these days make it more acceptable.
Well perhaps others do, but surely the person in question would have enough awareness to realise that spending half your time texting someone sends a signal that your not particulary bothered or engaged with what the other person is saying.
Either way, I probably wouldn’t tell her to stop – but it would influence my decision to see her again.
If im with a girl/someone that Im having a proper conversation with, I wont even answer phone calls sometimes.
I agree, I don’t think I could date a Chronic Texter. I also think it may be something that younger girls grow out of as they get older, more mature, and become less self-centered.
great post Mark. I just dealt with this yesterday so this is prescient – when I noticed her CTS active even after I hooked up w/ her, I started to let it affect me a little bit less. On the flip side when she puts away/starts ignoring her phone, it’s a huge indication that she’s digging you. This is a bit skeezy, but when she’s not looking I’ll often mute or turn down the volume on her phone. The only other way to deal with it is to incept her while she’s sleeping.
The other question I have is how you then distinguish between whether or not she is using that as a sign of disinterest. When you say that she was doing that when talking to you, what are you seeing. Is she just staring at the cell and not at you or is it her talking to you and taking a quick second to text?
I know because when she is talking to me, she’s flirting with me and into me. The point I guess is, just assume the texting is neutral. But to be honest the answer is irrelevant. If she doesn’t like you then she’s just going to leave anyway, so you might as well assume she likes you and go with it.
Ah, Mark, it’s not just the States these days. This happens to me in Beijing, too. Girls will be texting all night, and even taking phone calls, right up until they’re in bed with me (sometimes while they’re in bed, as well).
I’ll get a, “Shhh!” before they answer their phones, because they don’t want their friends or families or boyfriends to hear the American dude talking to them in the background.
Doesn’t bother me any, though. I’m perfectly fine amusing myself while they finish up with their texting and talking. They have their own lives; I just view myself as playing the role of “secret lover,” and all is right with the world.
Chase
My dilemma when faced with CTS or any other rude behavior is to know what I am willing to put up with and if I am paying too high a price in terms of self regard. I think I am pretty tolerant but I struggle with knowing where that line is. I think of it as though I am a visitor in a foreign country – they have their own customs and when I am the foreigner I try to be open to their ways.
I used to stretch my boundaries with hot girls (while “gaming” in order to appear natural) in a “ends justify the means” bargain with myself. Girls I didn’t really respect but felt huge lust towards, for example. Whether excuse making or not, I now try to avoid them.
I note Mark’s first-mistake-is-to-take-it-personally statement. But I still struggle with that line. How much is too much?
Note that my fellow poster below is “h”-less
hey man,
I had this twice now, also both times with girls under 25. It completely backfired on me the first time when I called her on it.
The second time, she was texting with a friend in supersonic mode and I took out my own cell phone.
Shot her a message stating: ” Flash: hot guy in front of you. Quick, make a move ! ”
As she was so absorbed in her flash typing, she didnt even notice that the message came from me and not from her friend. She texted the friend back: “yeah, how do you know ?” Anyways: total confusion on both sides and a burst of laugher once she understood. She completely stopped texting after.
If you cant beat ‘em, join ‘em.
greetz
nic
Great post.
About 5 years ago I was set up on a blind date with an attractive girl. We were having drinks and wings at a bar when she got a call on her cell and she took it. Ten minutes later I had finished my wings and she was still on the phone. I tossed down enough money to cover my half of the tab, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, “I’m not having any fun. I’ll see you later,” and walked out. She chased after me, but I split. She called several times to apologize and beg me to give her another chance, but I didn’t.
Texting drives me crazy, and as a frequent traveler, I observe lots of people, and guys especially don’t realize how stupid they look focused on their phone. But I also understand the psychology of why texting is so popular: internally people interpret receiving a text as receiving an unexpected gift (even when they know the text is coming). It’s Pavlov’s dogs all over again.