Jack is a 40-something insurance exec. Jack hates his job. And although he would never openly admit it, he loathes his wife of 22 years, Holly. They haven’t had sex more than a few times in the last three years and have been emotionally estranged far longer than that. Jack takes out his mid-life frustrations on his insurance underlings each day. He subjects them to monotonous staff-meetings that drag on forever and expects individual briefings from employees that are mundane to the point of lobotomizing a person. The culture of fear he’s bred in his division grants him the only sense of empowerment he regularly feels anymore.
Jay is the hottest DJ in the city. He’s booked three to four nights a week and has traveled all over the Eastern seaboard doing shows. He’s partied with B-list celebrities and could suffer an aneurysm trying to recall every girl he’s slept with. He loves to surf. He’s always tan and his tattooed biceps practically tear through his tight shirts. Jay isn’t so much confident in the club scene as much as he has an emotional vice-grip on it. He owns it. He traverses Sinful Wednesdays at Hype and Sexy Lyfe Thursdays at Passion with a worldly and super-hip ennui cultivated across thousands of hedonistic nights and hundreds of VIP tables. It’s his playground. Everyone knows him and everyone loves him. Naturally, women flock to him. The shorter the skirts the quicker.
Marissa is Jay’s girlfriend of one year. She’s arguably one of the hottest club regulars in Jay’s town. She used to model part-time, and still picks up a go-go dancing gig now and again, especially if Jay is spinning. She lavishes Jay with attention and praise and is always the first one on the dance floor and last one off during his sets. She secretly brags to other girls about him and lets him fuck her anywhere and any time he wants… which is often… and usually doesn’t last very long.
Ben is a construction worker. With only a high school education, he makes up for his lack of intelligence with his charming smile and heart of gold. He works summers for a company which builds swimming pools. Women are always attracted to his strong, stoic persona, although he rarely pursues them, they pursue him. He’s had girlfriends, but they come and go as they please, Ben remaining mostly indifferent.
In June, Jack and Holly hire Ben’s crew to construct a swimming pool behind their home. Holly conspicuously comes out on the deck and watches the men work during the day, particularly Ben. She gives the men trite rationalizations for her presence, you know, bland statements that involve phrases like “monitoring your progress” and “keeping an eye on things.” But it doesn’t take Freud to see something simmering beneath the surface. An aura of tension surrounds her. And there’s a faint scent of a caged sexuality crying to be let out, a woman who obviously hasn’t been fucked in years. She sips a drink that looks like lemonade as she watches. By noon her breath smells of vodka and she stumbles.
When Ben fucks Holly, it’s mostly to impress the other men on his construction crew — an act he purposely does about once a summer. It provides enough storytelling and banter among the boys to help get them through the hottest three months of the year. Acceptance from the guys has always been important to Ben, far more important than the haggard house wives he lets seduce him. A week later, Holly concocts an excuse for Ben to come into her bedroom again. But Ben has already lost interest and can’t get it hard. Instead he spends an hour holding Holly and listening to her sob about how she doesn’t love her husband anymore. He reassures her and counsels her the best he can, which is not very well. When he returns to the crew, he still tells them that he fucked her. They laugh and joke and smile. Ben smiles too. But he smiles only because they smile.
Marissa has a day job as Jack’s secretary. She isn’t very good at her job and Jack is uninhibited when he chastises her on her basic bureaucratic failures. Although she only admits it to herself late at night when Jay’s out playing a gig, she sometimes wishes he would yell at her more and with more force. She fantasizes about Jack getting so mad at her one day that he bends her over her desk and spanks her for fucking up the TPS reports. Sometimes she wants to purposely mess up the TPS reports so that Jack will yell at her more, maybe even call her into his office to do it alone. There’s something in his angry authority that turns her on. When she keeps notes of his meetings, she savors the way he talks down to the other men in the room — grown men, with degrees and houses and BMW’s. Though he’s old and has a gut and is balding, there’s a fire inside him that she’s seen in few men in her life. Months later she will find an excuse to stay late on a Thursday and Jack will fuck her on his desk. It will be the most exciting moment Jack will have had in the last 10 years. Then on the way home, he’ll cry.
Jay will never find out about Marissa fucking her boss. But if he ever found it, it would in a way relieve him. He’s been talking to his high school sweetheart, Jane, every afternoon on the phone for months now. He feels guilty about it viz. Marissa. He misses Jane and thinks about her constantly. Always has. He tells her this. But Jane’s married to Steve now… a US marine fighting in Iraq. Steve is deeply religious and saved his virginity until he married Jane. Jay tries to convince Jane to see him again, but she refuses. She’s religious as well and would never betray Steve’s trust in her, especially while he’s in Iraq. And even though she misses Jay a little bit, she really only savors his daily phone calls for the attention and affection she’s been missing since Steve’s been away. Later, after Steve returns home from duty, Jane will stop picking up Jay’s phone calls.
Question: Out of the four men described above, which one is the most Alpha? Are none of them Alpha? All of them?
This is not a simple question to answer… I would argue that the intertwined lives above are realistic portrayals of men and women in our society. Strong men and women, and also weak men and women… people that some would point to and call successful, if they didn’t know the secrets each harbored.
I want to talk about reality today… not the idealism or avatar that most of us conjure up in dating advice: you know, the steroidal sunglasses-clad broski, with brass balls and ice cold blood, macking on chicks left and right, because he simply DGAF (Doesn’t Give A Fuck). Forget that guy a minute, and let’s focus on realism. Which of the men above is most Alpha to you? None of them? All of them?
You could argue it’s Jack for banging his super hot secretary. But Jack is miserable, is chained to an unhappy marriage with a wife he hates and who is cheating on him as well. He’s a miserable man whose only thrill in life is inspiring fear throughout his tiny insurance fiefdom.
You could argue it’s Jay, the player, the bad ass DJ. He’s got the party lifestyle and the super hot girlfriend. But his girlfriend is cheating on him, chasing a “fire” that he doesn’t have anymore, probably because it’s still with the high school sweetheart he can’t stop calling. His unrequited love has affected most of his adult life, and his only real inspiration for the dozens of women he slept with was to seek reprieve from the quiet torture of what he’s afraid he’ll never get back.
You could argue it’s Ben. He’s a stud. Girls pick him up, and he still doesn’t give a shit. He bangs disgruntled housewives for laughs and his co-workers revere him as a hero for it. But he seems more interested in the guys’ approval than any particular woman’s. He’s fixated on positive male attention. He may even be gay and not know it.
Or is it Steve? He’s loved one woman his entire life, and he has her 100% love and dedication, despite the fact that Jane is pursued by a former lover who is extremely attractive in his own right.
So I ask again, who is the Alpha Male out of the men above? There’s a strong argument for all of them and none of them. Which, to be honest, is how real life usually pans out.
In the last year, I estimate that at least half of my major disagreements and arguments with men on the subject of attractiveness — on this site, on forums, in person — have been incited by what I see as the blind worship of the The Alpha Male ideal. Over the course of this (extra long) article, I aim to accomplish three points: 1) explain what the term Alpha Male actually means and how it became horribly misappropriated and butchered by the Pick Up Artist (PUA) community and men’s dating advice (MDA) niche at large; 2) analyze the current PUA/MDA interpretations of The Alpha Male and show that they’re not only inaccurate, but actually counter-productive for men in the long-run; and finally 3) offer an alternative theory on Alphaness that avoids the disadvantageous generalizing, stereotyping, alienating (and all sorts of other disgusting -ings) traits of The Alpha Male’s emotional baggage. Hopefully you won’t fall asleep on your keyboard or drool on yourself between now and then.
Now, I realize the concept of Being Alpha is not only intellectually celebrated by just about every guy who’s improved with women in PUA/MDA, but most of said guys also have deep personal and emotional attachments to Alphaness and its effect on their own lives. I expect their reaction to be vitriolic. As a result, I will be more thorough and conscientious in this article than most. My goal is that those who begin this article as multi-year Alpha Male devotees will come out the other end converted. It won’t be easy. But hear me out…
The Definition of ‘Alpha’
The term “Alpha Male,” as it pertains to human socio-sexual dynamics, originates in anthropology/primatology, primarily in gorillas, but to a lesser extent in other apes such as bonobos and chimpanzees. The (much-simplified) idea is thus: there exists a semi-formal male hierarchy within primate cultures based on strength/fitness/power. The strongest/fittest/most-powerful is the “Alpha” and then you have second-place, third-place and so on. The lower apes on the hierarchy are “Betas.” The hierarchy functions rather simply: whoever you’re above on the hierarchy, you can tell them what to do, what to eat and what to fuck. Whoever is above you on the hierarchy tells you what to do, what to eat and who to fuck. The Alpha tells everyone what to do, what to eat and who to fuck. The lowest Beta tells no one.
The way this plays out sexually is that the Alpha literally has almost all of the sex and the lower Beta apes have none. If a Beta tries to step out of place and fuck/eat/do something he’s not allowed to, the penalty is often death.
The utilities and parallels to human sexuality on a macro-level are obvious and not entirely useful, but regardless PUA/MDA theory quickly picked up on them. The focal point was the idea that the more dominant/powerful/strong you are as a man, the higher on the male hierarchy you’ll place yourself, the more female sexual options you’ll procure, the easier life becomes. Exact definitions of what constitutes Alphaness and Betaness were ignored in favor of a broad/vague prescription of the typical “be confident; take charge; don’t let anyone fuck with you, bro” tripe that usually passes for advice on forums. The Alpha Male theory ended up just being a yet-another remix of the classic Be Confident Bro theory, except now with some sort of connection to evolutionary biology.
You may disagree with me, but I challenge you to define what “Being Alpha” really means within the PUA/MDA framework. From what I can tell, it amounts to some vague combination of being confident + assert yourself over others + lead and make decisions + social proof + a splash of testosterone for good measure. Implied somewhere in there is communicating effectively and being persuasive (after all, if you’re leading and no one follows, that’s not very Alpha). But as you can see, there are no definitive Alpha traits one can point to. It’s a nebulous concept. Kind of a one-size-fits-all prescription for any guy anywhere who is being a pussy, bitching out and/or not acting too manly at the moment.
As a result, Alphaness was one of those things that was always better understood in PUA/MDA parlance when demonstrated or shown by example, rather than explained or analyzed. Just so we’re clear, here are some classic PUA/MDA examples of Being Alpha: convincing a bouncer to let you into the club for free by sheer tenacity and charm; approaching a girl who is with a guy and intimidating/ignoring the guy until he leaves you alone with her; asserting yourself into an alien social setting and successfully taking advantage of free beverages/munchies/sexual-opportunities/couches-to-sleep-on as a result; finagling your way into getting girls/guys who don’t even know you to do favors for you and/or give you things for free; excessive high-fiving; and wearing sunglasses in a dark room and hence implying you DGAF (Don’t Give A Fuck) as girls wet their panties; I could go on, but you get the idea.
Now, understanding that most guys involved in the whole PUA/MDA shebang come from backgrounds of passivity, emasculation, ridicule, and limitless potato chips/computer games, we may be able to sympathize… a little. For these neophytes, the above activities give a helluva adrenaline/testosterone/endorphin cocktail when accomplished. Conning your way into a club for free, inching your way into a VIP table owned by someone you don’t know, stealing their drinks, then intimidating some poor girl’s boyfriend into letting you talk to her all night all can be labeled as “Life Changing” for a guy who just spent the last eight years in Mom’s basement. When the neophyte’s previous lifetime achievement involved a Lvl. 50 Warlock on the Aestimus Craekus server, doing the actions described above can make him truly feel like a man for the first time.
Unfortunately, it also makes him an Overcompensating Dick.
But being an Overcompensating Dick aside, all-in-all the neophyte’s newfound Alphaness is a beneficial transformation. It’s an important process for one to go through: from being the stepped-on to being the stepper, from being the push-over to being the pusher, from being the intimidated to the intimidator. I get that. I was there too. As a man who spent the first 22 years of his life rolling over for others to walk over him, it was nice to know I could piss people off and the world would go on. The neophyte, for the first time in his life, is expressing his masculinity, and releasing years or decades worth angst from being sidelined and inconsequential.
But what typically happens next is the neophyte’s new-found success from Being Alpha begins to cement the Alpha worldview into his mind as what defines success and failure. It makes sense, after a lifetime of being Beta and failing repeatedly, it wasn’t until he became Alpha that he ever experienced success. Therefore, the idea that Being Alpha = Success seems wholly logical. A devotee is born.
The neophyte concludes that all male behavior can be divided into two camps: Alpha and Beta. Alpha behavior gets you laid, gets you power, wins over loyalty and camaraderie. It makes you loved and feared. It attracts those around you. And it gets you what you desire. Beta behavior, on the other hand, repels people. It is weakness personified. It’s any behavior that subverts your own will to the will of others, especially women. It may make you many friends, but only friends who use you and take advantage of you. If you’re nodding your head while reading this paragraph: good, keep reading.
The Alpha worldview also dictates that women’s behavior is determined by the Alphas and Betas around them. Women will become attracted to Alphas, sometimes even against their will or better judgment. Women will walk over Betas and use them for attention, money or just an ego boost. If a woman is dating a Beta, she will cheat on him with an Alpha. Women end up settling for Betas because true Alphas never settle down, they just keep fucking more girls. She’ll settle down with her Beta provider until some strapping young Alpha comes strolling by, who she’ll then uncontrollably bang, and if she gets caught she’ll divorce the Beta and take all of his money with her. Or something. And of course, the “higher value” (translation: better-looking) the girl, the more likely this is all to take place. Only fatties actually enjoy Betas.
Admittedly, this worldview serves the neophyte well in the beginning. For many guys who have been pussy-whipped and pathetic, socially anxious and neurotic their whole lives, it’s exactly what they need to hear to get the ball rolling. It helps them own their masculinity, to assert themselves and stand up for themselves, to draw strong boundaries in their relationships and demand what they want for once. And it works. This is why Alpha Male theory has been handed down from man to man in the PUA/MDA scene for almost a decade. It’s why it’s revered — an integral part of the very fiber of current men’s dating advice.
The problem is that Alpha Male theory, while beneficial in the short-run in helping guys take action, does not reflect actual reality. It’s a means to an end. But once that end is met, once the neophyte gains that confidence and self-assurance and asserts himself, the Alpha Male ideal is not only inaccurate but can become harmful.
When Good Ideas Go Bad
The first problem with the Alpha worldview is that it creates a binary proposition; all men and behavior can be viewed in black-and-white terms. If the opening story showed you anything, hopefully it showed you that most male behavior CANNOT be analyzed in a simple “He’s Alpha” or “He’s Beta” behavior. Human behavior and motivations are more complex than that. Our intentions are inextricably linked to our emotions, some of which are totally irrational or even self-destructive. Unlike Gorillas and Hippos and Baboons, we’re really complicated creatures. Our hierarchy is not in plain view, and is often not there at all. For instance, is cheating on the mother of your children with your super hot secretary Being Alpha? Is sleeping with 100 hot girls because you’re still not over your ex Being Alpha? Is barging into some guy’s birthday party and stealing his booze Being Alpha?
No, it’s being an Overcompensating Dick.
Everything described above requires confidence, power, persuasiveness, and all of the things mentioned previously. But they’re all actions borne out of deep insecurities, moral faults and anxieties. Our society is more complicated than a Gorilla’s. We have things called trust, empathy, fairness, ethics, emotional attachment, sacrifice and love. Pure sexual gratification is only a small piece of our biological pie.
As a general guideline, it’s useful to be able to point at a guy who’s being a pussy and not standing up for himself and call him Beta. But beyond that, the dichotomy breaks down. And it breaks down horribly.
The Alpha/Beta worldview leads to misogynistic thinking as well, since female behavior is interpreted not through their own thoughts and feelings, but through their reactions to the Alphas/Betas around them. The idea is that women are indelibly attracted and drawn to Alpha’s and repelled by Beta’s, regardless of circumstance, situation, personality, conscience, morals, or preferences. This is simply not true at all.
Just as a man can Be Alpha at his insurance job and be a total Beta socially, a woman may value men with professional Alpha traits more than social Alpha traits. Some women want an intellectual giant but a physical teddy bear. Others have unique psychological profiles that may attract them specifically to musicians with long hair and wrist tattoos, or to guys in skinny jeans and horn-rimmed glasses, or transsexuals pre-hormone treatment, or to 50-year-old men who resemble their father who died in a car accident.
Emotionally speaking, women may be the most complicated creatures on the entire planet. To claim their motivations exist solely to chase some ephemeral notion of The Alpha sells them (and us) way short. It leads to a dark and narrow and lonely purview of human sexuality. It’s a sad place to be.
If you don’t believe me, scientific research has shown that women’s attraction to men with high testosterone (the ultimate indicator of Alphaness) not only changes with age, locations, and situation, but it even changes within their menstruation cycle. If science has shown us one thing, it’s that the desires and attractions of women are, believe it or not, even more complicated than we originally thought.
But the Alpha worldview pigeonholes women into two simple, robotic drives: pursue the Alpha, use the Beta. This is fantasy. A role that’s purely an extension of the guy’s Alpha/Beta fixation in himself, a broken record playing inside his own mind. And not to mention it gives women little to no credit to both their nuanced preferences, as well as their ability to act on their own free will. When I see a man judging female behavior in these terms, my first reaction is always to think: this guy has spent way too much time chasing the wrong kinds of women.
And finally, perceiving the world in these terms sabotages real relationships and strong emotional connections. If the definition of Being Alpha is somewhere in the vicinity of holding your personal drives above others, and the definition of an emotional connection with a woman is to empathize with her and literally see and feel the world through her eyes, then we have a major conflict of interest. The two are mutually exclusive. Genuine emotional connection, by definition, requires one to experience and relate to the drives, motivations and will of a woman. This is simply impossible if you’re enmeshed in a self-serving and social-bulldozing mindset.
And once you begin to date a girl you really like, other issues begin to crop up: i.e., commitment, sacrifice, compromise, boundaries, etc. These are anathema to the classic PUA/MDA dogma of Alphaness. And if you hold onto it, you’re going to get hurt and screwed again… and it’s not going to be her fault this time either.
Establishing Boundaries
Here’s what I think is the crux of the entire Be Alpha movement without blanketing our worldview with black-and-white perspectives: establishing and asserting our individual boundaries.
When the neophyte is experiencing his first Alpha awakenings, it’s not that he’s getting free drinks that is making him successful, and it’s not that he’s able to intimidate another guy away from talking to a girl. It’s not even that he’s acting confidently. For the first time in his life, he’s establishing boundaries around who he is and what he wants, and he asserts control within those boundaries. That’s all. Everything else was just a mirage to get him to work up the nerve to take action.
A new-definition Alpha Male has complete control over his boundaries, so if he CHOOSES to act selflessly, to act compassionately, to sacrifice himself, or even to take a backseat and let others shine, he can. That’s the mark of the True Alpha Male, the man who has utter control over his boundaries and how he enmeshes himself into any social situation. He feels no NEED to overcompensate or to dominate or to intimidate, although he CAN if he wishes. He feels no NEED to sacrifice or lay down for anyone, but if the appropriate situation arises, he can do that if he wishes as well.
And most of all, he recognizes that women are unique and their desires and needs are complex, shifting and changing with the place, time and the even moons. He recognizes that not every woman will always be attracted to who he is or how he represents himself…
…and that’s fine.
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This is good. I like what alphamaledom.com had to say on the topic.
Alphaness is the ability to be 100% in control of your behavior. Whatever you
do is your choice.
Only read the intro so far. Really promising.
This reality is exactly what I’ve been contemplating over the past year or two.
I am no pickup god or guru, but I’m very comfortable with women and dating at this point. And what I notice is that Alpha in our culture is a situational thing. And nobody can be Alpha all the time.
Let me read on now..
Years and years ago I hung out with guys from the Seduction Community in person. It didn’t last all that long.
More than anything, the douchey “Alpha” ways guys in it tried to act, even towards their supposed comrades, is what drove me away from it.
—–
I used to know a supposed ‘Alpha’ guy. He was tall, muscular and good looking. He was great at sports. He was super funny and popular. He got girls effortlessly, and they mainly saw him as someone hot to have a one-night-stand with….
…He had tons of baggage because his dad was a subtly bullying alcoholic. He had some health problems and had to have surgery, so was self-conscious about his body. He slept around, not because he liked it, but because he felt that’s just what guys like him were supposed to do. Last time I heard of him he was whipped by his so-so looking girlfriend.
Thanks. The nuances are important.
Alpha/Beta is a good first approximation. Kind of like Newtonian physics. But then we have to take it to the next, more nuanced, level of understanding: Quantum Mechanics.
For more on the subject may I suggest:
http://alpha-status.blogspot.com/search?q=stay+alpha+bro
Not my blog, btw.
Yes, I do agree that the alpha/beta tags can be taken too far.
How about instead, break it down into attractive and unattractive behaviours and label an ‘alpha’ someone with a good range of attractive behaviours and a ‘beta’ someone with a lot of unattractive behaviours.
Attractive:
- Going after what he wants (sometimes a little selfish – we’re only human)
- A healthy sex life (whether with a single partner, or multiple women)
- Being a leader, or among the leadership of men
- Successful at work, home and with his friends
- Socially confident, the ability to charm new people he meets
- People respect him
- Free of psychological burdens, genuinely happy with himself
- A healthy level of dominance, not being afraid of telling of people what he wants, not afraid of taking control
- A healthy level of boundaries, he knows what behaviour he respects and does not respect from other people
Unattractive
- Lack of self respect
- Doesn’t go after what he wants
- Unsuccessful with work, home-life or friends
- Self-deprecating
- Socially introverted
- Always wanting to do things for other people (but only because he thinks it will make people like him more)
- Full of psychological burdens and negative beliefs
- No masculine intent, afraid of his sexuality
- No boundaries, people walk all over him and treat him like shit
People love to give labels to things, it’s how our brain works. So if you see someone with a certain set of behaviours, it’s easier to label him an “alpha” or a “beta”. Of course an ‘alpha’ will always have some flaws, people aren’t perfect.
And if you want to know:
a) Jack is not an “alpha” because he hates his job and his wife. Why would you settle for a life you don’t enjoy?
b) Jay is not an “alpha” because he’s with a girl he doesn’t care about, who also sounds like a club-rat.
c) Ben is not an “alpha” because he sleeps with women just to be validated by his friends.
d) We don’t get to find out a lot about Steve. He sounds pretty cool. Going to fight in a war, and has a wife that doesn’t cheat on him when given a big opportunity.
I don’t think that the ‘perfect alpha’ exists anymore. Everyone has their flaws.
Steve will not be an alpha when he’s back home, because he’s going to come back with PTD and wake up screaming at 3AM every night.
War is not cool.
*PTSD
I’m Steve. No PTSD. War isn’t cool, but very educational.
Good article, Mark
Oh yeah, and I divorced my wife.
“And finally, perceiving the world in these terms sabotages real relationships and strong emotional connections. If the definition of Being Alpha is somewhere in the vicinity of holding your personal drives above others, and the definition of an emotional connection with a woman is to empathize with her and literally see and feel the world through her eyes, then we have a major conflict of interest. The two are mutually exclusive. Genuine emotional connection, by definition, requires one to experience and relate to the drives, motivations and will of a woman. This is simply impossible if you’re enmeshed in a self-serving and social-bulldozing mindset. ”
This means that Wanna be Alpha men are lousy lovers. They go after quantity (to spread their seed) rather than quality. They juggle (and use) several women at a time to boost and protect their ego rather than create a deep relationship with one woman which takes real courage.
To be a good lover requires empathy and being vulnerable yet strong. To be a good lover requires being willing to get to know one woman well. To be willing to open your heart knowing that you will likely be hurt, yet keep it open because you know that you are stronger than any pain. That is being true Alpha.
I wonder if any of these PUA have daughters, sisters or mothers.
“Attractive:
- Going after what he wants (sometimes a little selfish – we’re only human)
- A healthy sex life (whether with a single partner, or multiple women)
- Being a leader, or among the leadership of men
- Successful at work, home and with his friends
- Socially confident, the ability to charm new people he meets
- People respect him
- Free of psychological burdens, genuinely happy with himself
- A healthy level of dominance, not being afraid of telling of people what he wants, not afraid of taking control
- A healthy level of boundaries, he knows what behaviour he respects and does not respect from other people”
I agree – a sign of a good man. And I would like to add:
-Honest
-Courageous
-Loyal
-Honourable
-Polite
-Kind
-Treats others with respect and not just as means to an end.
-Creates, buys and invests in and looks after objects and relationships of quality.
-Doesn’t follow fads.
Michael Douglas comes to mind.
Thank you. This needs to go on the first page of the mens dating advice Bible. Too many guys are too screwed up by the “Alpha Male” thing and it’s really sad because you can tell they are good guys that just think they found the ezmode answer to a video game and don’t get how they come off as to other people. Even if they did though, they wouldn’t give a shit, because they are “so fucking alpha bro”. That’s a little counterproductive socially if you ask me. I can see the value of the idea and the need for some guys to go through that stage, just like going in to get blown out helps some guys even though it isn’t ideal. You don’t always go in to get blown out though. That’s a step.
P.S.: If you know a certain Alpha Male who could use a conversion (and we all do), please pass this along… thanks.
Mark, that wasn’t an article… That was a whole dang book!
Great stuff. Those characters you described were so vivid. You should write a screenplay or something, that was some intense character development.
Also, I wanted to add that I think guys need to forget about this whole “alpha” thing once and for all. It’s nothing but a hot mess!
Not sure how i feel about this post… i agree that overcompensation in terms of “being alpha” is DEFINITELY bad, but, i mean, is that relevant? I ask this bc i feel like MOST guys (not pua guys but guys in general) try too hard to “be alpha” I think its like when ur in highschool and theres the Ralph Muntz (from The Simpsons) type bully who tries to always be dominant but is secretly afraid, like the construction worker or the business guy in this essay. BUT, i think a lot of guys are stuck in this adolescence type phase, and it seem like MANY women LOOOOOVE that shit (i know u say in the article that guys who think that way are looking at the wrong women. u may be right but…. i dunno). Just watch an episode of Jersey Shore- a bunch of adolescent like “alpha bros” but it seems they lack not for the ladies. and as far as the long run, those mofos are all wealthy and famous now… u also mention the large range of human emotions and how they shouldnt be oversimplified, but i feel like this only really applies to people who have the ability to analyze themselves in an honest way, and make the necessary changes to better themselves and their lives, and as of late… i dont really see too many people around me that r like that… i hate to sound so down, but i just want ur thoughts on that. i agree that the answer to “who is the alpha” in this story is subjective, but in reference to the women in the story, the answer in each of their minds based on their lives would be pretty easy to find out (say if u were the construction guy, u would knowprettty quickly wat was motiviating the biz guy’s wife, and be able to act accordingly. although each case is different and subjective, just some basic info about each woman will tell u what she is looking for in terms of “alphaness.” i feel like this also extends into real life, and basically things really can be “dark and narrow” and predictable once u peg a specific person on what motivates them, and what they are looking for”
just want to add this-u mention TRUE alphaness is being able to basically gracefully establish boundaries…. This imo is the ideal and best scenario, but i (personally) view human nature to be very similiar to warfare. What if i were france via WW2 with this mindset, “Hey Germany, lets establish and assert our own individual boundaries, ok?”
Germany says, “BLITZKRIEG BITCH!!!”
Maybe France was being a pussy and DIDNT really ASSERT his boundaries properly. But more likely GERMANY was just being an asshole and decide to intentionally cross france’s bondaries… just because he could. I feel like real life is a lot like this- unless u are feared or highly respected, people will ALWAYS try to cross boundaries to whatever extent the feel they are able to, and even if u try to reassert them- there had better be SOME threat (spoken or percieved) of loss on the boundary breacher. it sux and itd be cool if it didnt have to be this way, but i feel like mutual respect of not just boundaries, but of others in general is something that has to be earned out of fear- fear felt by the opposing people….
Yeah, this is a gross over-simplification of what actually happened during WWII. Moreover, using personal interactions as a microcosm for the world wars would also suggest you’re looking at it in terms of people always trying to fuck with you, and the world is simply a terrible place like that (i.e. I guess it would marginally akin to realist theory for any IR specialists)- which is problematic for developing good relations with others. If we are comparing the “problem” of the alpha male as misconstrued by the seduction community, and this articles’ solution to the problem, a more accurate solution would be to develop self-esteem. Asserting yourself, defining your boundaries, etc… are extensions of healthy self-esteem, but they’re only one part of a more elaborate concept.
TLDR VERSION:
I think being an “overcompensating dick” is usually (and unfortunately) necessary to maintain and assert boundaries.
Yes, being an Overcompensating Dick does get you girls, but what kind of girls does it get you? Do you really WANT to be like the Jersey Shore guys? I guess the message here is that you don’t have to be that way.
As for the France/Germany example, the ideal would be that France can properly defend itself when necessary. The ideal is not that France would take over Germany in order to pre-empt Germany’s threat. That’s what an Overcompensating Dick would (feel free to make the George Bush references yourself).
Hope that makes sense.
yeah thats true- i honestly really do agree with this article, i just get tired of feeling like im surronded by, “overcompensating dicks” and Napoleon-complex type guys who always seem like they are out to prove something but maybe it is a self esteem thing like BOO mentioned. U should do a more specific post on how u deal with guys like that and give some examples- I try to walk away, but its hard. Another thing is that we guys in general tend to shit talk each other just for fun and bonding and all that jazz, but i feel like theres a fine line that often gets crossed with that (unless im REALLY close to the person, and theres only a few people i count in that group.) U mentioned club environments, and thats a reason I tend to avoid those places. I’ve been hittin the gym latley and I think that helps ward off guys like that, but still- its hella annoying….
+1
The other comment that I’ll make that I kind of alluded to in the article, is that PUA/MDA guys often lose track of the fact that a small minority of the girls in the world are the ones who end up in bars and clubs on a Friday night. Guys forget that when you go clubbing 3-4 times a week, you are self-selecting a very specific type of woman.
The majority of the female population does not behave that way.
I’ll have to print this off and read it when I get home, it looks like a great topic and TOTALLY worth mentioning, esp. when we considering Alpha Marketing in this industry and the whole ‘Man Up’ mantra.
I’m glad you mention this about girls in the bars. I guess people feel girls are the the most accessible though. To ‘day game’ in Prague seems a little unusual to some girls, whereas it’s totally expected to approach someone in a bar. Not that day approaching doesn’t get results (I actually do much better in the day) but sadly a few girls won’t get around how ‘un-normal’ it is.
Whatever happened to just trying to be a good, stand-up man that people can respect and look-up to? Why are people so caught up with being alpha or nice even. Just be a good guy and do the right thing. Go for what you want but don’t be an ass about it and belittle others in the process. By being a dick, you piss other people off and they in turn are dicks to other people, which is why you decided to be a dick in the first place cause it was done to you.
+1,000,000
One thing I’ve noticed is when a field has developed these vague terms that are meant to sum up a whole group of traits, and no one can agree on what those traits actually are anymore, that the best thing to do is just stop using the terms all together.
Just be specific and talk about what sub-traits you want to refer to instead. Like instead of saying, “Be Alpha” when you’re trying to get across, “Be confident and self-possessed and go for what you want”, just actually say, “It’s good to be confident and self-possessed and go for what you want”
That way no one can misinterpret what you meant when you used the term. And there won’t be any fodder for the discussion to get derailed by arguments of what it “really” means.
“And finally, perceiving the world in these terms sabotages real relationships and strong emotional connections. If the definition of Being Alpha is somewhere in the vicinity of holding your personal drives above others, and the definition of an emotional connection with a woman is to empathize with her and literally see and feel the world through her eyes, then we have a major conflict of interest. The two are mutually exclusive. Genuine emotional connection, by definition, requires one to experience and relate to the drives, motivations and will of a woman. This is simply impossible if you’re enmeshed in a self-serving and social-bulldozing mindset.”
Sup bra,
First of all. Amazing article as always. Deep, insightful, practical, avaunt-guard, and MOST IMPORTANTLY – relevant to our times. It’s nice to hear a highly respected and accomplished dating coach such as your self deal a blow to the dickish side of pick-up, and guide men towards more healthy emotional attitudes and behaviors. This type of advice is going to lead to more happiness in the long run, then any other type of pick-up advice you can currently find in the “pick-up-community”
ANYWAY, I have a question pertaining to the above paragraph you wrote in this article, and something I always hear you say, “You need to be less invested in the relationship than her, otherwise she’s gonna leave you.”
So, my question is, where is the balance between empathy – seeing the world through her eyes and living for yourself? In the above paragraph, you say the two are “mutually exclusive,” but to me that seems somewhat contradictory to the idea of “being a little less invested”. It seems like they are less mutually exclusive, and more appropriately balanced. Could you clarify?
Breeeeeett
I guess that’s where drawing boundaries comes in. You’re right it is more of a balancing act… it’s the two extremities (represented by Alphaness and Betaness respectfully) that are mutually exclusive.
I suppose my official advice is to be empathetic and considerate and caring and do compromise and sacrifice and care… but just do those things less than her. Draw your boundary there and own it.
I like a lot of your insights on this article and in the comments, except for when you say “…but just do those things less than her. Draw your boundary there and own it.” That sounds like it’s asserting a power-control (ie: domination) position, IMO. I’m not advocating you do more or less than her, but that simply having that mindset seems unhealthy in some ways to me.
I do think you bring up great point after great point in this article and even in a lot of the comments, and overall, a great job at facilitating a conversation which can enlighten a few overly eager alpha males. You’re onto something with the whole ‘doing it to assert a boundary’ thing and how that might feel good for a man coming from a less-rewarding background.
Excellent post.
I guess maybe the dominance it produces is the point. Would definitely be interested in the argument for the other side though.
That statement is based mainly on this post if you haven’t read it: http://www.practicalpickup.com/commitment-and-longevity
“As soon as the guy starts having a bigger scarcity mentality than the woman, it signifies that she’s perceived to be much higher value than him and as a result she loses attraction for him”
There’s a lot of implications in this sentence:
1. Both partners have a scarcity mentality and that one is always bigger.
2. Someone must be of higher value.
3. In order to make a relationship work, the man must be (or act like?) he has the upper hand. In other words, he must assert dominance.
4. The man must be dominant.
Of course, I have personal values that don’t agree with this at all, but that’s not to say that I don’t see where you’re coming from. I just mostly think this is an unhealthy mindset to have and that dwelling on issues such as these could actually manifest them in your relationships.
The kind of scenario you described certainly does happen, but I would also say that you can opt out of those kind of relationships before they even begin by choosing a different kind of partner, one who is more evolved and conscious of relationship dynamics.
But I get where you’re coming from. You’re giving advice to a generation of men who want back the value they feel they’ve lost amidst the uprising of women, and that’s the general aim of dating advice (for both men and women)…to gain power and control. But it is these specific societal values of power and control, I believe, which have all-but nullified the healthy long-term relationship!
These values of power and control (ie: dominance) were set forth under the rationality of men, and women have since desired to obtain it for the sake of equality, and yet, we are all dissatisfied at large. It is, in my opinion, because these values in and of themselves miss the mark completely (on both a societal and relationship level).
The values required for healthy intimacy exist somewhere else. I have some ideas about what they are but I will not get into that here (though you know my offer to talk is good anytime).
We are not going to get equality by women obtaining everything that men already have. It’s going to require a massive shift in how we view and value one another, and since men are still the dominant sex, nothing will change unless we as men initiate it and carry it out. Big subject.
So that was a little longer of a writeup than I anticipated but I thought I should try to be elaborate and as condense as I could.
Keep up with the new material as I feel it is above most of what circulates this industry, and as times goes on seems to be inching closer and closer to the heart of the real issues. I’m extremely interested to see where you’re at in ten years (personally and professionally).
Glancing back at that post, I agree with you about the language. As you probably know, I’ve been trying to get away from the “higher value” language for probably the same reason you don’t like it (in the long-run, it’s limiting).
I see your point re: dominance, although I still hold that the male/female dynamic although it should absolutely be equal in public arenas, I think relationships aren’t best served by equality in private arenas. Perhaps “equality” isn’t the right word here, because I feel like a healthy dominant/submissive dynamic inside a relationship is actually equal but merely different.
Anyway, big subject like you said. And I agree. I’ve felt for a while now that the PU industry will eventually morph into a mature and healthy place for men to come to terms with these issues in a genuine manner… just got to keep pushing it in that direction.
“I feel like a healthy dominant/submissive dynamic inside a relationship is actually equal but merely different.”
In feminist theory, ‘we call that a near-peer relationship’
We’ve got terms for everything
I agree. As a woman I need to know that the man will always be stronger than I am and that I can’t manipulate him. A really strong man will have his heart wide open yet is able to say, “I love you and no, I can’t afford to take you out every night.” It doesn’t matter if he is Alpha or Beta – as long as he is stronger (while being loving) than I am.
It’s a real turn on to meet a man who knows himself well and doesn’t need anyone else’s (including his woman’s) approval. Especially if he has passion and direction for a cause greater than himself. For example, a man who has a business that he is passionate about and works to make it a success is much more attractive than a man who has a job he hates no matter how important it is.
respek
Hi Mark definitely an interesting article.
If I were to put it down to one sentence, I’d say:
It’s about being comfortable and OK with who you are.
As I’ve said before, I was far more successful before I picked up The Game, and it was because I was fine with who I was. The PUA marketers (and you’ve been very diplomatic in not naming the worst offenders) make a mint by trying to spread insecurity in guys. Even their emails can make a guy feel insecure if he’s not in the right place.
Just today I was chatting to an American guy in Prague who made comments about being a ‘chode’ and spoke of his worry about ‘Approach Anxiety’. If he’d never read these books, maybe he’d have more chance of just going out there and doing it, instead of worrying about what’s ‘wrong’ with him..
I would say that for many guys there is an aspect of “getting worse before you get better” to their development. But I think the nature of a lot of marketing, material and how guys digest it (you included) doesn’t lend itself to efficient development.
I like a lot of articles on your site, Mark, and find this one really terrific. I think as much for the useful discussion about male roles in society and what we should aspire to. I also can’t help but think there is a lot of your personal journey in the story – what you once admired and why, where you are now and where you’re headed.
From my reading it is just a fact that women’s mate selection choices are biased in favor of dominant males. And that’s not news to anyone who’s lived through high school. I think the PUA guys developed ways to “signal” dominance as a shortcut to increasing the odds of success with women – and it seems to have worked to some extent. But “signaling” is not “being” and so maturity means actualy growing and developing as men. And of course it gets out of hand with men believing dick-headedness is a “signal” of being alpha.
Interesting study this month by Dr Diane Felmlee, a professor, and Dr Robert Faris, an assistant professor, at University of California, Davis, showed that the popular kids in high school use bullying to enforce their position in the pecking order. Mean Girls was right. BUT! The people in the top 2% were the least aggressive in enforcing the pecking order – both male and female. Maybe being truly alpha and having personal freedom and large mate choice means getting past all that AMOG shit.
I’d like to make a suggestion that this article be followed up with an investigation of what it means to be a “leader” male and what men should be striving for, both for pick up and for healthy, happy prodtive lives.
This post works, provides valuable perspective, if a little long-winded.
Your story about Jack, Jay, Steve, and Ben, and they ladies in their lives does do a great job of illustrating a very important point you left out, one that actually simplifies and streamlines one’s understanding of alpha-beta qualities.
That is: social status and sex rank are contextually generated, fluid, and therefore changeable moment-to-moment and situation-to-situation.
As a lifetime student of martial arts & Asian philosphy, one can use the theory of yin & yang to understand alpha-beta dynamics, for alpha-beta can be seen as a subset of yin-yang. In Taoist philosophy, nothing is ever pure yin or pure yang. They exist relative to each other, therefore they are relational and contextually driven. Beta male behavior is simply less yang or less masculine than alpha behavior. Or if you will, beta behavior is simply more femininie than alpha. We all have qualities of both, and both have their place. Beta behavior has been unnecessarily demonized in the manosphere, a smidgen of it is necessary in LTR game. See Athol Kay on that, he’s got it dialed.
Perhaps it’s valuable to speak of Alpha potential, for that’s what game generally seeks to maximize. Of all the men in your story, Jack and Jay have the largest Alpha potential, because they are leaders of men & have spheres of influence. All men contain some alpha potential, and all men can learn to maximize alpha potential to optimize mating, dating, & relationship strategies. Both Jay & Jack can both learn to deal with their crippling one-itis. If dealt with, both Jay & Jack would have happier sex lives and more/better opportunities. Of the two, Jay would clean up the best, and likely Jay is also furthest from his potential.
Actually, of all the men, Steve is the only one really living up to his true alpha potential, because he’s successfully maintaining an LTR with a sought-after woman, keeping her both happy and faithful.
Truly living up to our highest potential as men, as Alphas, whatever that means to us (the various men manifested a variety of goals with respect to their alpha potential) is perhaps the highest aspiration we can seek, and the frame to which we might best calibrate.
Good article. I see a lot of guys that fit the stereotypical image of “alpha” but are nothing like what I want to be. It comes down to being proud of who you are, knowing your boundaries and being able to lead yourself and others. I’m working on it everyday.
Fantastic post. I was contemplating this stuff recently, but couldn’t put it to words.
I quickly read through this article and finally I feel that someone shares the same view as I do!.
A few comments:
- Every “alfa male” that I know is
A) socialle liked
B) super friendly in real life
C) confident
What I’ve noticed in these guys is that hey have leadership because they contribute so much to their environment. They make sure that others enjoy being around them, they welcome others in their group. And they have the backbone to assert themselves.
But the truth of the matter is that comepnsating behaviours like that is often times seen as “confident” behaviour.
- I know a guy who sleeps around a lot and slaps his women: some guy told me he’s a real alfa male.
- You enter a gym and a buff guy says to you “hi girls”: some guy told me those are alfa males.
- A guy picks a fight in a night clubs when he has an army of bouncers behind: some guy told me that’s alfa behaviour.
I’ve never agreed with this. And the funny thing is this comes from a guy who has slept with 75 women, yet is 32, overweight and lives with his mom. You have even met him Mark he’s a friend from Angel (brusselslair).
I guess it’s just the easiest way to come across as confident because facing deeper issues takes honesty and hard work.
ps: jersey shore….. it’s t-shirt timeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! :p
I guess the other thing is that girls are attracted to different types, just like we are. There’s the strong builder; the sportsman; the poet; the dancer; the accountant; the entrepreneur; the emo; the pretty boy.
I’ve seen all these ‘types’ with really beautiful women. The problem with the whole Alpha movement – and the myriad products with ‘Alpha’ in the name – is that there is no one type of man, but that’s what some gurus are implying..
Good post. Definitely an interesting read. I especially like the scenarios you started out with in the beginning to get your point across. That really does sound like real life.
I’ve never been one to get too caught up on the whole Alpha/Beta thing. I think highly of myself, but I think it’s important to take notes on where and what I need to improve on. And this isn’t necessarily just with women, but in all aspects of life.
People are complex creatures.
When we look at your examples, I started my own business in high school, and when I was 15 I would do a lot that you mentioned. I could talk people into giving me stuff for free, I could get people to get me in places – bars, clubs even though I was underage, sporting events even though I didn’t have a ticket…. Things like that. But I wasn’t comfortable escalating with women or telling them what I wanted. I could talk to them on the phone for hours, but I didn’t do much beyond that.
In college I could go up random strangers and try to sell them something or promote a party with no problem…. Yet I was uncomfortable doing little things like asking a random guy in the weight room to spot me…
Even now, I can approach women in bars and clubs fairly easily, but if I see an attractive girl on the bus next to me during the day I freeze up and don’t know what to say…
You could make the argument that I’ve always been Alpha in some circumstances yet completely Beta in others. It’s a comfort zone thing really. Like your example – the DJ may be the shit in the clubs, but he can’t run a business and hold the boardroom down the way Jack can… It’s not black and white. Nobody is “entirely Alpha” across the board. It’s not possible, humans are much too complex…
I think in the end it’s all about constantly reevaluating yourself – what do you want out of life? In the next year? Next 5 years? Next 10? Professionally, Socially, Physically, Sexually? Life is multi-faceted, and there are plenty areas to work on. Improve upon weaknesses, foster strenghts, be who you want to be – nobody else can define that but you.
I never really fancied the idea of such trivial categorization of alpha this beta that. It’s funny, when I thought about who the real person in control in their boundaries is, I thought of Optimus Prime. Please bear with me, but he is a good example of a leader. He has a gentle way of leading about him. He gets his message through peaceful, although he CAN use force when he has too. He feels no need to be in the spotlight. He strives to empathize with others. Now Hot Shot is second in command, but he is fine with it. He does not feel any less of a transformer for it. Heck, he even loves being under Optimus.
Megatron on the other hand is a leader too. But his leadership bleeds of fear and darkness. He forces his will unto others. The only thing keeping his rambunctious band of Decepticons is their united goal: power and defeat the Autobots. Now think about this: if either Optimus or Megatron died, how would the people feel if they went missing? The Autobots would weep and could not fathom a new leader. On the other hand, the Decepticons would almost be glad Megatron was gone. I do not mean to belittle your entire post with this seemingly novel comparison, but it is an idea that really helped click things in my head. Hopefully others can see it.
Mark this was a good post about the alpha male complex. I have at times felt trapped by the alpha male identity I clung to in my own mind, especially when it involved making a decision about what to do in a relationship.
I liked what you brought up about not every girl in the world is a club girl. it seems like alot of theory was based off of nerds in clubs analyzing and testing what worked and then drawing conclusions about “girls.”
It took a while for me to even realize that when i was talking to a girl i was actually talking to another human being, another person, instead of some pre-programmed “girl” that I had studied the behaviors of in some books I read. ITs like im relating to my image of what i think a girl is through my mask of an “alpha male” and it ends up not working very well.
you have probably written about this before but it would be cool if you did another piece like this that was from a girls perspective. I remember your post about what its like to be a hot girl when you were in thailand or wherever but im sure you have talked to women in your own life about how you related to them as an alpha male/pua in the beginning of your relationship with them and it would be cool to hear what their perspective on all this is…
Hi there,
I think you confuse jerks with Alphas.
Real Alphas have empathy for other people.
They don’t have insecurities and they don’t try to overcompensate.
of course in order to become alpha from beta many times you have to pass through the jer phase.
This was definitely a good piece. Since I started reading some of these game/PUA blogs, I’ve been questioning the alpha label and how it’s applied. It seems to me that the omega has more desirable characteristics in the context of interactions with women via pickup/seduction. One of the characteristics of the alpha is the need to be recognized by others as a leader – he needs validation from others (which would be considered “beta” behavior by many). The omega does what the alpha does, but does not require the recognition or validation from others. The omega prefers to accomplish things on his own, on his own skill (alphas talk of having wingmen/sycophants to run interference for him). Omegas have pride, without ego. In the context of pickup, alpha qualities may be considered the optimal to possess, but I’ve also read pieces where gamers have extolled the virtues of rolling solo, which is definitely omega. I’m curious as to why the virtues of the omega are not extolled more often.
Reminds me a discussion I’ve had recently with a friend on the subject. We both had a previous common relative who kept being rejected by girls during school period cause he was a real nice guy, but too “soft” and became somehow abused by girls as “sissy”.
Years later, after the studies he discovered the game and changed many aspects : physically (workout), mentally (anthony robbins anyone ?), and our course, the beloved game community.
Inspired by the Alpha concept, the simply cut most of his previous friendships (us and many more) because he felt we reminded him his past (like any stupid post on the subject will advise you to do if you search a bit in the PUA community) and acts as an alpha all day long (the good old us vs them concept).
Now what is interesting is that he fucks a lot of (party) girls, usually gets what he wants, but is a real dick for most people. Socially, that means he will game your sister, try hard in social gathering, and compete to gain girl’s number cause that’s the PUA lifestyle.
On the other hand, he got kicked out once by his girlfriend, cursed by another, and chased down via an ex for cheating. And many other uninteresting horror stories.
What is funny is that we also have a guy who’s a lady’s man, funny, always smiling, party bringing, cool, able to get the best from you, financially wealthy, good looking, etc… Who was in the same situation as the previous one. But didn’t apparently read the same definition of “alpha male”.
Which lead us to this simple conclusion. Game = shortcuts. Alpha male = fantasy male model for dummy. Real game in life = work and social calibration, and most importantly, a good personality.
Game = amplify what’s the best or the worst in you.
I wouldn’t even dare to use the term alpha male anymore since it has been used so much yet at the same time is so empty and vain.
If there is one thing that I’ve noticed in my own experience then it’s this: if you can make people feel comfortable around, make them enjoy themselves and contribute something to your environment. Then you’ll be rewarded with status since it’s very rare that someone actually does those things.
Also the term alpha male is described as this one type of guy who is insanely attractive to every girl that he comes across. Which is basically bullshit. Yes women are attracted to super tall bodybuilder guys but they are also attracted to guys who can write creative poetry or who can give amazing speeches. Belive it or not but Prince is a sex symbol and I don’t think Martin Luther King had lack of female attention.
There is just something amazing about being a man. Simply because there is an enormous amount of potential that every guy has to become good with women. This is all due to the fact that we men can add value to a woman’s life in all sorts of ways: by being passionate about something, by dressing well, by making her laugh, by having a wide social circle. Not to mention that our attraction increases when we get older, whereas with women it’s totally different.
What this community does wrong is stereotyping every behavior. More correctly would be the way community guys apply that way of stereotyping. Suddenly buying a girl a drink is loser behavior and the list basically goes on. Maybe in the eyes off crazy party girls this will come across like that. But has anyone ever taught about it that there are a lot of fun, sexy, outgoing women who don’t go to clubs?
The question is not are you and alpha male or a beta male. The question is are you weak or strong. Because if you can set boundaries you can be good and strong at the same time. It’s just a more mature way of defining confidence.
You make some great points. When I first started out I definitely took it a little overboard with the Alpha thing until I realized that you will be more successful blending Alpha and Beta traits while maintaining your inner game.
What I really think you are getting at is essentially is the importance of both vulnerability game and not overgaming.
Awesome post, definitely reflected a lot on whether or not I had had these beliefs in the ~2 years I had been super into the Alpha/PU scene. Since screwing up a relationship I really liked by doing pretty much exactly what you said (overasserting my desires no matter the cost, lack of real empathy, la la…all of which compensating), I’ve reverted to what you could call a healthier version of my old self. This has led me to think about alternative models of manliness and alphaness.
To me, this was the most interesting line in the article:
“The male hierarchy within primate cultures based on strength/fitness/power. The strongest/fittest/most-powerful is the “Alpha”…”
Can we break down all the different models of men people are describing here in the comments and in your story into excellence in one of these three traits? Strength being physical strength, fitness being social calibration or literally adaptation to their environment, and power being cultural power, drawn from positions of power or respect accorded by society?
Jack has power, Ben has strength, Jay has fitness, and Steve has power (accorded by religion).
And can we then break down what different sorts of girls like (I.e. What really makes you an Alpha Male in the PU sense) into these same three categories? I think we can break most models of PU or attractiveness down into developing one of these three things. That makes the theory nerd in me get all excited and shit.
You are the industry’s undisputed terrorist. Pushing anarchy trigger pulling lyricist.
I would like to see Mark and Roissy have a debate about this. My position is that the ‘overcompensating dick’ guys aren’t really being alpha.
The jersey shore type guys and other wanna-be thugs, e.g., are alpha posers. You have these guys who have alpha traits and who can flip attraction etc, but are generally very insecure about everything. If they see their girls flirting with another guy they get jealous and go insane on them.
They want girls and lays so badly, but fail to realize that they’re taking it waaaaaaaay too far.
This article is an answer to a question I didn’t know I’d been asking. Thanks Mark. I think the difficult part of it is what the hell to do. You tossed the divining rod.
Which member of the A-Team was more Alpha?
Hannibal was the leader
BA was a badass
Face got all the chicks
Murdock didn’t give a fuck
These men weren’t Alpha or Beta. I would call them Gamma.
I think what is described in this article relates pretty well to “The 7 habits of highly effective people”.
That book describes how you get from a State of Dependence (beta) to a State of Independance (alpha) and finally a State of InterDependence (gamma).
What the PUA thing is doing is moving men from Beta to Alpha. This is a crucial step for most men but not the end of the trip.
Imagine if the members of the A-Team were all alphas. They wouldn’t even have gotten out of the maximum security stockade. But they were more than alphas, they were gammas. Leading when their skills were called for, following when someone elses were more suitable. On their own these were good men. As a team, they became legendary.
So let the men of the world become alphas. When we all are, we’ll start new communities and make them Gamma.
Interesting article. I believe the Alpha Male dynamic exists and has an impact on our attractiveness to women. However, unlike many of the details mentioned in the article, I do not believe the Alpha Male hierarchy is defined specifically by behavior.
I believe it is a social definition, defined by the current social environment, and defined solely by the men in that environment. Women, attention, and power are benefits derived from this hierarchy, not elements that create the hierarchy. The elements that create an Alpha Male in a social environment are based mostly on perception, comfort, and expertise. PERCEPTION: Guys size each other up, and tend to be certain/uncertain about how they fit in. Certain guys look good, appear cool, or have reputations. COMFORT: Familiarity with the environment, friends, and other factors can make a guy more comfortable, more expressive, more capable of standing out a little. EXPERTISE: The guy who knows what he’s doing has action on his side, and guys tend to feel more powerful and capable when they feel they can act, conquer, and access their own god-given abilities, without fear of fumbling. Different environments require different types of expertise. Business. The Club. The supermarket. Sports. Computers. Etc.
There you go.
I take my hat off to your sir, this is fantastic. Almost felt like I was reading a deja-vu.
“At first, I saw mountains as mountains and rivers as rivers. Then, I saw mountains were not mountains and rivers were not rivers. Finally, I see mountains again as mountains, and rivers again as rivers.”
I think Mark and a lot of the commenters have really overcomplicated this issue.
There’s two things to being an alpha male:
1. Good looks (this includes things like the face which is the most important, followed by height and muscles). Without this, the person isn’t “fitting the bill” that most people have stereotyped into their head. When you don’t fit this bill, THAT’s when people think you’re “overcompensating” (as above)
2. Dominance – Tells people what to do, people follow him, won’t tolerate getting pushed around or disrespected, and probably some level of physical intimidation that he’s not afraid of fighting. He can be respectful and courteous, or he can be an asshole or a douche, either way.
So what if that tall, chiseled-jaw, good-looking, dominant and physically menacing guy is a manic depressive and still lives at home with mom? Is he still alpha?
You’re just proving my point I think. That the concept of “Alpha” is totally arbitrary and ultimately meaningless in the grander scheme of things. We all have moments and situations in which we’re attractive and we’re unattractive.
Sure, there’s always exceptions. But ask yourself, in terms of trends and probability, who’s more likely to be a depressed beta living at home: the dashing man you described or a short, ugly pushover?
And still living with your parents (an economic and logistical situation, especially as a young adult.. high school football jocks,, etc..) or having some psychological disorders does not always preclude Alpha status.
Dude. Fucking brilliant. I can honestly say that no other philosophies have molded my thinking more than yours. I’ve been studying/practicing for about ten months, and getting kind of sick of it. I’ve been dancing around on top of a more zen approach and philosophy of my own, and you’re putting it into words. AND THEN offering up more insight that kicks the old way in the teeth.
I meant to also make a point that this article explains in long form, and which is something borrowed from NLP.
RE: Flexibility.
Our brains are running programs we’ve designed ourselves since birth, influenced by observation, the teaching of others, and many other subfactors. For those of us with problems in “pickup” or any area of our life, it could be argued that the source of the matter is inelastic programming. We don’t know how to operate any other way.
I changed my programming overnight, after learning that flexibility reigns king, especially in the The Alpha Male Paradox.
The person who is the most flexible, has the advantage. ALWAYS.
Now, every man most would identify as the Alpha Male in any situation, is my friend. Even before I’ve met him. And I don’t necessarily go introduce myself. If for some reason I find myself in an interaction with him, I just act as if he is my friend.
In the cases where testosterone and complete lack of intelligence overpower the “Alpha Male’s” ability to recognize a no-win situation, I do the unexpected: act completely neutral. Often times, this is saying nothing at all, without expression.
… And of course, at any other time, I’m doing what I MYSELF AND MYSELF ALONE want to do (i.e. go to this club as oppose to that club, pursue my own gratification or entertainment, eat at this restaurant as oppose to that restaurant, decide whether to follow THIS group of girls, that group of guy friends, or go it alone).
If I don’t know what it is that I want to do, I pull back and try to figure it out. Right now, I’m spending a lot of time figuring that out–going out alone, and deciding if offers from people such as friends are how I want to spend my time.
Delta
This is a much needed observation. The whole “alphs/beta” and most other classifications in the Pick Up Artist community are meaningless.
It’s amazing how the act of finding a mate(temporary or permanent) has become so over complicated and exasperating. I am 42 yrs old, and would probably be considered an omega in that I don’t lead or follow, and have now grown so jaded with women,that I no longer pursue or woo them,though I still desire them greatly.
I don’t bear no ill will towards them(anymore,that is). I just try and be nonchalant and creative with my flirtations, with no objective to get them into the sack or even get their number. Since I have ALWAYS been good at getting the latter,but have had a nearly 90% flake out rate from this so called “success”,I have figured out the cold,hard,and cruel truth…That you either have it or you don’t. I am at a point of my life Where I am in the process of accepting my impending lonely existence,with the hope of the occasional “kindness from strangers)OR not so strangers.
One just has to accept their status in life,no matter how lowly and undesirable it may be. Either that or suicide,since to not have EVEN have a measly mediocre relationship with a woman that you are some what attracted to,is detrimental to ANY heterosexual male,is a very good reason to commit it.
But to a somewhat lesser extent I am intermittently quite good at flirting and teasing women. I totally appear like a semi alpha who has at the very least the occasional LTR,and have learned to terminate said interactions at their peak(because I,indeed HAVE peaked) before my below beta instincts takeover and ruin it for me. It’s like in spite of every thing I know and Learned,I can’t control the Pussy inside ME,when it should(frequently)be the other way around.
Great article
The (not so) funny thing is that MDA industry even got primate’s Alpha role wrong. Beta males usually have sex more often than Alphas, because being Alpha is a full time job, controlling the territory, battling young Alpha wannabes, etc. Also females mate with Alpha not because they’re attracted but because they have less choice. It’s known and frequent that female chimps betray the alpha male by literally hiding in the bushes with other more pleasant betas (or even males from other tribes!).
Now take that nuanced dynamics and apply it to humans, a species not only with the highest encephalization, but also the only primate species in which females hide their fertile period (homo sapiens is a *very* promiscous species).
My opinion is that the Alpha male is a tale of concpet poorly understood in the first place and carelessly made even more wrong.
That’s interesting. I didn’t know some of that. The other thing they completely miss is that betas often align with each other to overthrow the alpha, so the alpha, to remain successful has to learn to placate some of the stronger betas.
As usual, this stuff is more complex.
Great stuff! This reminds me of a quote I heard recently: The opposite of “man” isn’t “woman,” it’s “boy.” Being a “real man” isn’t about avoiding any appearance of “womanly”/”beta” things like emotional intimacy, vulnerability, empathy, care for others, etc. It’s about being a grown-up who has his shit together, who supports himself, who doesn’t crave validation or need care-taking from girlfriends-standing-in-for-mommy’s-love, who doesn’t act out in childish displays of selfishness and stubborn withholding. It’s about knowing who you are and being that man. The more authentically yourself you are, the more attractive you become.
I think that understanding what “alphaness” is for every individual (because like you said, it can vary) is perhaps the most important element in the path of self-improvement which probably leads to better success with women as well.
Your article demonstrates exactly the difficulty of finding what alpha is. I think every man needs to spend time on that and perhaps go through a period of trial and error to figure out how he becomes the best version of himself, the alpha.
The idea that I have in my head is that alpha is a man who is simply in control. But not in the sense of trying to control everything, manipulating, fighting for it. In the sense that nothing takes him by surprise, he’s collected, calm and has an inherent charm that stems from his self-assurance because he lives life like he wants and enjoys it. No need to impress, win over or chase something.
There are smart alphas and dumb alphas, who do smart things and/or dumb things. However, they are still alphas. Do not confuse the two issues!
We that’s a pretty sweeping generalization of what the PUA community considers an alpha male. You are wrong.
I follow Roissy’s definition of an alpha – your alphaness is only determined by how many women you attract and how attractive those women are.
That’s it. Being an executive or boss is just foreplay, even serial killers are alphas – have you seen the women who chase after the incarcerated? Its more likely than you could ever imagine.
With this being said, Ben from your story is not an alpha male. Sure he’s the bull in a cheating relationship, but it’s with a frumpy old unattractive woman.
The DJ is the only alpha in your story. The other two men could have been but they squandered their alpha capital by not hooking up.
That’s some serious circular logic.
“An alpha male is anyone who attracts a lot of women.”
“To attract women, you have to be an alpha male.”
I thought Roissy was smarter than that.
Where are you getting circular logic from?
Are you confused about your sociosexual rank?
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/09/19/defining-the-alpha-male/
The argument is that your alphaness is defined by the women you attract, because really, that’s all that matters – who cares if you run a company if you can’t mate with anyone desirable? As an aside, Alpha males today can thwart the baby problem by birth control, but they still lay with many attractive women, as alphas have for millennia.
I can see why youd want to create a chicken-and-egg argument to disagree, but that’s straw man at best.
You can still attract women as a beta. Just not any women that an alpha would want for more than a night lol!!
According to his scale, I’m an 8 or 9.
I wasn’t aware of that post. I do find the reduction of alphaness to merely how much attention and attraction you get from women to be pretty shallow and meaningless. There are more important and fulfilling things in life than sticking your dick in 100 holes.
Does saying your a 8 or 9 on his scale provide disqualification for his entire definition?
A key point he makes is *how attractive* those holes are. Not all holes are created equal.
A man who has brought home 100 generic bar girls (5-7s), while doing better than chubby chasers, is STILL not really an alpha by the chateau’s scale.
The key point is that all of the “alpha traits” prevalent in other PUA communities are ONLY a means to an end.
To that extent, I agree with you that te mainstream-ified “alpha” IS wrong….and I like your piece I that extent
…but tell me, what is the purpose, the end-result, if you will, for having this website in the first place? In the end of day we want to attract hotter women, and that aligns perfectly with Roissy’s defn.
Quite the opposite actually, I was saying it to qualify myself… as in, I’ve reached the higher levels of his definition of “Alpha” and here’s my perspective based on this.
Sex is nice. Sex with beautiful women is better. But this site is about more than that. I’ve come to the perspective that men who base their lives on chasing more and hotter pussy demonstrate a neediness. I’d rather help them become more comfortable and confident with themselves, develop great lives for themselves, and become happier… women are part of the equation, but not the entire equation.
I personally think PUA misses the boat in terms of what is actually effective and what builds a life of sexual abundance. PUA teaches you how to chase pussy… but PUA doesn’t teach you how to develop yourself in a man that draws women towards you.
Alpha is a state of mind, not a demographic.
http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/alpha/
It makes guys feel good about themselves to define Alpha in their own image (leader of men, family provider, etc.), but they only get frustrated and conflicted when they see women gravitate towards the douchey-est of guys and his Alpha energy. Then they qualify the women attracted to them as “low quality” to fit with their personal Alpha narrative.
Alpha is elemental. It’s like fire; you can use it to cook your food and keep you warm or you can use it to burn your neighbor’s house down. Alpha will always defy your personal attempts to define it. There are Alpha behaviors, cues and outward manifestations to be sure, but the death row inmate is equally as Alpha as the upstanding businessman who takes care of his responsibilities.
I’m sorry; did you read the article?