Breaking up is never easy, regardless of the circumstance or who does the dumping. This article covers both sides of the coin: how to dump her and how to get over being dumped.

How to Break Up With a Girl

Reader writes:

Breaking Up?

It seems like just no one talks about it.

Of course it’s not just about the END of relation. You guys probably frame it well from the beginning so it’s MUCH easier or even the problem doesn’t exist, but anyway – how to ‘break up’ with someone without hurting their feelings?
Let’s face a bad scenario where girl just falls in love with you, you have a very deep relation, you had sex and you just haven’t made it clear that you are not looking for a LTR. How to break up with her without hurting her?

I know there are other options like friends with benefits ect, but I think it’s pretty advanced topic.

Good question.

It’s impossible to break up with a girl without hurting her feelings. That’s kind of the definition of a break up, ending an emotional relationship. You can’t end an emotional relationship without hurting someone’s feelings.

If she’s in love with you and you aren’t in love with her, you have to be honest about that. Tell her that you don’t want a serious relationship and that you don’t feel the same way. It’s not pleasant, but it’s not going to be pleasant no matter how you break up with her. You might as well be honest and do it as soon as it’s an issue. When you do this, the woman always respects you for your honesty, and often they’ll hang around and become friends with benefits. Sometimes it hurts too much and they drift away.

The biggest thing to remember is that when you say it, often they won’t take what you say at face value. For instance, you’ll say, “I don’t want a relationship right now.” They’ll get upset but say they want to keep seeing you, and then a few weeks down the road they’ll try to get you into boyfriend situations.

The important thing to remember is that YOUR ACTIONS MUST BACK UP YOUR WORDS. ALWAYS. It doesn’t matter what you say about the relationship, if you act like a boyfriend and feel like a boyfriend, she’s going to get pissed off if you’re not her boyfriend. If you don’t act like her boyfriend, then she has nothing she can legitimately complain about.

Relationship management comes down to a few key concepts, the most of important of which are: 1) be painfully honest and open, and 2) back up your words with your actions.

Hope this helps.

How to Get Over a Break Up

But what’s hard to remember sometimes when you’re in the midst of an awful break up, especially if you’re the dumped… and ESPECIALLY if it was a first love type deal… is that it passes. Shit’s going to be OK. One day you’re going to feel great again and happy with somebody else, and probably much sooner than you imagine.

With that said, I’ve actually talked to not one, not two, but THREE different guys the last couple weeks who just got out of a rough break up and asked me for some advice about getting over it. So here it is, Mark’s Fool-proof Break up Recovery kit.

1. Do NOT go out and Immediately try to fuck a ton of girls. My first couple post-community break ups, this is what I did. This is a band-aid solution. Rather than cleansing your emotional pain, you’re just covering up — or even worse, sometimes just causing even more with a new girl. This just isn’t a healthy way to deal with depression or post-breakup emotions. A lot of guys complain that after a bad break up, they go out and their interactions are really off. YEAH! Because you’re an emotional wreck. That’s why.

I give it a few weeks, or even a month or two if it’s a pretty serious break up. Just don’t date anyone. Take time to yourself. Learn to enjoy time by yourself and appreciate yourself, and (not to sound too new-agey or anything), FEEL your emotions and embrace them.

I see this the most in students who are recent divorcees. They struggle when I work with them and it’s just so apparent to me that they haven’t even begun to deal with their baggage from the divorce. When you’re ready to get back into the game, you’ll naturally feel it. That fire of desire will naturally ignite itself again, and you’ll ENJOY dating. But until then, don’t rush it.

2. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Studies have shown that people who exercise process negative emotions faster and are depressed for far shorter spans of time. There’s probably something about speeding up your metabolism that works through your emotional funk quickly. The last 2-3 weeks I’ve been hitting the gym and running like a madman. It’s the perfect way to burn off a lot of angst and I always feel better afterward.

3. Pour yourself into your work. I’ve always found that the most important thing about break ups and the negative emotions that comes with it, is channeling those negative emotions into something productive. So instead of laying in bed 11 hours a day, watching Seinfeld reruns and eating pizzas by yourself, pour yourself into your work or your hobbies. I have a naturally tendency to start working ridiculous 12-14 hour days when I get depressed. And what invariably happens is I accomplish something awesome and immediately start feeling better about myself and life in general.

And if you’ve been dumped, then this is THE most important piece. Reframe everything you do, and I mean EVERYTHING, to motivation. If I’ve been dumped, I constantly tell myself, “I’m going to make myself so fucking awesome, she’ll feel like a moron for dumping me.” And then I go out and pursue whatever I think will accomplish that. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not the healthiest belief, but right after a break up, it’s the best thing you can tell yourself.

Convert your pain and depression into fuel for your own success.

4. Hang out with friends. The only thing that will immediately make you feel better (aside from substance abuse) is going to be your friends. Take the opportunity to hang out with your friends as much as possible. And when I say, “Hang out with friends,” I don’t mean, “Go out to get laid,” I mean sit down and hang out with friends. Watch sports together, go golfing, grab a beer, do whatever. Get out of the house and be social. Good friends really are the best remedy and fastest way to ease that slow pain that just seems to fester in you.

I won’t be posting on the blog again until after my girlfriend is gone. Until then…

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13 Responses to Break Up Survival Guide

  1. Hammer says:

    I think this is good advice for your situation, but I think that fucking other girls is good advice for most guys because they are confusing love for appreciation of convenient sex and fear of not being able to find someone else. Finding a couple of low maintenance fuck buddies can definitely prove a good supplemental solution to the above.

  2. Leo says:

    “instead of laying in bed 11 hours a day, watching Seinfeld reruns and eating pizzas by yourself, pour yourself into your work or your hobbies.”

    So true!

  3. Nicolas says:

    Hey man,

    that sucks…

    I know, I’ve gone through too many of those myself also.

    Its yet another side of seduction where nobody talks about. After a while, it gets pretty easy to find someone, but love remains always hard to find, no matter how good you become. In the end, we have to take the bad with the good I guess… there is always a price to pay…

    You could add another point to your list: travelling. In this way, you avoid your daily routine which often included a lot of things which involved your girlfriend. Its a great way to take a break from your everyday life and see things in a new light.

    But you got that sorted out: looking forward of meeting you in Belgium.

    Good luck man, I mean it.

    Nico

  4. Steve says:

    I got out of a four-year relationship earlier this year, and the first weekend afterward I felt like I wanted to go try and pick up someone new.

    Then I realized I actually didn’t care and was fine to be on my own for a few months.

    Also, I kept thinking, “I’ve been getting regular sex for years. I’m topped up for a while. I can go without it for now. It’s really no big deal.”

  5. Eros says:

    Hard luck man, I’m sure there’s a lot of guys out there feeling for you. Good luck with the recovery and hope to see you well and on the up in a few weeks.

  6. Entropy says:

    Hammer: Have to disagree with you here. The only benefit a guy gets from pursuing tons of cheap pussy early is if he’s very insecure about “not finding anyone again.” I would argue that he’s going to have that insecurity no matter what, so there’s no reason to rush pursuing it when he’s in such an emotionally fragile state.

    All I can really speak from is my own experience in “covering up” emotional wounds with one night stands. In the end, they never really made me feel better but at times made me feel worse.

    Nico: Hopefully, I’ll be done being mopey by the time I hit Belgium. :)

  7. Nicolas says:

    dont worry mate,

    luckily we have Belgian beer: we believe it cures broken hearts, as well as cancer, or any other sickness while at the same time providing true enlightenment and prolongation of your life 😉

    try it, and you’ll be feeling better in no time !

  8. Aaron says:

    Hey Entropy sorry to hear about your break up. It sucks going through a break up. I wish the best for you.

  9. Marclee says:

    Uff. This article left my world shaking.
    Always thought PUAs wouldn’t suffer from oneitis any longer. Kinda strange reading this…

  10. Doc Holliday says:

    #5. Go to Europe for a month.

  11. Miss Mercedes says:

    WOW! I think sometimes we ladies forget that men hurt too. I love seeing a side of a guy that isn’t all macho “I could care less” shit and instead really opens the door to show the same pain, sorrow, sadness and fear that we all face.

    Thank you. Wonderful post.

    M

  12. Tyler H says:

    I’ll tell you one thing you definitely shouldn’t do . . .

    Listen to any melancholy songs or songs that bring up any memory of her. If they come on the radio, TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!

    Old school Boys II Men and K-Ci and JoJo completely fucked me whenever I broke up with my first long-term girlfriend. HAHA!! Oh the misery!

    Thankfully those days are long gone.

    Seriously, the tip about pouring yourself into your work is a great little nugget of gold when it comes to getting over just about any stressful situation in your life.

    As far as not trying to have sex with as many girls as you can, I agree completely with that. However, there is nothing wrong with actively going out and searching for someone to take the sting away, if only for a night.

    Every now and then, we like to have that self-validation. To know, after such a traumatic event, that we can get back out there and socialize with, and attract, beautiful women.

  13. Bob says:

    Good advice. Thanks man. My question regards long term break ups. My ex girlfriend and I have been traveling independent of one another for nearly a year and a half. Throughout this time, we have maintained steady contact and have each flip flopped between wanting to be together and wanting to break up. With all of this instability, how do I know when its truly time to cut ties? And if some of our chemistry has dissipated throughout this time, is it foolish to try to reignite that flame?

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