After spending five years in the Pick Up Artist community, I’ve taken my leave. For various reasons, I’m stepping away from the scene and disassociating myself from it completely. But to commemorate the amount of growth and introspection being a part of that community has inspired in me, I figured I’d leave behind a little wisdom as I go. Here are the 15 most important things I learned after spending five years in the PUA community.

1. Men find and join the PUA community to get validation from women. They stay in it to get validation from other men.

2. Guys who are trying to bang 101 girls usually secretly want (and need) to get a girlfriend.

3. The single biggest factor stopping you (and me) from improving is an inability to overcome our fears and anxieties. Whether it be the fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of sexuality — if you removed all fear, all of our sticking points would either vanish, or work themselves out almost immediately.

4. The only rule is calibration, the rest is a recommendation.

5. An attractive and abundant lifestyle will trump the best “game” in the world, ten times out of ten. It’s also a far more enjoyable way of meeting women and making friends than cold approach.

6. Always assume she’s feeling the same way as you. If you feel awkward and annoyed, then she probably does too. If you’re falling head over heels for her, she probably is too.

7. You’re never as bad with women as you think you are. You’re also never as good with women as you think you are. In fact, you have far less control in the matter than you think. Get over yourself.

8. Sex gets 90% of our attention, but 90% of game comes down to handling emotions — the sex is a side-effect.

9. Most dating advice will tell you that getting good with women is easy but a complicated process to learn. The opposite is true. Improving with women is actually very easy to learn, but hard to actually go out and do.

10. Having a healthy and happy long-term relationship will teach you as much about women as talking to 5,000 women and 100 lays.

11. When in doubt, always err on the side of being more aggressive.

12. Two qualities show me how good a guy is with women: how much he thinks he controls the seduction process and how well he handles rejection. The more a guy recognizes how much he doesn’t control, the better he is. The more a guy embraces getting rejected, the better he is. It’s the guys who claim to know everything and who claim to never get rejected that are clueless. Beware of them.

13. Things that are vastly overrated, if not completely useless: preventing flakes, openers, AMOG’ing and Boyfriend destroyers, state control, social proof, value.

14. Things that are vastly underrated if not completely ignored: non-verbal communication, listening well, empathizing and relating, being passionate about something, emotional connections, social circles, movement.

15. Looking back, here are the only major things the community taught me that I think my own experience didn’t or couldn’t have: the importance of dominance and expressing my sexuality (thanks David Deida, Robert Glover and Hypnotica), that it’s OK to hit on girls and want to fuck them (thanks Mystery and Style), and that our logical mind will usually rationalize whatever our emotions already feel (thanks David D). The rest of community material, by and large, I’ve found to either be a corollary to one of the above, or completely trivial or useless.

The vast majority of what I learned, I learned through my own experiences (mostly my failures), discussions with wings/friends, and by simply being aware and observing other people and naturals. And of course, my real teachers were the thousands of women I’ve interacted with over the last five years. From the ones who loved me to the ones who blew me out, thank you.

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60 Responses to 15 Things I’ve Learned in Five Years

  1. Bill says:

    6,12 and 15 are awesome. 6 (Whether it’s true or not, is going to boost a guy’s confidence)
    12 is priceless. (After reading a lot of advice, on what to do and what not to do, this is perhaps the most honest statement I have read in pick up.)
    15 is also priceless.
    4 is good, but easier said than done! (I also think a lot of this depend’s on your mood and her mood at the time, and other factor’s which you can’t control, so it come’s back to the first part of 12 again!
    My own motto would be, with (12!) “if you like her do something”. I have read a lot of theory about PUA, (a lot of which conflicts with itself!) I and am sure a lot of people reading this, know enough game stuff to know something to do. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t, but at least you did “something”.
    My problem for a long time had been simple lack of knowledge (or maybe desire?)of what to do. Now I know a bunch of game stuff, and like I said before some of it might work and some might not, but it’s up to me to just try it!

  2. Kurt says:

    You write:
    “5. An attractive and abundant lifestyle will trump the best game in the world, ten times out of ten. It’s also a far more enjoyable way of meeting women and making friends than cold approach.”

    “… an abundant lifestyle is this: a job you love, a nice place you love, friends you love, hobbies you love, and a rich and fun social life. Whether that revolves around ComicCon, Burning Man, Las Vegas casinos, playing live jazz, salsa dancing, sailing, or playing golf — who cares. It’s what you decide you love.”

    If lifestyle trumps game “ten times out of ten”, why is so little written about it by community guys? I’d certainly enjoy reading more from you about it (I’ve read the articles you *have* written, and I’ve really enjoyed them.)

    But to me, community stuff seems divided this way, approximately: 90 percent nighttime cold approaching, 9 percent daytime cold approaching, 1 percent everything else. So about one out of a hundred community articles is on lifestyle–this wonderful thing that is both more effective and more enjoyable than game.

    Regarding what you wrote above, here’s a skeptical question: isn’t it pretty easy to imagine a pretty lonely, dateless guy having the following going for him: a job he loves, a nice place he loves, friends he loves, and hobbies he loves? It seems so. So surely it isn’t just any ifestyle that
    trumps game, or just one in which you “do what you love”. Some lifestyle choices help you with women, and others don’t help you meet women in any way whatsoever.

    I saved a brief quote from a non-community guy giving lifestyle advice once. Here it is:

    “Find something that you enjoy and go do it. Of course, if you want to meet women then pick something that you enjoy, that tends to have a number of women in it. And don’t hit on all of the women, use that group to culture people to do things with, and have parties and arrange for social events. Those people will invite others, and you’d be amazed at how having a number of women that enjoy your company will work to your advantage.”

    I think most lonely guys reading community material will not do what this guys suggests, though, because almost nothing they read places any emphasis on advice like this.

  3. Just a guy. says:

    Great stuff man, i’ve been getting better on my approach anxiety by simply embracing the fact that I will probably be rejected, and i’ve made a little bit of progress, even though the progress is slow.

  4. Dominik says:

    Great post. But I don’t really understand what is meant by #11. Is this about what you describe in “Shut up and kiss her” for example?

  5. Max says:

    “2. Guys who are trying to bang 101 girls usually secretly want (and need) to get a girlfriend.”

    Woh, just had a minor epiphany…

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